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Blended Families
what's a mom?
Ok so not to rile anyone's feathers, but there have been a few posts on here recently about calling your SK's your own kids or allowing them to call you mom, etc. I am in no way trying to sound snarky or mean or whatever, I'm just confused and come from one side of the fence so I wanted to get a better understanding of where some of you were coming from, especially those of you who felt SK's aren't your kids as long as their mom is in the picture.
What makes a mom a mom? She gets to be called 'mom' because she gave birth? Is a 'mom' someone who raised a child from a very young age and has been in there life a long time but did not give birth to them? Does a legal document saying you are a mom make you a mom? Sharing DNA with a child is that what makes you a mom?
Again, don't take this as being nasty, I'm really just curious since I have a different opinion than some of you of what a mother is. I am a SM with no bio kids of my own (yet!) so I only see things from where I'm standing, I might feel differently if I was a BM.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: what's a mom?
A mom is the woman whose child belongs to her regardless of her legal relationship with anyone else. IE. A mom is a mom if she gave birth or adopted legally a child. That is unbreakable. Anyone else, stepmom, girlfriend, foster parent, etc is only tied to the child through someone else...therefore is not a *real* mom.
That being said, anyone can love a child. Kids benefit from any and all people who love them...and you can do that without trying to take the title of MOM.
ETA: Obviously a woman who walks away from her kids isnt "mom" but if she parents some of the time, half of the time or 90% of the time, MOM is MOM.
I disagree. I don't think that birthing a child makes you a mom anymore than donating sperm makes you a father.
Being a part of their lives, putting them 1st, taking care of them no matter what else you would like to be doing at the time, DOING THE MOM JOB 24/7 makes you a mom. If you gave birth and stayed in their life and DID YOUR JOB...they hell yes you're a mom. But if you ditched them, neglected them, beat them...you're not a mom, you're a monster.
I also think that the way the child views you makes a difference. If the child sees you as their mom, you're their mom. It doesn't matter what anyone else in the world thinks!
The first and primary one being what mom2one said. I think that is the most traditional role and title of Mom. This is the one that I think goes without saying.
I understand where those SM's who are raising their SK's feel like they are their own children. When you are the one who wipes away their tears daily, cleans up after them, are teaching them life skills and all that goes with having a child every single day, yes you are a mom to them. And I understand calling them your children, because they are your children.
But, I do give the side-eye to the SM's who have their SK's a few days a month, and who think of themselves as their "mom" or consider them "theirs". I don't agree with trying to take over the role of mom, in these types of situations. If they have an active biomom in their lives, it is great that they have someone else that loves them, but that does not make them their mother.
I don't think that a biological link needs to be there to make you a Mom.
I think that if your step child has a BM who is an active part of their lives (even if you think they suck) then you aren't there Mom.
I think being a mom is a decision. Giving birth or being genetically linked to a kid doesn't automatically make a woman a mom. Marrying a man with kids (even if you see the kids frequently) doesn't automatically make anyone a mom.
Kids need different things at different stages, and I think that if you're the person in their lives consistently providing that, and loving them, and caring about them.. you're a parent.
My husband is a parent even though Munchkin calls him Danny rather than Daddy. But he's been in my son's life every day for a little over a year and a half. He's picked him up from school, he's taken him to the doctor, he's worked with him on reading and writing. He makes that decision to be there and to take an active role in his life.
When we called people to tell them we were pregnant, a couple people said "Congratulations, you're going to be a dad.." and he always immediately said "I'm already a dad, but thanks, we're really excited."
Does that make any sense? I guess my point is that it's not just about the label or the name.. to an extent it's just semantics. It depends on the relationship, and a parent can be a dad or a mom without being called a dad or a mom. I think maybe the title isn't sacred as much as it's just cultural.
Luckyangel that was well said
I really don't understand what is wrong with calling your stepkids your kids. My SS is part of my family. I love him, I help take care of him and raise him, any decisions that DH and I make for our family includes him. He doesn't call me mom and I don't refer to myself as his mom. It doesn't make him less one of my kids.
I thought the other post about this was really interesting...I think it is just one of those things that is different in every situation.
My SD is 12 and I have only been in her life since she was 10. Her dad and I only have her about 1 weekend a month, though DH and her talk every single day on the phone. I would never dream of calling myself her "mom" but I do consider our family her dad, me, her, and our new little one.
I don't think it's crazy for SM's who have their SK's more than half the time, deal with school, and have known them since they were little to consider themselves "moms" though....There are plenty of those SM's that have risen to the occasion and stepped in and filled that role, or have just been so involved for so long that they naturally have that role in the child's eyes. In my situation, SD has a very present mom who parents her almost all the time, so it would be pretty weird if I started thinking of myself like that.
IMO, A child has one mom, and one dad. But that equals to multiple parents, who says that has to stop at just 2? Even though I think our BM is a worthless psycho (Ok, maybe that's a BIT harsh) she's still his mom. But I still think of him (and refer to him) and my kid in all situations where it is appropriate. Most of the time I just refer to him by his name since he is the only child in our household. But once LO arrives I'm not going to say "we took ss and lo to the zoo" I'm going to say "We took our kids to the zoo".
But at the same time we don't refer to ss half brother as his half brother. We just ask about his brother and leave it at that. SS calls my parents grandma and grandpa even though they're technically not. He also calls BMs step parents his grandparents. Certain titles can be reserved for certain things (people) but sometimes I think they are taken too far. If a child is comfortable calling two different people mom (or dad) leave it alone. Isn't the child the one we supposedly are all looking out for anyway?
Mom is whoever is acting as the mom. Why can't someone have 2?
I think it depends on each family and each situation. I'm not going to tell someone else not to have their SK call them mom. Some of these SK's have better mom's in their step moms than they do their mom's, or their mom is deceased, and they were raised by their SM from a young age.
I just don't think it's up to me to decide if it's right or wrong. It's not black and white to me.
I don't think a kid should only have one mom or dad. If they have two of each and both love the kid, who the hell cares?
Obviously I think I and H do a better job with minkster than doucheface and the everquest bride. But they do love her and if it makes her feel cohesive and connected to call everyone mom and dad, so be it. I don't get the need to differentiate. Whatever she calls them, I know who takes the best care of her, I know who her real mother is, who does a better job at fathering her, and so does she. It doesn't negate my place in her life, my husband's place in her life, no matter what she calls them.
Click me, click me!
I have not read the replies to my post yet - I am being a chicken sh*t and am scared that I was super flamed for it!
That said, I will tell you that having my little ones definitely changed this for me. And to be honest, my SD was 12 when I started raising her so our situation is different than those that had SKs very little. That said, I am also adopted and I only have one set of parents, so I do not think it has to do with birth but how you are raised. I guess the "our kids" thing bothered me because I just can see from a BMs standpoint (and my only bio-kids are with my DH) that if she is remotely in the picture then they are not someone else's kids. At the same time I think a Mom is the person that does all the day-in and day-out stuff for the kids and has for a long time (not sure what long is and it would depend on the kids age.) And I did all of that for my SD, I took her to the doctor, cooked for her, went to school events, etc but I do not think she was "mine", I acted like a Mother to her but never was her Mother even though her BM sucked and saw her something like 3 times in 6 years and never once called us or the schools to see how she really was doing. I guess something about many SMs (not all but many) calling the kids "our kids" just sounds as if they are trying to be something they are not - especially if the BM is doing most of the raising of the child.
Agreed. In our situation, as some of you know, BM has no contact. No one has ever told the kids to call me mom. It has always been and will always be their choice. If they want to see me as mom, I am thrilled to be that person to them. If they just want to call me by my 1st name, they know they are welcome to do that too. I want them to be comfortable above all else.
I don't get to be "Mom" nor do I want to be. SS has a wonderful mom.
However, he is my family. And always will be. "Step" to me means "lesser." He is no less my son than my future kids will be.
But I do recognize he will probably identify me as SM, and thats fine. He does NOT call me by my first name, he calls me "Bean" and thats how we like it.
This.
Well said.
After I read the other post this am I asked all "my kids" (step and bio) on the way to school how they felt about the word "step" and what makes a woman a mom. What a great ride to school! They are 9, 13, 13 and 17 and they all said it hurts their feelings or they feel inferior to be called a step kid; but never thought that it may work that way about calling me or DH step parent.
They know that they are loved by all four parents and we are all their parents in their eyes. They know who is bio and who isn't...they see us all as equal. I am glad I asked! It was the best convo ever!
I'm not sure how eloquently my answer will come out, but I'll give it a go.
I think there is a difference between being a mom to the kids vs. the mom to the kids. Does that make sense to anyone?
If you are completely void in the child's life and barely have a relationship with them, or if they do not see you as a parent, then to me, you are neither -- whether you gave birth to them or not.
I might not be the mom in my SK's life, but I am a mom to them. That is not just from my point of view, that is from their perspective. They were the ones to randomly start calling me Mama Shorty, unprovoked by me or DH. They don't use it every time, but they will use it from time to time.
They look to me as another parent. If the kids are saying that their parents are coming to the school event, they mean the three of us. They don't say, "My parents and SM."
I may only do the mom role 20% of the time, but that is the same amount that their dad does the dad role, as well (referring to visitation, not the ever-present state of mind). I would never say that I am replacing the mom, just adding to that maternal role for them.
I have a lot of thoughts running through my head at the moment, so sorry if this seems really broken.
I have 2 and my FI has 2, so we use the term "ours" when describing our brood, only because some are mine and some are his, but I don't think of his kids as mine (as much as I adore them). I will never be his kids mom, nor do I want that role. They have a mom that is involved in their lives and I am a bonus parent. His kids call me by my first name (and mine call him by his) and refer to my FI and I as "the parents"...meaning the parents in our house.
THIS!
I have been in my SD's life since she was about 9 months old and I take care of her when she is sick, when she is crying, when she falls. I do everything a "Mom" does for her. In no way do I try and make her think that she doesn't have a mom and that she doesn't need to be nice to her, respect her and love her, that's her mom! She will always have her mom and to her i'm just a bonus mom. I think that sometimes people need to take a step back, little kids don't just call other people mom and dad for no reason, they call them that b/c they are taking care of them. And i know that some will say that the other parent told them to say that. Little kids are smart and they know the difference. I remember the first time my SD called me mom (I tried to correct her and she threw a fit!) , I was so scared that BM would find out and get mad about it and I didn't want her thinking that we were making SD say that, but then my MIL told me that it wasn't a bad thing it just meant that to SD I was taking care of her and she could trust me like she could her mom. And then it hit me, that it's not a bad thing it means that your kids are comfortable and happy with the person your ex decided to bring around and even if you don't like that your ex is with somebody else at least be happy that your kids feel safe with that person!