Telling someone your PG when they have trouble ttc?

docmay25

Back story:

When ds was 10 months old found out we were pg with dd.  Brother & sil were having trouable ttc at the time, so it was awkward telling them. (more sil)  I tried to be as gentle as I could.  They eventually got pg. 

Now, they are trying again and again (even with ivf) having trouble.  We just got a surprise bfp.  Totally unplanned.

I know it is going to be awkward telling them (her).  I feel so bad.  It isn't like I am intentionally trying to hurt them, but I feel like I don't even know  how to tell them.

If anyone else has been thru this can you give me some insight/advice.  Or if you have had a difficult time trying to conceive, how can I do this?  My plan was to just say it but not make a big deal out of it.

neesernicole

Well, holy cow, I missed the bfp!!!  Big congrats!!

And to answer your post, I am no help.  Just being sensitive would be a good start.

amiamish

We're currently trying to get pg, and while it's not been "forever" trying, if SIL was to get pg while I was trying, I would still be happy for them.

How did she react the first time?

docmay25

She would make a couple comments (not to me), about how dh and I just have to be in the same room and I get pg.  Or dh just has to cough on me and I get pg.

A part of me can totally understand, but at the same time it is not like I have had the easiest time.  Yes, I get pg easy, but one of my children died at full term.  Anyway, because of those comments I am apprehensive about telling them.

Rebekah1021

Maybe do it over the phone or email so it can be absorbed.

Congrats and try not let her get you down. Easier said I know.

capecodbaby

Speaking from experience (5 nieces and nephews were concieved and born while we were having trouble  conceiving) tell her over the phone. It will allow her to have the reaction that she needs to have, probably the breakdown that she needs to have and then be able to be genuinely happy for you when she sees you again.

I remember announcements being like a punch in the stomach and wanting to leave the room and cry when people told us face to face.   

wildflower865

Do not say it was an accident or unplanned.  That digs harder knowing how easy it was for you.  Sometimes people who are having trouble conceiving feel upset that maybe you don't want one as much because you weren't even trying and they are.

JenniC1135

capecodbaby:

Speaking from experience (5 nieces and nephews were concieved and born while we were having trouble  conceiving) tell her over the phone. It will allow her to have the reaction that she needs to have, probably the breakdown that she needs to have and then be able to be genuinely happy for you when she sees you again.

I remember announcements being like a punch in the stomach and wanting to leave the room and cry when people told us face to face.   

 

This is excellent advice, IMO.  It took us 2.5 years and 2 IVF cycles to get the twins.  I always appreciated people who were sensitive to us, and the phone is wonderful bc it's more personal than email, but allows her to let her eyes well up, or her face to get red, or whatever, without fear of you seeing.  It's awesome that you care.

docmay25

Thanks for all the advice.  I want to be very sensitive to them.  I know that punched in the stomache feeling...I get it everytime someone tells me they have twins.

I think not telling her face to face is a good idea.  It may even come better from my brother if I tell him and let him tell her.  I don't want to hurt her.

Printergirl

When we announced to our friends we had everyone over for drinks/snacks and then told them. We had called one couple ahead of time and told them we were planning on announce we were pg but wanted to let them know before hand. They really appreciated it, came early to thank us and chatted. I was able to tell them about my m/c which no one knew about so they understood a bit of why we kept it quiet for so long.

I'm so sorry for your earlier loss. My mom lost 2 babies late term and also a preemie. It is a very hard thing and even when you have healthy children people tend to forget you've had such a hard loss.

firefightersgal

I agree with the PP's who have said to tell her over the phone.  Speaking as someone who is currently having TTTC, it does hurt to hear that other people are able to get pregnant easily.  She's going to hurt, but because other people are able to get pregnant and she isn't.  I'm sure she'll be delighted for you, but at the same time wonder why it is that she has to struggle. 

kylara111

capecodbaby:

Speaking from experience (5 nieces and nephews were concieved and born while we were having trouble  conceiving) tell her over the phone. It will allow her to have the reaction that she needs to have, probably the breakdown that she needs to have and then be able to be genuinely happy for you when she sees you again.

I remember announcements being like a punch in the stomach and wanting to leave the room and cry when people told us face to face.   

Ditto this.  I actually think e-mail is better.  I had TTTC my first and it was easier to absorb the news without being on the spot if I didn't have to hear it directly on the phone or in person.  I can't imagine how it must feel to hear the comments she's made considering your history, but the comments she makes are really about HER not you.

Congratulations!