How would you handle this?

mandy417

A little back story...my mom and I are not very close. In a word she is crazy. I won't get into those details but she has issues. She says she is bi-polar.

 Right after we found out we were having a boy we told everyone his name would be Ethan. My mom has never called him by this name. She calls him 'mini-me'.  

This drives me up the wall. When she says or text anything about him she will ask about 'mini-me' and I always answer back 'well ETHAN is ______'

 Today she had lunch with my sister and afterward I get an email at work from my sister telling me that mom kept referring to Ethan as 'mini-me' so my sister told her that it bothered me that she called him that and not his name. 

 Her response was 'I know it bothers her, that's why I do it'. My sister says well you need to call him by his name. To which she responds that she doesn't intend on calling him 'that name' even after he is born because she doesn't like it and she thinks 'it sounds like a gay persons name'  

 After hearing this I am so mad! I don't know what to do about this situation. She is a very hard person to get along with and you can't sit her down and have a heart to heart talk with her. She never accepts responsibility for her actions and never thinks she is in the wrong.

How would you handle this situation? I went a year without talking to her before I got pregnant and I've tried to make things right with her so she can be a grandparent to Ethan, but this is making me re-think having her in our lives. 

 What would you do?

TUSBride22

"Well, that is his name.  If you choose not to call him by his name, then I guess you won't be seeing him or being a part of his life, which really, is too bad for you".  Then tell her that you are going to teach him that her name is Douchebag.

CapitolBaby

It sounds like your mom is indirectly bullying you around.  If it was me, I would just take a break from her until she knows that she must respect YOU as a mother.  If she disrespects you as a mom, then don't pay her any respect.

I'm sorry you're going through it.  At least you have us Bump gals to always support you!

goldenleaves

Ethan will be our son's name too!

When we were still deciding between several names, we were sharing our choices.(People IRL know we've decided on a name, but we're not sharing until he's born). My dad's best friend said, "Ethan is a sissy name. Ethan gets picked on."

Because I'm not overly close with him (and don't overly care about his opinion on our son's name) it didn't bother me. If my mom had said that, it would hurt my feelings. Could you sit down with her and tell her, "Mom, it really hurts my feelings that you won't call my son by his name." Worse comes to worse, I would tell her that she had the chance to name her kids, now you get to name yours.?

woolgathered

I would say to her she needs to get over it, that is his name, and it is not anything else. And if she can't behave, then she can't be around the baby. Plenty of bipolar people are reasonable, functional adults, and being mentally ill is no excuse to gay bash a baby.

JenniferJaneC

That is extremely disrespectful of her.  It is also a form of control.  She needs to have some boundaries on that.

And while a name like Ethan is not my style, if anyone says it is a weak or sissy name, they need a history lesson.  Ethan Allen was a famous military leader, a patriot in the Revolutionary War, a successful businessman, and writer.  It is a name with a long history of strength.

colacrock

TUSBride22:

"Well, that is his name.  If you choose not to call him by his name, then I guess you won't be seeing him or being a part of his life, which really, is too bad for you". 

This. And what the pp said about respecting you as a mom. If she can't respect you, she shouldn't be in your life. You don't deserve that stress!

epphd

I'm really sorry.  My mom refers to our impending child as "my (her) baby" and that alone drives me nuts.  I know exactly what you mean about the mental health situation - my mom has diagnosed bipolar disorder and despite being on meds for over 10 years, still has some significant personality issues.

We went a few months without talking and honestly, it was therapeutic for both of us.  You've obviously been there, done that, and I suggest you do again. 

Try to have a calm conversation with her and tell her that you feel like she is intentionally picking on you, and if she can't respect you, you will need to keep your distance.  Make it her choice. 

I know you can't ever deal rationally with someone with significant mental illness, but you can at least control how you respond and how much you will tolerate.  How she deals with the reprecussions isn't your problem.

Hang in there!!

mandy417

TUSBride22:

"Well, that is his name.  If you choose not to call him by his name, then I guess you won't be seeing him or being a part of his life, which really, is too bad for you".  Then tell her that you are going to teach him that her name is Douchebag.

I love this!

RLavonda

I had found out through experience, when you are dealing with family members you have to love them for who they are, and who they are not. True, she shouldn't have mentioned that Ethan is a gay name, that was just insensitive, but she's the only mom you will ever have, so love her while you can because tomorrow is never promised. I am sure that further down the line, you and Ethan will have misunderstandings, regardless of who's right or wrong, just LOVE them. It's hard advice, but its some of the best advice that I have received, so I am just passing it on to you. Good luck with everything!

xvicki11

TUSBride22:

"Well, that is his name.  If you choose not to call him by his name, then I guess you won't be seeing him or being a part of his life, which really, is too bad for you".  Then tell her that you are going to teach him that her name is Douchebag.

I know that this is not the most mature response, but it is really funny! It made me laugh out loud!

On a more serious note, this post has a point. Ask your mother what she wants the baby to call her, then change it. Have him call her by her first name, not grandmom, or mom-mom, whatever.

After a couple of times of you referring to her by something she doesn't like, maybe she will get the point.

Good Luck, sorry to hear you feel this way, my mom can be stubborn, but she would not go this far.

oohgrrl11

I can relate because my mom has psych issues as well. It is sooo hard! I mentioned a name to some co-workers that I liked and my boss said "It is a fine name, if you want your son to be gay." It was so inapproriate and idiotic that I didn't even know how to respond. And THAT is rare for me You could try to not acknowledge her when she refers to him by anything other than his name. For example, when she asks a question about mini-me, act like you don't hear her. Then if she does call him by his name, answer like normal. Maybe she will get the hint.

TUSBride22

xvicki11:

TUSBride22:

"Well, that is his name.  If you choose not to call him by his name, then I guess you won't be seeing him or being a part of his life, which really, is too bad for you".  Then tell her that you are going to teach him that her name is Douchebag.

I know that this is not the most mature response, but it is really funny! It made me laugh out loud!

On a more serious note, this post has a point. Ask your mother what she wants the baby to call her, then change it. Have him call her by her first name, not grandmom, or mom-mom, whatever.

After a couple of times of you referring to her by something she doesn't like, maybe she will get the point.

Good Luck, sorry to hear you feel this way, my mom can be stubborn, but she would not go this far.

This is what I was hoping she would get from my post : )

mir628

TUSBride22:

"Well, that is his name.  If you choose not to call him by his name, then I guess you won't be seeing him or being a part of his life, which really, is too bad for you".  Then tell her that you are going to teach him that her name is Douchebag.

 

HA!  I love this. However, for the female gender, my friend and I came up with a better word: Douchehag.

 

She's definitely being a douchehag.  And I think Ethan is a lovely name.