RP - Advice for a mom of a four year old?! Please!!!

danasport

My son just turned four and his behavior is, I'm sorry to say, awful. But only for me!  The babysitter tells me how wonderfully behaved he is, his summer camp teachers said it, my parents tell me, strangers tell me when we are out as a family in public, as long as my husband is there, too.   It started a few months ago and has been escalating. It's so sad, he used to be an absolute angel for me, my total little buddy. Everyone told me he'll get better at four...it's only been a week and things are worse than ever. He can't talk to me, only yell, scream a blood curling scream that could make glass break, call me names, try to hit me, etc..I'm almost too embarassed to say this, but, when I hear him getting up in the morning, sometimes I feel like crying. I know I sound like a terrible mom, but I'm dealing with him for 12 hours per day (no more nap, waaah!) every day. My husband works long hours, but on the nights that he does get home before bed, my son is very good and I sound like a nut, telling my husband about his naughty behavior from the day. My husband believes me, but he never really gets to see the maniac tantrums that I do. It doesn't help that I also have a 21 month old daughter that hides behind the couch when my son screams. I hope someone has some good advice, this is getting really old really fast and school doesn't start for two more weeks. AND!! It's only 9-12. HELP US!

katie277s

(((hugs))).  Do you put him in time out when he starts yelling at you?  When DS starts demanding things or yelling at me, he goes right into time out.  He usually kicks and screams while going, but once he's in there, then he knows he's done something wrong. 

What do you do when he starts hitting you or starts calling you names?  Those things should be punished (time out).  If they are just ignored (IMO) then he won't learn that those are not acceptable behaviors.  Try putting a toy in time out when he starts throwing things. 

Sorry you are going through this.  It will get better, sometimes it just takes a little more time.  

Reagan's Mommy

Sorry you are having such a rough time.  My daughter is only 2.5, but I see shades of this kind of behavior starting as well.

Reagan will occassionally hit/scratch me, scream at me, etc, but never displays this behavior to anyone else.  Of course, once DH walks through the door, everything is calm, but before that.....  well, you seem to know how that goes.

I've heard that children will test the person they are most comfortable with the most, and since you spend the most time with him (and Reagan with me) perhaps that is true.  The only meager advice I can offer is to respond calmly and consistently and make sure he is getting positive attention as much as possible.

Hope things get better for you and that someone else might have some helpful advice.  Hang in there!

docmay25

I am sorry you are going thru this and feel this way.  I can completely understand because that was me a year ago.  My son is the sweetest and pretty well behaved (typical not listening every so often).

But when he turned four, something happened.  He became very angry at everything.  He only did this with me.  He would scream out of control, tell me I was the meanest mommy ever, throw things, smash things.  I di dnot recogize my child at all.

A year later he is 100% back to himself.  I can say all I did was stay firm.  I would tell him very matter of fact that behavior was not okay.  He did many time outs (where he would scream).  But I had to let him know that I meant business.  If he was screaming on the floor, I would pay no attention to it.  I would walk away, go into another room. 

When he did any kind of good behavior (even the simplest thing) I would tell him how proud I was of him, how I loved what he was doing (I loved how you played so nice with your train, it made mommy so happy when you used calm words to talk to me). 

I also go books out of the library about feeling and read them a lot to him.  Books about kids having screaming fits, yelling at their mom and feeling bad after.  When he was calm we would talk about the book.

And behavior charts.  Find what he values the most.  My ds loves playing computer games.  I put behaviors on a chart that I want him to do...play nice with your sister, use calm words etc. whenever he did one of these things he got a sticker...after 5 he could play computer games.  If he did any kind of bad behavior, he got one warning then a sticker removed from the chart.

Good luck.  Hope some of this helps.  It is hard,especially when he is doing it just for you.  The number one thing I found out early on was not to raise my voice.  If I got frustrated and raised my voice or fought back it only made it worse.  My ds is very in tume with my feelings and feeds off of them.

 

danasport

Thanks, Ladies.  I feel better knowing it's not just me going through or having gone through this.  Some days I just feel like I'm just not a good mother and it makes me so sad.  I hate that I yell at him, but sometimes I just can't help it, especially when he's being mean to his sister.  I try to ignore him when he's calling me bad words or screaming, but it gets hard to ignore!  I've tried timeouts but he just gets out of his room, etc...and I give up.  I know Supernanny would not approve, but I need to keep an eye on the toddler, too!

I appreciate all your thoughtful responses.  I felt so guilty after I posted this, like how can I complain about a four year old beautiful, smart little boy, you know what I mean?

Thanks,

Dana

LanaM

Ethan often shows similar behavior when he does not get much mommy or daddy alone time. It's been going on more often lately because I now SAH with him and his 16 months old brother which requires non-stop attention. 

I had to bring back our "star system" from last year. He gets stars - for being nice to me, for doing his letters,  for doing things I ask him to do, for not talking back, for playing with his brother, for cleaning up his toys......   he gets five stars and he can watch a movie (a 30 minute program..... )

He can earn lots of stars each day, or none, or lose stars earned yesterday for the things you've mentioned above.

I noticed that lately I've been yelling at him and only telling him no this and no that, and getting upset with him way too much, so I am trying to bring back positive reinforcement. 

Sorry you're having problems. My kid was absolutely amazing until about 2 years and 9 months old and then it's like he was switched over night. I am still waiting for it to get better  

ilovemygirls

Four is a lot harder age than I anticipated. We started using the parenting technique 1-2-3 Magic for kids ages 2-12.  Honestly, it has helped.  I bought the paperback for $14.95 after going to a class on it through our local school district.  There are also DVD's you could probably check out at a local library.  There have been days where I also wanted to run & hide. I've accepted that my oldest is pretty high strung, dramatic- however, she has GOT to learn some self control because she cannot get away with bad behavior. 

The hardest thing is that we have always been consistent with consequences for behavior, so it was exceptionally frustrating that we were getting no results by age 3-4.  This technique is all about keeping yourself in check as well & handling the behavior so that they don't keep feeding off of pushing your buttons.  Would def recommend it.