Random Question

jebuell

DH and I were discussing wills and living wills earlier.  We mostly discussed what we would do if we had children and both passed away when they were still young- who would we want to raise our kids.

Have you and DH decided this?  When you did, did you pick someone (a friend or family member) who you thought had similar parenting ideas or did you pick whatever family member were you closest to? 

DH and I are having an issue with this right now.  We have no family physically close to us so we're debating if we should consider whichever family members we are closest with or a friend who I feel has a similar parenting style.  Basically the debate is over what's right to do- have the children raised within the family or by friends.

rebus82

We've discussed it. We would want him raised by my parents, because they are the only people we know that we trust to raise him the way we want him raised. They're also the people best in a position to be able to afford raising another child, and would probably be the most willing to travel and make sure he gets a good smattering of culture before going out into the world on his own.

If those traits happened to have fallen in friends of ours rather than a family member, I'm sure we would have chosen them. As long as the person/people are willing and able to be good guardians and keep the biological family in the child's life, I don't think a child HAS to be raised by someone related to them.

jebuell

rebus82:

We've discussed it. We would want him raised by my parents, because they are the only people we know that we trust to raise him the way we want him raised. They're also the people best in a position to be able to afford raising another child, and would probably be the most willing to travel and make sure he gets a good smattering of culture before going out into the world on his own.

If those traits happened to have fallen in friends of ours rather than a family member, I'm sure we would have chosen them. As long as the person/people are willing and able to be good guardians and keep the biological family in the child's life, I don't think a child HAS to be raised by someone related to them.

We've discussed my parents, who I think would do a great job!  I only worry because by the time I was 10 years old i'd lost 3/4 grand parents.  That worries me because I wouldn't want to pass away (which would be traumatizing for my child(ren)) and then have them move across the country to live with my parents and possibly have them pass away.  I know I'm over thinking this.  We don't even have children yet but it's one of those things I want to give serious thought to before it happens.

Princess_Ariel

Personally, not only do I feel you should look at parenting styles (and I hadn't thought about the cultural aspects, but what the people will provide for your children is important to consider as well), but also who your children are closest to.  While DH and BIL turned out alright, there are personality traits lacking that I think could have been instilled better, but DD sees their parents several times a week and is extremely comfortable with them, so it would be the easiest transition for her. I have some friends whom I think are fabulous parents and I used to be just like them, but DH thinks they're fake yuppies, so not only would he never allow them to be guardians, DD doesn't see them very often, so that would be more traumatic for her. HTH.

jebuell

I think that is my biggest worry- we live so far away from both of ours families.  I see mine 1-2 times a year and DH sees his 3-4.  And everyone on DH's side is divorced and I'd prefer my child be raised by two parents if at all possible, or at least by a parent who isn't already an overwhelmed single parent.  And I do not at all want my children raised by my SIL (brother's wife).  She's very uptight and I believe they are planning to practice Ferber with thier son.  That counts out immediate family.

However I have a very close friend who is perfect and already knows and agrees with AP parenting and then cousins who are basically a miniature version of the Duggar family (only 4 kids in 5 years, haha!).  While they are more religious then us, they also homeschool (and do a good job), and are very, very hands on.  And I'd take their religion over my SIL's religion.

Ugh, I am seriously over thinking this!!!  And it's starting to frustrate me.  Why can't I just have normal family members?!?!?!?!

schmoodle

We picked my brother and SIL. They aren't similar to us parenting as far as AP, but no one in my family is - in fact the only parents we know that are at all AP are my BFF and her husband but I'd never feel comfortable asking so much of anyone that wasn't family. My brother and his wife are very similar to us as far as religious views (or lack thereof in our cases), commitment to family, education, personality styles, et cetera, which is why we chose them.

cathy_and_matt

This is something we've given a lot of thought too, and still don't really have an answer! As someone raised by a single parent, I would only feel comfortable asking a stable couple, since I know how difficult it can be to raise children by yourself and couldn't ask that of someone (it's too much!)

MIL is in her mid-60s and single (FIL passed away a few years ago), whereas my mom is younger but has a lot of financial problems, and my dad is not really in the picture. BIL is also single. My brother is recently married, but....1) I'm not sure they're in it for the long haul (terrible to say, I know) and 2) I'm pretty sure their parenting style, when they do have kids, is going to be more babywise than AP.

We've actually been thinking about asking one of DH's cousins and his wife. They have a 9-month old boy, the wife and I have a lot in common as to how we're doing things, and DH and his cousin have always been really close. They're really more like brothers. 

The only problem is they live about 4 hours away...so we're still not sure. It's a tough decision to make!

EmmieB

It took us twenty seconds to decide on my sister and her husband. Here are our reasons why, which might help you:

They live twenty minutes away from both of our parents, which is lucky - if Husband and I are gone, I want Bunny to be surrounded by as much love and support as possible. Our families and 90% of our friends live within 45 minutes of my sister's house. (We did, too, until January)

They are not having any children of their own - and if they ever change their minds about this, they'll adopt. They have room, the income, and my sister is a teacher so she's qualified to handle whatever a grieving child can throw at her. (My husband's sister and BIL are also good choices, but they are planning on having 3 kids and right now they live out of the country.)

My sister and BIL - aside from not wanting kids - have the closest lifestyle to ours: lots of yoga, lots of food, lots of being outdoors. They agree with our "alternative" approaches to education and life in general. (Which makes sense when you consider that we were raised in the same house.)

They're the closest people to us who aren't actually us - we looked for that over proximity. Because kids can handle moving across the country MUCH easier than they can handle being in a house that is so alien they can't relax.

We're also going to revisit our will every five years/when we move/when the next baby comes. 

 

(Of course, this is all moot. According to deathclock.com, I'm not kicking it until Halloween of 2079, when I'll be 101 and my kids are all grown. And my grandkids! )