Worried about friends' kid...

kgail11

I don't know what I hope to gain by posting, I spose I just need to get it off my chest. I recently became friends with this woman, new to the area, via my mom's group. We really clicked and now we hang out the two of us, plus our boys, at least once a week. Her son is in ECI - he has an OT, PT and a general developmental specialist. And now he was just referred to a new specialist to come out and determine if he is on the autism spectrum. He is almost 2, no words, never points or attempts to gesture/communicate, tantrums ALL THE TIME over anything and everything - ear-piercing shrieking, still crawls more than walks... the list goes on.

I just feel so heartbroken every time I leave their house because this mom is just beeeeyond sweet. Both her parents have passed, she's been through hell in her life and yet she's so sweet and upbeat and just nice overall. MY boy doesn't mind his endless fits and screaming, he just looks at him funny & goes off to play with his toys, and I try to console him however I can think of, because I know how tired she is... but I just know there'll come a time when my DS and her DS are even further apart, developmentally. She is in absolute awe when I give DS simple instructions and he listens to me, or when he talks, or anything really.. and it's fine now, because DS just does his own thing because her son doesn't acknowledge him ever, but I just think of the future and how much more obvious the gap will be. I hate her comparing the two - even just by default of her watching me interact with him - as I NEVER talk about the cool things my DS does on a daily basis.

I dunno, I always just leave them feeling like crap that she's been dealt the cards she has. blah.

Shell24

That's so sad to hear.

All you can do is be a good friend to her, and you're already doing that.  Try not to feel bad about her comparisons, and don't let it affect your playdates (unless for some reason her son becomes violent, which can happen...unintentional of course, but as he grows the tantrums will get worse) because it sounds like she could really use them.

susanmosley

I'm sorry.

Although I am sure the comparing is impossible to avoid and hard for her, it is also a blessing in disguise.  Many times people with only children with autism don't really see it as early as they could because they have nothing (no neurotypical examples) to compare their child to.  Often, when these moms have 2nd children, they realize in hindsight that they should have started intervention, made changes, accepted it, etc., earlier, as they watch a typical child develop.  

As she heads down this tough and frustrating road, the best thing you can do is be there for her to talk to and learn the most effective ways (along side her) to related to and interact with her child.  

Additionally, you are providing a age appropriate model for her child and her son's special needs and differences is a great learning experience for you son as well.  

I am doubtful this is much help.  I can imagine how you feel in this situation.  good luck. 

susanmosley

Shell24:

but as he grows the tantrums will get worse

this doesn't have to be the case.  In fact with good intervention, the opposite will occur 

kgail11

I agree to the above - about good intervention preventing more severe tantrums.... the PROBLEM however is maintaining it at home. ECI, as you know, only comes weekly - or a few times a week at the most, it's all about maintaining at home, using the things they've learned. And unfortunately, I don't think she does. She is so sweet that she's a TOOOTAL pushover and just gives in and goes the easy route. And sometimes it's hard to blame her when you've listened to his shrill screaming for 30 minutes straight. :P

Shell24

susanmosley:

Shell24:

but as he grows the tantrums will get worse

this doesn't have to be the case.  In fact with good intervention, the opposite will occur 

All I meant was that IF he continues to tantrum, as he grows they will get worse, since he will get bigger and heavier and harder to physically control.  And he may inadvertently hurt your DS during one of his episodes.   IF he continues to tantrum.

susanmosley

kgail11:

And unfortunately, I don't think she does. She is so sweet that she's a TOOOTAL pushover and just gives in and goes the easy route. And sometimes it's hard to blame her when you've listened to his shrill screaming for 30 minutes straight. :P

Oy - that is a completely different ordeal.  I'm out of advice now! =P It is one thing if she doesn't know what to do, another if she has been taught, understands how it all works, and then doesn't implement the techniques and help herself.