Do you and your DH get counseling?

SportsLover

My sister is will be having a baby with a chromosome syndrome.  My family is encouraging counseling to prepare her for a worst-case scenario.  Did anyone receive counseling prior to giving birth and do you continue to receive it?  Is it helpful?  Any suggestions for trying to encourage her to get it?  I've tried to gently suggest it, but with the many specialists visits she has now, I'm not sure if she'll be up for seeking counseling or feel that it is necessary.  Thank you.

amajane

I need it. I get it. I couldn't function without it.

 

Having a baby born with special needs is like losing a child. There is HUGE loss, grief, anger, shock. Until about 4 months ago when I started therapy, there wasn't a day I didn't cry. 

She should definitely seek therapy. I wonder if her OB could recommend someone? Or does she have a pastor that she could speak to?

She has no idea how much her life will change once that baby is born. She could use all the support in the world. 

nanakwaz

If you can't talk them into getting counseling maybe they would talk to other parents or therapists that have kids with similar syndromes.  They might not know what to talk to a counselor about just yet.  I think the main point that they need to hear is that they will need each other more than anything.  If they choose to get counseling later, that is still an option but right now just talking to other parents might help.

.....or send your sister here!    This is a great board!

Justinlove

I think every person handles their emotions and stress differently and therapy is great for some, but is not always necessary for others.  It also depends on what type of chromosomal issues she is looking at.  In my case, dd has a chromosomal abnormality resulting in a condition with a lot of "unknowns."  We really don't know what the future holds, but her condition is not life threatening.  In our situation, I have been able to come to terms with living a life of uncertainty and constantly waiting on milestones, visiting specialists, having therapists in and out of the house, etc. with the support of my AMAZING husband.   I don't feel the need for a counselor at this point in time.  Pressing your sister too hard may cause her to draw back and not use you as part of her support system.  Just be there for her and let her decide what and when she needs it.

dairygirl19

ditto a lot of the previous posters. I think it depends on the people involved. My baby will be born with a chromosome disorder as well and we were advised to go to counseling.

It was the most godawful experience of our lives. I refuse to go back. I don't know if it was just our counselor or what, but they were so focused on the worst case scenario and how we basically need to be prepared for our world to end.

We're too much of positive thinking people to think that. Yes, our life will change/be different but we'll get through it. Also, our baby will have a lot of unknowns so why not focus on what may be positive/what can be taken care of, rather than what can't?

Dh and I rely on each and our pretty strong people. We'd rather hash the issues out between ourselves and be open and honest with each other rather than answering questions from a counselor.

We're also open and honest. Dh and I deny nothing. We've accepted the facts and will gladly share with anyone who asks.

So I wouldn't force your sister into it. It just made matters worse for us. It depends on the couple and their communication skills though I think.

And counseling isn't for everyone. I'm not comfortable talking about how I feel with someone who is essentially a stranger. That was harder for me than anything.

Pierce3252

Good lord I could have used counseling in the beginning - I agree with Marley's mom that I cried daily for a significant period of time.  Daily.  and nightly.   I have not had counseling.  There is a LOT of mourning involved, even though your child is still alive and staring at you every day.  I do pretty well most days - I just try my best to stay out of dwelling on the future and just live in the present.

My son was born with a genetic condition that is totally weird and messed up. (PWS)  Its not one that can be easily explained to most people without getting stupid questions in return.  Part of my son's condition is hyperphagia - which means he will never have a feeling of fullness and will just continue to eat if not kept in line by someone or something else.  There is no drug that can help it.   

I have a lot of faith in God and I think that time has healed a lot of the hurt that came in the beginning.  If I had talked to people like Dairygirl who only wanted to focus on negative outcomes I may have lost it.  I have to work to stay positive on a daily basis.  That said I have a wonderfully supportive husband and great parents and siblings that have helped a lot. 

Pierce3252

just to clarify that I mean counselors like Dairygirl spoke with - not Dairygirl herself    

 

EnglishMajor03

DD was born with SN that we didn't know about while we were pg.  Obviously being in therapy before the baby was born wasn't an option for me. I attend various groups (parents of children with chronic conditions, post-pardum depression group) as well as provide/get support from a couple online groups that have been really helpful as well.

I started going to therapy in February/March-ish when I found out I was pg again(unplanned).  The trauma that I went through with DD was so terrible that when I found out I was pregnant again I lost it; think PTSD.  It was helpful to talk through my fears of this birth, having another child with the condition, and actually process what happened with DD.  It was very easy for me to bury a lot of the emotions I had right after she was born as something in the past. 

I'm doing much better now.  In fact, I was going weekly, then bi-weekly...now I'm going every six weeks.  I think the key to therapy is finding the right fit.  I tried one woman and we just didn't click.  Then I found the woman I see now and she's awesome. 

I am not sure it would have been helpful for me to go to therapy while the majority of the intense care was needed for my DD.  At that point I was in survival mode and  that lasted for about a year.  Maybe I had some denial there too, I'm not sure.  But the point of the matter is that I'd encourage therapy and getting in touch with other parents who have children with SN.  Whether or not she wants therapy or is ready for it, is something only she can decide.   HTH.

EnglishMajor03

Pierce3252:

just to clarify that I mean counselors like Dairygirl spoke with - not Dairygirl herself    

 

Oh okay!  I was thinking that was a strange comment! 

SportsLover

Thank you for your responses.  A lot of points have been made that I have not thought about and I will keep them in mind while I continue to support my sister.  Thank you again!