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3rd Trimester
joannalmoore
member
MIL drama and DH vent
joannalmoore
member
My MIL who I've only really met about 5 times and basically have no relationship with is coming the day the baby's born and staying with us for at least a week. This was TOLD to me, not asked of me. This is our first, and I'd kinda like MY mom to be with me by my side helping me figure out what the heck I'm doing...So that's what I said to hubby. What he heard though, was "I'm going to exclude your mother from everything." He doesn't get that it'll be exhausting, emotional, hormonal, all that, and if I need help breastfeeding, I'd sorta not like his whole family around 24/7, leaving private me to feel confined to our bedroom to whip out a boob! UGGH.
I suggested how about she stay week 2, but the thing that sucks is that she/they live 6 hours away, so coming the day she's born, leaving, and coming back a week later isn't really an option. 
The other thing, we're due the weekend before Thanksgiving, so if we have her then, his mom and her husband and maybe brother will be staying with us then. We switch off every year for holidays, and it's my family's year to be together, so I asked hubby what they'll do while we're gone at my parents' all day on T-day. He looked at me like I was crazy and said "well, why wouldn't we take them with us???" I didn't feel like the fight at that time, so I was just like "oh, right..." but HELLO!? They'll already be staying with us, I'll need a break from them, plus that would be sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo unfomfortable. My family's never met them, we have a formal-ish sit down dinner and there's just enough room for my family to sit around the table in my parents' smallish cape cod dining room, it just wouldn't work. I don't think it's too much that they just stay at home at our house, especially since we're having Thanksgiving with them that Saturday...
I'm anxious to meet our baby girl, but I'm starting to hope she's not here until after Turkey day just to avoid all this. That still wouldn't solve the problem of her wanting/insisting on being there week 1 and more!
Good Lord, wait till I tell him/her that she is NOT welcome in the delivery room....
This discussion has been closed.
Re: MIL drama and DH vent
Yeah, but how!? He's so oversensitive about his mom...he takes everything I say to extremes...we have a GREAT solid marriage, but that's like, the one sore spot.
Plus, it just BLOWS MY MIND that she assumes that she can just decide all these things without asking. And yes, it's his job to tell her otherwise, which he doesn't, but still...I would never just push boundaries like that. So inconsiderate. I have 3 older brothers who've all had children already and my mom totally respected the place of my sil's moms and my sil's after they had their kids...
Apparently I'm still venting...he he.
He needs to pick you. That's what it comes down to. You and your needs have to be more important than his mother and her wishes. You'll have to figure out how to talk with him about this but that's the bottom line.
OMG, you need to talk to your DH stat about this situation. Regardless of whether or not it would be comfortable to have your IL's at your family's Thanksgiving...who's to say they're even invited? I think it's really rude of your DH to just assume that you bring 3 people with you to something as huge as Thanksgiving dinner...regardless of how easy going your parents are.
Tell your DH everything you've written here, and that you should've been consulted on their visit. It's your house just as much as it is his and he's doesn't get to make decisions regarding house guests without first consulting you.
Mom, why are you washing my feed in the sink?!
We have opposite situations. lol We practically had to convince my MIL that she was welcome and wanted when the baby arrives. But to be fair, she is not an intrusive person and lives 20 hours away while my mom is 15 minutes away.?
Honestly, I think the best plan of action is to sit down and calmly talk about this. Explain, without using accusatory words, what you had envisioned for your birth and that first week after. Perhaps, since it seems that she is definitely planning on coming, you can set up a game plan. You know, so he has your back if you start to feel overwhelmed, need a break, etc.
Also, does the entire family have to come? With my sister, with both kids, we went up for the delivery and left before she even went home from the hospital. Then my mom went up sometime later to help. But we respected that they needed time with their new baby and just getting adjusted at home. ?
This is a husband issue. It's time for him to leave and cleave, and put his wife first. It's time for him to put wife's feelings before mom's. My DH did that once to me (not to this extreme) and I told him if he felt that strongly he could go sleep at his mom's house. He's never done it since. And trust me, his mom tries to make herself the number one priority. He's gotten VERY good at telling her no, and I'm loving it!
I am sorry you have to deal with this....
I totally agree with you! I would not want my MIL around shortly after birth either, let alone on the day my LO is born. Ugh, that would be sooo uncomfortable.
Like others already posted, your husband needs to put you first. And if you don't want to have her around, then he has to accept that. I always tell my DH (jokingly) that I am pregnant, therefore am hormonal, have pains, etc. and that's why I AM going to choose who will be staying with us after LO has arrived.
AND after all it's you giving birth and who else would you want around if not your mom and no one at all? Sometimes people lack common sense and your MIL clearly does, because if she had some she would see how selfish she is acting by inviting herself. My MIL did not say anything yet and my mom said that my family will be visiting 2-3 weeks later (and it's the first grandchild on my side of the family).
Sorry, for my long post!
GL!!
Wow you are so much nicer than I am. I would have called her up and said listen, I dont think it would be a good idea if you all came down the first week. I am sorry that DH didn't talk to me about it before you made your plans. I plan on staying at my moms house for the first few days so that I can become acclimated to being a mom and breast feeding. I know you must understand. You have been through this with your first born. How about you all come down after Turkey day and stay for a long weekend.
Be very sweet when saying all of this. If she reacts in a nasty way just be frank and tell her it isn't that you don't want them visiting but you already set it up with your mum to stay with her. She must understand the mother daughter bond at this point. If not, oh well. I would def. not allow them in the delivery room, Will your mom be there? Will she ba able to intercede on your behalf during labor and let them know how you feel? Or talk to your Labor nurse and have her be the bad guy. I had to do that once. She was very polite and told MIL and FIL that there were too many ppl in the room and they would have to leave.
Stress during labor can cause regression of what your body needs to do when under stress. GOod luck
I have a slightly different take but because I'm in a VERY similar situation. I too have only met my MIL five times. She has been calling every couple of weeks since finding out we are expecting but it usually is a very one sided relationship...my DH has to call her (and it's when I remind him to). He gave up years ago because it's hurtful to him (she's close to his sisters) and it's not anything he ever did. He wants a closer relationship and now tends to take whatever he can get from his family. Bugs me to no end (I have a super close family) that he's willing to accept whatever.
Anyway, I was annoyed that she was making plans to come here based on her daughter's schedule. She did ask what would work for us but then felt it better to try to go along with what her daughter wanted. Date is set for October 30th to November 2nd. Only three days. (My reaction was that she obviously doesn't really give a sh!t about DH since three days is all he and his child are worth and when her third husband's son has his baby she'll go to CA for three weeks to stay with him). But my reaction would be bad no matter what because I already think unfavorably of her.
What it comes down to for me is I only see her once a year. I will suck up whatever happens in those three days for my DH. Your DH is probably trying to be really accomodating to her because he doesn't see her either. Yeah, I would be annoyed if she came right after the birth to stay with me - maybe suggest a hotel.
As far as Thanksgiving, is it really a big deal (and worth a fight) to exclude them on the holiday? Seems pretty sh!tty to do. Sometimes, whether we like it or not, we have to be the bigger person. And this comes from someone who drove 500 miles to spend last Thanksgiving with the in-laws and sat with DH alone in the living room for dinner because they didn't set enough seats for us at the table. I would NEVER do that to someone though.
G/L. I know how tough the situation is.
I agree completely with this. Reassure your DH that you want his family to come, but you want to hold off on the week long visit until you know that you are feeling better. How about if they still come down the day LO is born, stay at the house for a day while you are in the hospital. This way they do not have to wait a week to meet their Grandchild. They can go home after 1-2 days and then come back for a week long visit in a week or two when you are feeling better.
I think that your DH is just seeing "your parents get to meet LO and mine don't" this happens every once in a while with my DH and his family too.
Oh my gosh, girls, thank you soooo much. I've really enjoyed reading all of your replies and getting advice from each and every one of them! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Currently, we're still fighting about it and it sucks. I'm supposed to be enjoying this most beautiful and exciting time in my life and instead, I'm fighting with DH about his mother.
He too, has had a strained relationship with his mom, even being completely out of touch with her (her doing) for 2-3 years about 10 years ago, so it makes sense, but really doesn't make sense to me that now, he never says no to her, always bends over backwards to make things work with her even though she's so crappy to him/us. She's made NO tries at all (really, it's not just me being nearsighted, she really hasn't) to get to know me, and I have quit trying. I don't get it because my family is "perfect" and close.
I've told him it's fine if they stay week one but I absolutely want to have thanksgiving at my parents' with my family only and come on - it's a matter of maybe 4-5 hours away from them in the span of a week! I told him we'll get them a gift certificate for a very, very nice Thanksgiving day dinner at a swanky restaurant, etc...he says if they can't come to my parents then he won't either.
I get that this really is a husband/marriage problem just as much as it is a MIL problem...uggh. Just keep my situation in your prayers, please!