As a friend, what can I do?

Someday_Soon

One of my great friends had her twins on Monday, at 28 weeks.  This is after trying to get pregnant for years, then having to face a reduction when the infertility treatments finally worked.

 As I was visiting her tonight, she recieved news of yet another setback with her precious baby girl.  Hopefully it's not that severe, and the cardiologist seemed confident in both the diagnosis and the treatment.  But this is after the pneumothorax that requires two chest tubes... 

 I was so glad I was there to share this bad news with her, but I can't help but feel inadequate. I don't know what else to do but be there for her- but how much is too much?  I want to do research on other babies who were/are in her children's situation, but she hasn't asked me for info.  I want to mother her and bake her supper and chocolate chip cookies every night, but she has a husband and a plethora of other friends.

 All in all, I want to take her babies, put them back in her uterus, and keep them there for the next 3 months.  But I can't do that.  What can I do without being obtrusive, invasive or downright meddling?  Both she and her husband are reeling right now (understandably so) or I would have this conversation with her.  I'd like to go on the recommendation of those of you who can tell me, candidly, how to react for and with her.

 Thank you, and I'm sorry that you all have the experience to offer me this advice!

FutureMrsDenman

It sounds like you are a great friend, and the fact that you are interested enough to want to find out more about her babies and their conditions is amazing.  I say this, because it is often the case that even family members can remain quite ignorant of our babies conditions throughout their NICU stay. 

Anyway ... being there to listen, to help process information (I wouldn't do the research and offer the information unless they ask or participate in the process with you), to help relate the information to others in an easily digestible way (see if they want or have a blog that you could help maintain for friends and family) would be good.  They may need other practical support as well, rides to/from the hospital, meals made, laundry done, pets cared for, hospital parking cards or cards for food nearby.  If they don't already have it, the book Preemies, The Essential Guide for parents of Premature Babies is a fantastic resource!  Parts can be scary and may never relate to your friend's babies, but they can pick and choose the parts to read when/if they need the info.

Aside from that ... 28 weekers can have amazing success in the NICU.  I have a 28 weeker who was just 1 lb 11 oz at birth who will be 2 in 2 short months.  She is incredible - super physically active and confident, just in the process of a verbal language developmental explosion, and bright as can be.  The NICU rollercoaster was relatively easy for us in comparisson to what your friend is already dealing with, but everything I have heard about 28 weekers should give your friend hope!

Keep us posted and let us know if we can help answer her questions along the way ...

SBMBride406

I have a blog post on this topic:

https://takingontheworldwithourboy.blogspot.com/2009/06/faq-my-friend-just-had-preemie-how-can.html

You're sweet to care and as long as you support her, you'll be a great friend! We had some people disappear for a while and that really hurt.

ijack

honestly nothing is going to make her feel better. Having a premature baby is a horrible experience and one that sticks with her for the long haul. Here is a great article about what she may be going through https://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/25/health/25trau.html

Just be there for her and tell her that if she ever needs to talk or cry that you are there. Offer to cook or bring her food, clean her house or do her laundry. Right now she just needs a lot of support and love

Kimmie0270

The best thing you can do is be there for her.  Personally when my son was in the NICU I didn't want to see or talk to anyone - i didn't even allow visitors when i was still in the hospital.  But it was those special friends that stuck by me through all the ups and downs that meant the most.  Just be a shoulder to cry on and an ear to talk to.

jennigator3

I felt very alone when my son was experiencing problems in the NICU. I felt like an inadequate mother, it was awful. I never wanted to reach out to anyone, I don't know why, but I still remember the people who called me, texted me, or tried to get close to me and I appreciate them so much.

Just be there for her and let her talk to you about her baby. Be a constant source of comfort that wont go away no matter how depressed or grumpy she gets at times, that is the best thing to do.

Rachel&Joe

If I were you, I would just start doing stuff.  bring them food & maybe just leave it on the porch or something if you can.  sometimes when people wanted to be helpful, it ended up being more trouble than it was worth with all the coordination of when we would be home & then having to chat is excruciating sometimes.  So maybe leave a cooler with food in it or something?  Definitely mowing the lawn helps too.  Buying them groceries/coffee cards for the hospital.  Get them some gifts for their children like soft blankets, preemie clothes, etc.  If she's breastfeeding, maybe some re-usable breast pads, Lasinoh, etc.  Again, just leave them at their house with a card or something.  These are just ideas.

southphilly

ditto to the pps that said you're amazing for getting informed about preemies-the most wonderful thing for me is when my friends ask intelligent questions so I feel like I can talk to them about the process without overwhelming them-it helps to talk through all the information we're constantly being given by the doctors. 

mommamorris

what a great friend you are!!

i would recommend doing some research on your own, just so you can understand what's going on when they tell you about things....like you're doing now.

i've done a couple of blog posts on these issues... 

what not to say

how to help