Pregnant after 35
Guilt and minor rant
I feel awful about this...
My little sister (38) and her husband are having financial problems. Apparently it's gotten to the point where she's appealing to the rest of the family to pitch in, otherwise the car will be repossessed. I feel protective of her, and my knee-jerk reaction is to try to help, BUT:
- They have TWO cars. One is already paid for.
- They own their own house
- We have just finished paying off a 30k debt of our own, and still need to buy baby things before October gets here
- We are not having a baby shower
- We have no car, and don't own a house... but we're saving for both
I'm battling sort of a bitter feeling. We've managed to do everything on our own, and I feel angry that she's gone into emergency panic mode over something she could fix just by selling the extra car. I need to write her an email or call her to tell her we can't help right now, and I need a way to word it without coming off as judgmental or angry.
Any ideas?
You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
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Re: Guilt and minor rant
Wow - I would feel the same way you do. I think the best thing would be to keep it short and simple - simply that you and DH are not in a position to help out financially right now. That's it. If she is ballsy enough to ask why not - then she's opened the door for whatever else you are holding back. I feel for her, but it's situations like this where she can learn a really valuable lesson as far as budgeting and living within their means. If they get bailed out, they will probably learn nothing.
Don't feel guilty - you and your DH have done the hard work, and you owe it to your LO to continue to work towards your own financial security before you start bailing out others.
I would say, only give if you can give and don't expect it back. Loaning money and not getting it back can put a wedge between you and your sister. Can you afford it financially and emotionally?
I will tell you I dealt with a similar situation and I'm bitter about it. My BIL, in short, has champagne taste and a beer budget and is a poor money manager. He is more concerned with image, lifestyle and impressing others than making wise financial decisions. He has claimed bankrupcy twice. I really loathe him.
I do feel bad however, for his wife and kids.
A little background: My son went to a private school last year along with his kids. Because we share the same last name, our accounts would get confused and we received delinquent notices for tuition. After helping to pay for their utilities, I found out they weren't paying for tuition. (there was NO reason why his kids couldn't be in public school!) We have never been paid back and I don't expect to. To rub salt in the would, I would drop my son off at school, I would see my BIL at Starbucks every day getting his morning coffee and danish. This used to make my blood boil. Additionally, my husband and I have a small company and this same BIL uses our services. The last job we did for him, he never paid and DH waived the fee (leaving us to cover expenses). Nice brother, huh? Fast forward a few months, another job done. He currently owes our company over $600 which was supposed to be paid "on the 17th" but can't pay it until he receives checks from his "clients" and has another job on the books.
I'm all for helping someone who is willing to help themselves but, history keeps repeating itself in our situation. We have our own financial struggles. With a baby on the way and a mountain of medical bills piling up, my financial priorities are with my immediate family.
Not sure if that answered any of your questions but, whew, it felt good to get that off my chest...lol, I think you struck a nerve
Honestly, I feel it is NEVER a good idea to lend money to family. Your priorities are your family, not theirs.
Did they honestly appeal to your whole family for help? That's pretty ballsy, considering how tough most people have it right now.
I would NOT email... call. Emails almost always get misinterpreted as being cold and heartless by the person getting "bad news." Perhaps you can suggest she read up on some more money saving ideas from Dave Ramsey and other financial gurus. He'll instantly tell them to sell the car they're making payments on.
Oh, I'm sorry you have to deal with this! I can understand feeling protective of her.
I would just keep it short and sweet (and I agree with pp, it's probably better to call) and just say with a little one on the way, you simply can't help her financially right now. You might suggest that she sell the extra car, too--maybe try to help her see solutions that she's not seeing b/c she's in panic mode? (solutions that aren't about getting $$ from family members)
Try not to feel guilty...you've got your own money to worry about especially with the expenses that a baby will bring.
Oh yea! So true about emails. You can not *hear* a person's tone in an email and emails can be forwarded. (I love Dave Ramsey. The guy makes so much sense and he HATES car payments!)
Definitely CALL! My sister and I are on the outs over an email argument and it totally could've been avoided had we just spoken to each other. I'm sure we'll work things out...just being stubborn sisters right now!!
This!