Do you judge SAHMs who send their kids to daycare?

AlisaS

Just in reference to a pp about thinking SAHMs should be at home with their kids.

If my hubby's salary went up or we won the lottery, I would sure as crap quit my job and SAH....and still send my kids to daycare. Because it is good for them. And I would have time for lots of hobbies. And the gym, and lunch with friends. And a housekeeper.

And no guilt!

 

soccermom-to-be

I don't judge them because it's their choice to spend their money and time in that manner.  

That being said, no matter how much money we had, I would still have to work or do something that utilizes my brain.  I am not saying that SAHMs don't use their brains but I do believe that I am more challenged and stimulated by working outside the home.  When we all get together, SAHMs talk kids, kids, kids.  My WM friends and I talk kids, work, politics etc. 

The_Jen626

I would SAH right now if we could still afford our lifestyle on DH's income alone.  If I could shop freely, go out to lunch and dinner ever day, still have a housekeeper, get my hair done every 6 weeks, etc.  I would probably send DD to daycare 1-2 days a week, because I think she learns a lot at "school" (LOL) and it's good for her to be around other babies.  On those days, I would do volunteer work to "use my brain".

So, no I don't judge.

taylormillgirl

What you describe- winning the lottery, household servants, the whole day free to do whatever you choose, is what I'd call being a lady/gentleman of leisure. I think the term stay-at-home parent has certain implications, largely that you are the children's primary caregiver during the day.

That being said, if I knew any SAHPs who used day care (which I don't), I would probably judge him/her a little bit. And if I'm being honest with myself, that judgement would stem from jealousy. Who doesn't want more time to themselves? 

AlisaS

So, if I quit my job, sent my kids to DC 3-4 days a week, and did whatever the heck I wanted the rest of the time, what would I call myself?

momofolivia

So, if I quit my job, sent my kids to DC 3-4 days a week, and did whatever the heck I wanted the rest of the time, what would I call myself?

 

lucky?

I don't know any SAHM that send their kids to daycare.  But I guess if I did, it might raise my eyebrows a bit, but i really wouldn't care what they did.

taylormillgirl

AlisaS:

So, if I quit my job, sent my kids to DC 3-4 days a week, and did whatever the heck I wanted the rest of the time, what would I call myself?

I dunno. Really lucky?

Edit: to the pp- jinx, you owe me a Coke!

AlisaS

For me, I find that daycare is something so worthwhile for my guys that I wouldn't deprive them of the experience if I decided to quit my job and do other stuff. That is the altruistic part.

The other side is that...why not? Quitting my job would free me up to do fifty million things which would continue to fulfill me and make me a better parent and a happy human being. Why do something I wouldn't want to do (be a SAHM) just because I quit my job?

AlisaS

To add - does being a SAHM imply that you do housework, too? If you don't do you get the side-eye?

 

WheelerToBe

I judge moms who kids go to school, what are they staying at home for now.  I feel like every dollar I didn't make was money I was robbing my family from having.  Even a part time job is at least something to help out.  But if they are very wealthy then no go do whatever you want daycare is good for kids! 

MosersGirl

I wouldn't call someone a SAHM if they had kids and sent them to daycare every day.  I am a SAHM and I am with my daughter all day.  It's my job.

saragus

WheelerToBe:

I judge moms who kids go to school, what are they staying at home for now.

To be around when the kids are sick, before and after school, summers, holidays, to go on field trips, volunteer in the classroom, etc.  But I forgot, you "hate" all SAHMs.   

Pesky

Not judge -- envy.  Like you, I would still send my kids to DC because I see how DD has blossomed with it and truly doubt I could provide the same stimulation she receives there (and certainly not the same peer interaction).  They might go for fewer hours but heck yeah, they'd go.  Although if I won the lottery I'd probably still work PT on a charitable foundation I want to form.

AlisaS

WheelerToBe:

I judge moms who kids go to school, what are they staying at home for now.  I feel like every dollar I didn't make was money I was robbing my family from having.  Even a part time job is at least something to help out.  But if they are very wealthy then no go do whatever you want daycare is good for kids! 

Why judge if they are happy?

BennyL

We are pretty much alone where we live - our family and friends are in other states/countries - so it's not like we have a bunch of kids in our circle for DS to interact with. That said, if I were a SAHM, I would want DS to go to DC 2 days per week to play with other children etc. I think it would be good for him. And then while he's at DC, I could finally catch up on the piles of chores, errands, mail, cleaning etc that we have.

IrishBrideND

I judge the following situation:

 

I have a family friend who hates her son and calls him "the little ***." She stays at home but has no hobbies. In fact, she doesn't have friends and very rarely leaves the house. The husband takes the son to day care on his way to work, and picks him up on his way home. They pay for extended day care so the wife doesn't have to pick him up (its not far from their house). When the husband brings the son home, he is in charge of him.

 

Its sad.

IrishBrideND

I should add that I know a TON of sahm's in my parents generation that did not work when their children went to school. But they voluntereed. In fact, many volunteered more hours then many people work. I think a lot of people forget that just because you aren't working doesn't mean you aren't doing something important. Their husbands were sucessful, so money wasn't needed and they saw it as an oppertunity to do something for the community.

EastCoastBride

I do have to say- if I didn't have to work, I'd probably have a PT nanny.  We have a PT nanny now (nanny share) and once in a blue moon, I've been off on the day she works, and it's nice to have her taking care of DS while I run errands.  I can get more done faster w/o him.

But if I didnt' work, I would expect to be taking care of himi most of the time. 

citygirl_

WheelerToBe:

I judge moms who kids go to school, what are they staying at home for now.? I feel like every dollar I didn't make was money I was robbing my family from having.? Even a part time job is at least something to help out.? But if they are very wealthy then no go do whatever you want daycare is good for kids!?

This coupled with your other post makes me thing you have some serious resentment issues or something. ?What is your deal? ?I am a SAHM and have no intentions of returning to the workforce, even when our children are school-age. ?Why would you judge that? ?Our family is as happy as can be... what's the big deal??

14years

Only if they complained that their lives were hard. 

And even then, you never know what else they are dealing with, so I should really probably just say "no."

AmyCC1980

Nope.  I do not judge at all.  I would give up my right arm if it meant that I could walk into my manager's office at this very moment and give him my 2 weeks notice.  I would love to SAH with my DD but I would still put her in a mother's morning out program at least two mornings per week.  After seeing her in daycare I know that she benefits from interacting with other babies and other adults.  Plus it would be a benefit to me to be able to run a few errands on my own, walk the dogs, or maybe even be able to volunteer a few hours per week. 

FloF9

Would I judge a woman who doesn't work and puts her kids in school full time.  Nope - I would think her as very lucky.  Now if the lady was still b*tching and moaning about her life I would think she's an ungrateful sh*t. I wouldn't waste any more time on thinking about her.

 

 

shouldbeworkin

I wouldn't send them FT 5 days a week, but they'd be in some sort of preschool for 3 days a week, probably 9 to 12 or so.  And, you'd better believe I'd have some sort of babysitter come over at least 1x a week so that I could get out to do some errands alone.  It's not that bad when you have 1 child, but you add a second to the mix and a hard working DH and you're bound to feel like a shut in from time to time.

Taylor44

Honestly, I don't think anyone should be judged.  I get annoyed by those who jump to conclusions about people based on such a small amount of information.  I see many benefits of my son being in DC, and I have said many times that if my husband or I were to SAH, my son would still be enrolled in DC PT.  What is right for one family, may not be right for another family.  But it isn't reason to judge them.

kgb1411

This post cracks me up.  Yeah, I guess I would judge a SAHM who sent her kids to daycare, but not anymore than I would judge community psychiatrists who stopped caring for their homeless, mentally ill patients and spent their day shopping instead 

Bella427

Honestly, if they put their kids in daycare 40-50 hours per week just to do hobbies, I'd probably judge them.  20 hours a week for socialization, a break for mom, etc. I have no problem with.  I realize the line is a bit arbitrary, but that's I honestly feel. 

ai&Jas

AlisaS:

For me, I find that daycare is something so worthwhile for my guys that I wouldn't deprive them of the experience if I decided to quit my job and do other stuff. That is the altruistic part.

The other side is that...why not? Quitting my job would free me up to do fifty million things which would continue to fulfill me and make me a better parent and a happy human being. Why do something I wouldn't want to do (be a SAHM) just because I quit my job?

AlisaS-- I love you You always crack me up but mostly I enjoy the healthy discussions you generate.

I would certainly not judge this type of mother and would actually envy her! If money was no issue I would quit my job in a heartbeat, send DD to "school" because she loves it and has really benefited from you and I would sleep in, run some errands (I'm guessing if I had a ton of money I'd have a house cleaner too!), take up a bunch of cool classes- art, photography, cooking etc. I'd also volunteer and spend more time with DD on her days off. AND I would have more time trying out new and exciting recipes! We would go to the museum, zoo and just have a great time. Heck I'd even volunteer at her school and some days DH would take days off to hang out with us. The list is endless...

tosababy

I think they're probably rich and I get a little jealous, but I don't judge them. 

jlw2505

Not at all, my sister was a SAHM when her kids were little and once they turned 1 or so, she sent them to daycare part time.  I think it was 2 days a week at first and then 3 days as they got into preschool age.  Both her kids loved it and it really helped them develop more social skills.  My sister used the time to get things done around the house or just have a little time to herself that everyone needs.

SWMcFarland

WheelerToBe:

I judge moms who kids go to school, what are they staying at home for now.  I feel like every dollar I didn't make was money I was robbing my family from having.  Even a part time job is at least something to help out.  But if they are very wealthy then no go do whatever you want daycare is good for kids! 

That is a very general statement.  My mom did this, and I am forever grateful.  She was able to attend EVERY.SINGLE.EVENT I had growing up--never missed a beat.  Our home was immaculate, dinner every night at the same time, etc.  I am a full-time working mother who has NOTHING but fond memories of this time with my mom.  She worked harder than I currently am.  I am lucky that we are able to afford to have someone clean our house, my DH cooks, and I am able to spend my non-working hours with my DD, not stressing over that other stuff.  My mom had to do all of those things while managing a 12 year old, 6 year old, and newborn!

 

 

Smittenkitten05

AlisaS:

The other side is that...why not? Quitting my job would free me up to do fifty million things which would continue to fulfill me and make me a better parent and a happy human being. Why do something I wouldn't want to do (be a SAHM) just because I quit my job?

Well, the flip side is, why should your husband continue to work to support you so that you can have fun all day with your hobbies?

(this would be n/a if you won the lottery)

kbs0929

IrishBrideND:

I judge the following situation:

 

I have a family friend who hates her son and calls him "the little ***." She stays at home but has no hobbies. In fact, she doesn't have friends and very rarely leaves the house. The husband takes the son to day care on his way to work, and picks him up on his way home. They pay for extended day care so the wife doesn't have to pick him up (its not far from their house). When the husband brings the son home, he is in charge of him.

 

Its sad.

  wow, my heart breaks for that kid.

Halo79RN

14years:

Only if they complained that their lives were hard. 

And even then, you never know what else they are dealing with, so I should really probably just say "no."

 

ditto.... 

regarding the pp, it wasn't the fact that they stayed at home and their children went to parttime daycare or preschool... it was the fact that they have that ability and time for leisure and yet complained about it that just seems off and would make me wonder???

AlisaS

kgb1411:

This post cracks me up.  Yeah, I guess I would judge a SAHM who sent her kids to daycare, but not anymore than I would judge community psychiatrists who stopped caring for their homeless, mentally ill patients and spent their day shopping instead 

What if I called it retiring early?

AlisaS

Smittenkitten05:

AlisaS:

The other side is that...why not? Quitting my job would free me up to do fifty million things which would continue to fulfill me and make me a better parent and a happy human being. Why do something I wouldn't want to do (be a SAHM) just because I quit my job?

Well, the flip side is, why should your husband continue to work to support you so that you can have fun all day with your hobbies?

(this would be n/a if you won the lottery)

Oh, he could quit too. But he wouldn't.

flyer23

Totally depends on the situation.

I plan to continue sending DD to preschool while I'm on maternity leave. I don't feel guilty about that at all. She will have more fun there than she'd have stuck at home with a BF'ing mom and a newborn baby. We will also likely cut back her hours significantly (by at least half).

One of my friends is a SAHM. Her youngest is age 2 and home full-time, but she sends her 4-year-old to preschool 5 days/week (although only for about 3 hours) and her 6-year-old is in kindergarten. I don't judge that at all. 

Even if she sent her 2-year-old to preschool or MDO or whatever, I would still find that perfectly acceptable. I know quite a few SAHMs who send their toddlers to part-time preschool. Makes sense to me. Preschool is a great experience!

Now, my previously-mentioned SAHM friend lives in a neighborhood where most women do not work but have full-time nannies. Now, that makes very little sense to me. I can totally see the benefits of daycare/preschool, e.g. increased socialization, increased range of activities, etc. -- but with a nanny, you're talking about the exact same amount of socialization, activities, etc. that would be accessible to you as a SAHM. Sure, it's nice having the assistance of an experienced child caregiver, so I can see a part-time nanny maybe... but for 40+ hours/week?

Along the same lines, I can't see putting an infant in daycare, even part time. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against daycares for infant care, we may very end up going that route with the new baby. But I don't see the same sorts of benefits for an infant in daycare as I do for toddlers/preschoolers. Not that it's bad for them in any way, shape, or form, or that they don't socialize or enjoy activities that they might not be able to do at home... but it's just not AS important as it is for older kids. Plus, it's so hard to find part-time infant care, and as I said before, I think it is weird to send your kids to daycare full time if you are a SAHM. With an infant, I'd look for a part-time nanny or mother's helper, not a daycare.

That said... I know I shouldn't judge even the SAHMs with full-time nannies. If it works for their family, great. But I can't help but find it weird.

molldoll71

Well - this is me at the moment - I was laid off in August and Billy is still going to daycare - he gets so much more out of it then he would sitting in the house with me all day.  I also plan to go back to work so I want to keep him used to his schedule.  He is doing shortened days and not every day but I could theoretically keep him home with me.

flyer23

MOLLDOLL! Where ya been??? Boooooooo on the layoff.

katydid2007

Damn, I'm so late on this!  I am not a judgmental person when it comes to these types of issues. The only women I judge are the self righteous biitches who (whether they work, sah, wort pt, sah and send their kids to daycare) spew their words and lives to others in an attempt to make others feel bad about their lives or the decisions they've made.  I loathe these types of people and think they have serious problems - why would you try to make another mother feel bad about choices she's made or the life she has to have.  I rarely see this irl, actually, but I see it on here often and it always pisses me off. 

WendyK

no but as you can tell my post it irks me when they complain how their life is so hard and that they are so "busy". That annoys me.

WendyK

Just to clarify, I just finished reading all the post. I think it is great that they are letting their kids go to DC for the socialization but my friends often tell me that they are a mom 24/7 and I just don't understand their lives. I think that is annoying.