How do I talk to DH about his parenting style?

cee-jay

**waving hello**  I've never posted here before. Hello everyone!

*sigh* So I could use some advice and perspective on a parenting issue.  My DD is 18 mos old.  I'm on extended maternity leave for 3 years so I'm home with her most of the time.  My DH's father was quite distant when he was growing up and DH has always vowed to be a different kind of father.

With that said, my issue is that DH's parenting-style is questionable sometimes. Not in a bad way like I fear for her safety or something, but also not necessarily in a way that makes it easy for me to overlook and just say "oh well, he just does it different".  It's things like dressing her in shorts and a tank top and sandals when it's 45 degrees and raining out.  Or when he gets up with her in the morning, sometimes she's up 2 hours before he thinks about giving her breakfast or even water (in which case I ask "um, has she eaten yet?").  Or another example, he once took her out in the backpack carrier to meet friends for ice cream when she was about 12 mos old. I met up with him later and when I walked up to them, I saw him deep in conversation with his friends and DD off to the side, on the floor, still in the backpack, not even being looked at. Something about that has always bothered me, it looked so negligent. He's of the mind that if she doesn't complain about anything, then she's fine, which is not really my mindset.  It wouldn't be such a big deal except that if I suggest something in cases like this, he gets really upset and defensive saying that it's "his time" and I'm "telling him what to do."   In addition, HIS friends have said to me "He's not the most attentive father, is he?", which I actually sometimes agree with, but I wish they would bring that up to him because if I said that, it would be a major blowout. 

I'm wondering if my perspective is off and I actually do have to let some of this stuff go. I was a teacher and a school social worker before and have lots of experience with children. I know that that makes him defensive of my opinions also, sometimes. And if it's not me, has anyone else been in this situation or have advice on how to address it?  I really do think he is a good father, and he totally loves her and wants her to be happy and healthy, but sometimes he just...I don't know.....doesn't think things through.

Thoughts?  And thanks in advance.

susan1017

Hi Cee-Jay,

I went through the same thing with my DH (and still do at times). I too used to get ties up in knots bout some of the dumbshit he used to do. Like you said, miss matched outfits, no food in the mornings, not playing with her as I would, etc. Many of the same issues you are listing in your post.

I was making myself nuts and nagging him in the process.  I decided to let it go and see what happens.

Once I backed off, I saw a really sweet rapport develop between them. He does see to her needs although not in the way I maybe would. He is a little stricter than I prefer but it comes in handy when I can not get through to her. He still does questionable things sometimes (like letting a 3 year old play Wii boxing) and I address what I don't like. he either realized that it might not have been the best decision or he ignores me. I have taken a 'whatever' attitude about it.

If you are concerned, by all means tell DH how you feel but then back off for a bit and observe what happens. He might not realize he is 'not attentive'. I say help him but offering suggestions rather than demanding something be done a certain way. If you dont like how he dresses her, lay out her clothes for the time that he will be with her or suggest appropriate pieces. If he ignores her when around other people, point it out and tell him why it bothers you.  If it is just about how other perceive him as a father then I say screw those people. He sounds like a typical good dad who means well but may need some guidance.

I am sure things will work out. Good luck

JOEBunny

As they get older, those types of things matter less and less.  I would try not to let it bother you.  Sometimes they just have to learn.  My DH will go out with DD without a change of clothes or without a new diaper before she potty trained.  90% of the time he will be fine, but one day, he will be somewhere with her and she will pee on the floor.  He doesn't care.  I am prepared for everything 100% of the time.  I have bandaids, bug spray, sunscreen, hats, snacks, ect.  It makes my day go more smoothly.  DH has none of that, but he figures it out.  As long as she is not in physical danger (like playing in the street, not going down the slide without you standing right next to her), I would let him figure it out.

Zenya

 I would also let them figure  it out. 

cee-jay

Thanks for the responses. I really appreciate the feedback because I really don't want to make him feel like he's not capable.  It's really hard for me to keep my mouth shut about this stuff. Today I just left them because at the moment I think that's the easiest way for me to stay out of it.  I'm sure I will get better about it in the future though. 

And I agree, I think it will get better as she gets older because then she can tell him what she needs.