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Adoption
grieving and feeling guilty
I have really been grieving not being able to experience pregnancy this week. For whatever reason now more than ever, the finality of my hysterectomy is really weighing down on me. It seems that everyone I know is pg. My sister and her DH are expecting their first and they got pg first cycle off bcp. I mean I am thrilled for them and would never ever wish for them to have to experience what we did. Its just hard b/c she wants to tell me about every little thing they are experiencing with pregnancy such as seeing the heartbeat for the first time and when she does, I feel like I'm being stabbed in my heart. I will never ever get to experience that. I mean there are women twice my age that could get pregnant if they wanted to yet here I am at not even 28 years old menopausal with not a single part of my reproductive system left. I cried yesterday. Alot. And I feel guilty because I have this absolutely beautiful daughter who I love with every ounce of my being and wouldn't trade for the world yet I still yearn to be able to experience that. I just thought that by now things would be easier. I'm not sure this really has a purpose but I just needed to let it out.
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Re: grieving and feeling guilty
I am so sorry. I would imagine some of the pain is still normal, even though sucky
I wish I had advice for you. I am praying for you.
ETA: and the feeling guilty part, I know that you wanting to experience pregnancy and loving your daughter are completely separate things. Many adoptive moms say they simply wished they had carried their child, meaning your abby. You don't wish for a different baby, just wished you could have carried her. So I hope you can let go of some of the guilt. I don't think there is a soul in this world who couldn't understandy why you feel like you do and what you're going through.
Grief can come and go in waves. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time of it lately.
Have you asked your sister to lay off the details? I would find it very upsetting to hear every detail.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are not alone at all! I love what MayDay said about grieving over not carrying YOUR child; I feel like that about Lily. It's not that I wish I could have a bio child - it's that I wish I had experienced a pregnancy with her. Obviously, she wouldn't be who she is if I had, but the feelings can't be helped.
My brother and SIL had their second last week (first try, of course:), and I was at the hospital when she was born. It was really bittersweet; I was thrilled to see my new niece, but the nursery and the whole experience was tough to handle for a minute. My husband said the best thing to me - he said, remember these feelings when/if Lily comes to you with grief over her birth mom. It's not personal; she may grieve, as well, that I didn't carry her.
Sending you lots of hugs!!!
Personal Adoption Blog
((HUGS)) I know what you mean about not wishing the bad stuff on others, but I wish they understood why I can't always be 100% thrilled for their good news.
I think it is good to cry about it, rather then deny that it makes you sad, you are dealing with the feelings. And you can't feel guilty about that sadness, it is a loss, even though having your gorgeous girl allows you to experience motherhood.
I had (have) a very hard time dealing with my brother & SIL's pg and now my nephew. It hurts that things were so easy for them. I had to have my mom tell SIL to stop calling me with all things baby because it wasn't fun for me it was painful. Maybe you need a little break from your sister's pg as well.
i'm sure your feelings are completely NORMAL!! i would honestly be honest with your sister and perhaps "open" her eyes that adoption is not the solution to IF and we IF ladies always carry the loss of never being pregnant. you certainly don't need to hear all the details....
sending you lots of (((HUGS))).
I am sending you a huge hug. I am so sorry you are feeling this way, but I do think it is very normal. I also had a hysterectomy. Although I did get to experience pregnancy, I did not get to experience labor or childbirth (I had a c-section and hysterectomy 2 months early). I have accepted it, but think I will always grieve about that loss to some extent. When I see a pregnant lady, I actually think, "wow...she has a uterus." At work yesterday, there were a couple of new tampons in tray of the tampon dispenser. I saw them, and it just hit me for some reason. I immediately thought about what it was like to have my period, and how I am both grateful and sad not to have them anymore. It is such a strange feeling.
Everything you are feeling--the sadness, the grief, the guilt--is very normal. It does not mean that you love your daughter any less. You are just grieving something very natural. Women are designed to make babies. When that option is permanently removed, it can touch some deep carnal level and make you feel like less of a woman (even though you aren't). It is so hard to explain, but I'm sure you know what I mean. Anyway, I'm there will be good days and bad days. I have them too. Hang in there. I am sending you another big hug. We are all here for you.
:::VIRTUAL HUGS:::
That's what we're here for!
With your sister it might help if you set boundaries. So, explain to her, that although you want to hear about the sex of the baby and such, you may not want to hear about the other bits and pieces like the heart beat, baby kicking etc, unlesss YOU bring it up. I had to do that with a friend of mine, and it helped tremendously!
:::VIRTUAL HUGS:::
I think grief never really goes away and that it's completely normal. I'm sorry you having a rough time now. [[hugs]]
I can't relate with you on the grief over never experiencing pregnancy, only on never getting to experience being pregnant with my DD. I think MayDay is right, it's not that you wish you carried a different baby, only that you wish you carried your baby. I still grieve over missing out on that...plus combined with anger and jealousy that my sister got to and didn't even appreciate it.
Oh, Sweetie, I'm so sorry. I have no magic words, unfortunately, but from everything I've read/heard, it's totally normal to have times like this, when the grief returns even after you thought you've fully accepted and dealt with all your feelings. I do believe that with time, though, these moments will become less frequent and difficult.
Hang in there. I hope you feel better soon. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
I'm so sorry, Butterfly! I totally understand how you feel. Even though I am excited about adoption, I still, occasionally, seethe with jealousy at pregnant people. Like you said, I don't begrudge them their joy - I just wish it was me.
Every once in a while, I entertain the thought of trying just one more time. Even though I know it will end badly (even if I got pregnant, it wouldn't last), I still "bargain" with myself: what if I lost 50 pounds? what if I went to a different RE? what if we had tried IUI or IVF?
And then I remind myself that being pregnant was not God's plan for me. Boo! I'm not happy about that, to be honest, but I have other happy things in my life and that is enough.
This is exactly how I feel with K....I just wish I could have carried HER.
"I have four children. Two are adopted. I forget which two. -Bob Constantine
"All for Love,' a Saviour prayed 'Abba Father have Your way. Though they know not what they do...Let the Cross draw men to You...."
I'm so sorry. I know exactly where you are coming from. Like someone else said the grief comes in waves. I feel downright pissed sometimes. Like I've been robbed. Then I feel guilty for being so sad when I have such a sweet little baby looking at me. But, I wanted more kids. Simple as that.
I felt pretty miserable when I was pregnant and my husband made the mistake of saying "you wanted this..." (He only said it once!) I told him I didn't want to be pregnant, necessarily, I wanted a family. I wanted a baby. Just like I didn't want a wedding, I wanted a marriage. I try to remember this when I'm sad about my hysterectomy. We can still have kids. Just not the way we wanted.
I'm sorry you are hurting. ((((HUGS)))
I wish I could hug you right now or had words that make all your pain go away but I can't and I don't. But take comfort in knowing that we all have you in our thoughts and that while I doubt this feeling will ever really "go away" I hope that atleast it becomes...more bearable and God willing easier as time goes on.