S/O question on bonding...

franciscaz

 Did any of you have PPD?

So I'm starting to feel a little better about things.  Thank you ladies.  Honestly I am so embarrassed to admit these things IRL.  I feel like I need to be so strong and tough and just the best mother.  Great moms are not supposed to feel this way. 

I love my kids, but it is hard. I cry a lot and I feel very just shell shocked by all that happend.  Being in the hospital for 2 months and being away from my son.  Having the emergency c-section.  Having the cupcakes an hour away from me in a different city and having to commute back and forth twice a day.  I dunno if I'm just normal and it will be okay or if I should get help.

(Sorry to talk so much.  I just don't have anyone to talk to IRL who understands what I am going through and I know you all have).

SWMcFarland

You are 100% normal.  I read your post below, but the other ladies summed it up so much better than I ever could!

Great moms are doing EXACTLY what you are doing and feeling EXACTLY what you are feeling.  You have just been throuh a major trauma and major event.  This is truly a MEGA event.  2 months in the hospital is a long time to sit and be out of touch.  Going from all to not much with your son is again, extremely life-changing.  Now the NICU commute, coupled with losing the rest of your 3rd trimester is a LOT for someone to go through in such a small amount of time.  We were running on pure adrenaline while Lily was in the NICU.  My IL's happened to be in town when she was born and so was my family.  I basically had to suck it up and put on a brave face regardless of how I was feeling.

It came to a head the day we brought her home.  I remember taking her out of her carseat (she was asleep) and swaddling her in her crib.  She looked so peaceful but I was a wreck.  I looked at MH and said, "Now what?"  because for the past 2 months I had been in and out of hospital bedrest, then 13 days in the NICU, etc.  I truly didn't know what to do next.  I broke down that day, but it was a good thing.  Crying is ok, perfectly normal. 

What I am trying to say is that you have been through a lifetime's worth of emotions over the past few months.  It is perfectly normal to be a wreck. 

I know the feeling on the IRL thing.  We are always here.  If you need anything, don't hesitate.  :-)

jlc071903

I did. I had a very rough pregnancy (like you)- we thought we were going to lose the girls, then on BR for 10 weeks after emergency surgery, and then they were born at 30 weeks and in the NICU for 12 weeks and THEN I finally brought them home (during RSV season so we were on house arrest FOREVER). I THOUGHT I was doing well, until 2 days before DH had to return to work and I started up my crying again and couldn't stop...so I FINALLY called my OB and she said, "I've been waiting for you to call me, we should have put you on this MONTHS ago"...honestly being medicated was teh best thing for me. I'm off now (I went off in April) and I feel like I used to (before I went on BR). Seriously, it was like all the stressful events of the past mo nths just hit me that one Saturday. Please talk to your OB...I'll never forget the sign in our NICU that said...the #1 side effect of Pregnancy is PPD. 

ijack

That is what we're here for

You went through a shitty thing, there is no doubt about that and even though it does get better (promise!!), it's always going to be a horrible time in your life. I didn't suffer from PPD, but I did have PTSD and it's hard to get people to take it seriously. There is nothing bad about asking for help, it's better to get it now before they are home and things are a little more hectic. Don't feel bad if you can't get there 2x a day, don't feel bad if you're not happy all the time, don't feel bad if every once in a while (or all the time) you just want to cry. Do what is best for you and your family right now.
Huge hugs to you!!

Mommy2Gav

Everything you are feeling is normal. And things will get better!

TriciaJoy

Your post made me cry. I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I wish I could come give you a hug. Everything you're feeling is normal and expected. YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM.

As I said below- even women with ideal births suffer.. and you've been through HELL. If you said you weren't feeling a little "off" I'd think you were deluded or nuts.

I did not have PPD, but I certainly had some PTSD.. and after Robbie came home from the hospital (3 months later) I strugged with adapting a bit. I did call and get some anti-depressants. I never ended up taking them, but having them in the cabinet made me feel more secure. There's no shame in it at all.

 

Mrs. Destructo

Oh honey, I wish I was near you so I could give you a hug too. YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM!

You have been through, and are still going through a horrible kind of hell that very few people understand. It's okay for you to be overwhelmed. If you have to cry, cry. Cry and scream and then cry and scream some more. The situation you are in is not normal, and it just plain sucks. It is definitely okay for you to be scared, overwhelmed, angry, confused, numb, and about 10 thousand different emotions.

But to answer your question, looking back I am certain I had some form of PPD or PTSD, but I was too scared, overwhelmed and confused to realize what was going on so I never asked for help. If you are questioning if you have PPD or something else, chances are a doctor can help you. Call your doctor and ask for help. It is okay - you have been through an awful, horrible thing, and there is NO shame in admitting you could use a bit of help getting through the rest of it.

{{{hugs}}}

kamcfarlane

i'm sorry you feel that way. i remember feeling the exact same way....

that's what's so important to remember - we ALL felt the same way. i can't even explain to you what i relief it is every single time i have an irrational preemie fear or thought and come here and find out every else feels teh same way.

i have dealt with depression/PTSD before (after the very sudden death of a close friend) and realized after DS came home that i was having similar issues. i had NO idea how to proces what had happened to me. when my friend died, i knew how to grieve, i had grieved before and had watched others grieve. when our entire infertility/birth experience was over, i had no idea. i had a baby, and he was healthy, but i was still completely in shock. i felt like i could relate more with people that had lost their babies than people with normal pregnancies. i got counseling (i didn't want to go back on meds because the weaning sucks and we'll have another pretty soon) and it helped a ton. even just to talk it out with someone and get confirmation that my feelings and thoughts were normal and justified. not to mention my DH is a saint and will listen to me all day long.

making that first phone call is hard. even after i had already done it once, it was hard. you are an amazing mom - what you've already done for those babies goes above and beyond. hang in there and we're always here if you need us. (((hugs)))

lemen99

I think that is perfectly normal.  You are going through so much and most people don't understand.  (hugs)))))

BrainySmurfette

I strongly recommend therapy.  You might even be able to see someone at the hospital where your babies are.  I have a history of depression and PTSD, so my doctor set up therapy for me as a precaution.  It did help quite a bit. 

AviatorJJ

one thing i have learned from being a mom is to ask for help when i need it. it's OKAY to not be perfect, to feel sad, depressed and overwhelmed. find someone who you can talk to and make a diagnosis. imo OB/Gyn's are not the best people to talk to about PPD.

ShanaNChris

I didn't have PPD, but did have PTSD. As soon as Lily got discharged I wanted it all to be over and I thought I was good and then when I went back to work the additional stress of that was too much for me. I cried a lot, mostly about what happened, how it didn't go as I had dreamed it would, how things felt like they were entirely my fault. I blamed myself a lot. It didn't mean I was not a good mom. I was just dealing with a very unnormal situation in a very normal way.

Do you think maybe you are comparing this to Harmon's birth and the way you felt then to how you are feeling now. I don't know if Harmon's birth was "normal", but I think for a NICU situation, if you were glowing and super happy all the time and not crying - that would be weird. I think the way you are feeling is completely normal - you have just been through hell, and you were just trying to have your babies. We all know how you are feeling and are here for you.

crystalpopcorn

I was not diagnosed with PPD or PTSD.  Looking back, I am positive that I had some form of depression.  I just never sought help.  After everything I had been through (the cancer diagnosis at 5 months, the preemie birth, the hysterectomy), I didn't want to take one minute away from my son to get therapy.  However, I spent a lot of time crying or in denial or feeling numb.  Even at my 6 month checkup, my doctor asked me if I was depressed.  I started crying and said no. Thankfully, I was able to work through it on my own and am ok today.  However, if you are feeling sad, I strongly recommend getting therapy.  You have been through A LOT, and it can really help to have someone to talk to.

 Sending you a big hug!

 

 

Susan_KW

The first 5 weeks after DD was born were an emotional roller coaster.  I think I had a form of PPD in that I was a neurotic crying mess for the first 4 weeks after Zoe was born.  Then *poof* the neurotic crying part disappeared.

I was still a mess, but better able to keep things in perspective.  I'm not sure if this post makes any sense, other than I think there was something hormonal going on for the first couple weeks that DD was born that made the NICU experience worse than if the extra hormonal craziness wasn't there.