- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Adoption
Maybe HTT - Name changing
Would you ever agree to a name you didn't like with the BM knowing you would call your LO something different at home and change it after finalization? First or middle?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Maybe HTT - Name changing
No. We feel its very important to do our best to honor the wishes of our birthmother. If its something we weren't comfortable with, we would need to evaluate the match.
Our birthmother requested we use her middle name if the baby was a girl...and it was. It's not a name that either of us are fond of, but we asked if we could give her two middle names and she said yes. So we will give her both middle names and use them both on her announcement. In most cases, she'll probably only have room for one of them, but it's important to us that it's on her birth certificate, her announcement, in her baby book, etc.
even though our FS is already named, we already made the decision long ago that we'd always change their name if we adopted through the foster care system. we've stood by that decision, but his birth first name is his second middle name. i wouldn't have actually kept it if it wasn't also my brother's name. so its a way to honor my brother and keep a tradition that my family has with boys having 2 middle names.
when we decide to adopt domestically, we'll definitely want to name our child so that would make a world of difference in our match. names are very important to us - 1. because i *love* my name and 2 because DH *hates* his name. (its a girl's name, IMO).
Morally I don't feel I can change it. We've agreed upon a name, the middle is the one I'm having trouble with. It's a good name just not one I would have chosen. I would love to have the one I like, I really think it would be one of those choices I would regret if we changed it.
Two middle names may be an option.
I do not like DD first name and we were asked to keep it. So we combined it with my brothers name which died last year and everyone is OK with the new first name. We were asked to use another name (last name) which I wanted for a first name which will be DD middle name. I wanted to keep her middle name but DH wanted to leave it out because he tought it was a mouth full.
I have two other children that I got a say in the names so I am letting DH make the final choice. We have discussed the names in length and everyone is one board except for a small bit with MIL.
We wanted to honor the family but have something for us too. Ours is very open so everyone needs to be on board. They refer to DD as both old and new first name.
Run the two middle names by her -- we did that and were pleasantly surprised at how enthusiastic she was about it. The middle name we chose is also her other daughter's middle name, so she thought it was especially neat.
But there is no way that in good conscience, if a birthmother specified a name to us, that I could change it. Now if it was foster-adopt, or she never met us or wanted to meet us and just named the baby out of necessity at the hospital, that's something entirely different.
This exactly. DD's middle name was a request by the BM which was a name we liked so we didn't mind. But I know with failed match #2 BM was very adamant about the baby's name and while it wasn't our favorite name (definitely wasn't terribly horrible though) we planned to keep the name to honor the BM wishes.
honeydew and i were just talking about this over the weekend.
I am personally pretty stuck on my names. It is important to me that we name our child, however we are open to using her name as a middle name as a compromise. If the name is a deal breaker for her, we might need to reconsider the match, because perhaps she isn't the right BM for us.
I think it all depends on your relationship with the BM, if you have discussed names and agreed to one then change it behind her back, that is sneaky IMO. But if you don't speak before hand, or she names the baby without your input because she likes the name, I don't see anything wrong with you naming the baby something that you like. After all you are going to be the one calling that child by name everyday for the rest of your life, why should you hate the name. I am less attached to middle names, I never used mine, and even changed it when I got married, so if the BM wants full input on a name, I'm okay with her picking the middle name.
I, too, have my heart set on some names and am hoping to match with BP that are OK with these names.
But, I would be open to the middle name being available to them for input if it was important. I would not agree to name one thing and then change it - especially if you are having and ongoing relationship. The child will be mine, raised in my home and, as we have no other children, a familial name is VERY important to me. So, I guess this could be a dealbreaker at some point; we'll have to cross that bridge when we get there.
In my opinion, the birth mother has every right to put what ever name she desires on the birth certificate. That doesn't mean it will be the name that we use or choose for the child. I feel that depending on the name there is an 80% chance we would change it. So I would agree that she could name the child what ever name she felt was appropriate for her but I wouldn't tell her that is the name we would use. I would be honest.
I don't feel that we would have an issue explaining this to a child either nor would I ever conceal this fact, "your tummy mom picked a special name for you, and mom and dad picked a special name for you".
In our particular case, our son's birth mother asked us what we wished for his name to be. We didn't know about a middle name but we gave her the first name. It was after we met her that we chose to keep her last name as his middle name.
I feel that our son's birth mother was very respectful about it and I'm glad that she didn't force upon us a name. I appreciate the process of letting go and healing that a birth mother goes through but the naming of a child is a very intimate process for parents - I don't feel as an adoptive parent I should be prohibited from being able to do that.
No, I would feel awful doing this. HOWEVER I would agree to use the name and tell her we might call LO something else. KWIM? It is hard, I would want the bmom to be apart of the child's name, but if we are the parents, we would want to like the name too.
ETA, the bmom who chose us back in 2/2008 named her baby and mentioned she would want us to keep it. Nothing was agreed upon and obviously the match was broken, but it was hard because the middle name was after bmom's grandma. But we wanted to name after DH's mom (who died 4 years ago). So it was a struggle for us if she insisted.... not sure what we would have done to be completely honest. We very much disliked both the first and middle name.