Terminating an adoption

Temp206787500007404

https://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/08/26/terminating-an-adoption/

ColoRxGirl

Wow.  My heart is breaking for all the people involved.  For the family that wasn't as prepared for a special needs child as they thought they were and for the little boy caught up in the middle.

It sounds like there were other issues going on, too (5 bio kids, husband deplyed for extensive time frames).  I can't imagine taking on a child with this level of need while juggling these other things.

I'll be honest - I've thought about the possibility of failure.  What if I'm not a good enough parent?  What if my child has seemingly insurmountable needs?  I think these are normal fears for every parent and I don't obsess on the topic, but what if all this doesn't have a happy ending?

While I can't imagine ever relinquishing a child - I bet this woman never thought she would either. . .

MayDayGirl

That is really sad.  I'm not criticizing, it's just sad.

jacksjerseygirl

I admit this made me tear up and I have several thoughts - not complete thoughts but just thoughts:

- I agree with one of the commenters that the professionals involved should have not allowed this family to adopt a child that would require special attention given that they already had 4 young children and a father figure who would not be around much;

- Becoming attached/bonding to a child is difficult no matter if they are biological or a newborn. Many biological mothers state that they don't feel true attachment to their newborn baby until 3-6 months (love yes but that motherly bond/attachment no). I've been gathering research on adoptive mothers and their bonding/attachment to newborn adopted children and figures are almost the same as with biological mothers 2-4 months of age. So add in an older child with special needs and I can imagine it might take much longer to feel that attachment of mother/child;

- I think she is brave for writing about this and ultimately, she obviously did the right thing for the child but it just makes me wonder how she was prepared for a child with some special circumstances.

Thanks for sharing!  

CaptainSerious

My heart breaks for her and for little D.  I can't imagine being in that situation, and it must hurt so much to think that a family member you've wanted so much and for so long just isn't adjusting into your family.  I commend her for doing what she believed was best for the child, despite the challenges it brought into her life.

All that being said, I can't help but wonder if termination really was best.  It sounds to me as if she was basically shouldering all the responsibility herself and that she wasn't prepared for the possibility that attachment might take longer than with her biological children.  I don't want to armchair diagnose her situation, but I wonder if she was actually suffering from PAD, didn't recognize it as such, and instead decided that she and the child just couldn't bond.  If so, I wish she had access to someone who might have been able to help her identify it and help her through.  Eighteen months is no small amount of time to have tried, but I wonder if she was trying to address the right issues.

I do personally know a family with a disrupted adoption.  They adopted four boys from Russia over the years.  Two assimilated into their family and life in the US virtually seamlessly.  One presented some adjustment and attachment issues, which the family addressed, and things have worked out well.  The fourth boy has not been able to do the same.  Over the years, he has repeatedly acted out, to the point of burglary and arson.  They have done everything in their power to help him, including therapy and working with all sorts of attachment and behavioral professionals, all to no avail.  The boy just has so much pent-up anger at authority figures, he keeps acting out.  At his request (he's a teen), he's now living with my friend's mother (his adoptive grandmother) where he's doing somewhat better.  I think just having a say in his living situation made a big difference.

CaptainSerious

The more I think about this, the more I have bad thoughts/feelings about it.  I know she says she always wanted a big family and to adopt.  But it just reads as though she may have been hoping the child would help fill the void that was left by her husband?s absence.  And then I wonder why she needed her husband to make her whole in the first place.  I know that's terribly unkind, but I just can't help but wonder it.

GLynn2009

How sad for everyone involved.

Sally J

This is so sad.  Having a bio son and also gone through adoption I can say that the bonding process takes awhile no matter how the children come to you.  I felt the same detached feelings for Cooper as I did Charlotte for at least 3 months.  I don't know how many times I thought to myself 'If I just go through the motions then one day I'm sure I'll feel what I'm supposed to.'  It took longer (about 8 months) with Charlotte for a variety of reasons.  During that time I thought many times about 'just giving her back'.  I would have the same thoughts about Cooper if there was anywhere to give him back to.  I'm just glad my DH and friends recognized that I seemed to be struggling with PPD and PAD and I sought help.  Otherwise I don't know if I would have ever really bonded with either of my children.

Now that we are dealing with some behavior and development issues with Charlotte I am challenged as a parent.  However I also see her as my daughter and the idea of giving her back makes me feel ill.  There are moments that I still question if this was the right thing for everyone, but those are mostly when it gets complicated with my family.  (I just asked myself the other day if I am supposed to count Charlotte as a niece when I tell people how many nieces and nephews I have.)

I'm sad that this woman never got the chance to feel as bonded to her adopted child as she does her bio children and that this situation pushed her to her limits.  I think this is a good lesson on why it's important to be honest about what you can and cannot handle.

I have a mommy friend who has 7 children - 3 bio and 4 adopted.  She did one private adoption and the other three were through foster care.  She said with the first two from foster care (a sibling boy/girl pair) were treated terribly in their previous foster home (strapped into a carseat all day with a bottle of cereal and Elmo on TV at age 1 and 2!) so they had a lot of issues.  She said it took her 2 years to feel comfortable going through with the adoption and feel like more than just a babysitter to both of them.  Now she says it's hard for her to remember ever feeling that way since they are most definitely her son and daughter.  Bonding can take a very long time especially if there are other issues that can get in the way (depression of mother, development/physical issues of the child).

Sally J

I wonder if she would have made the same decision for a disabled bio child.  Would she have placed one of her DD for adoption if she realized it was beyond her capacity to care for the child?  I think it could be a double standard - it's okay to give an adopted child back when it's too hard, but not okay to place a bio child for adoption when it's too hard.

517butterfly

This story is just so sad.

crystalpopcorn

Wow.  I just read the article and all of the comments.  It is just so sad.  I don't know what else to say.  I probably need to digest it more before commenting.

Mrs.Johnson

I agree, very sad.  I believe that the child's needs should definately come before the parents, wants, needs, feelings or insecurities.  So...ultimately she did the right thing.  I would never have adopted if I already had 5 kids to care for!

LadyRed7

just so heartbreaking.

LotsaOranges

Sally J:

I wonder if she would have made the same decision for a disabled bio child.  Would she have placed one of her DD for adoption if she realized it was beyond her capacity to care for the child?  I think it could be a double standard - it's okay to give an adopted child back when it's too hard, but not okay to place a bio child for adoption when it's too hard.

This was my first gut reaction after reading the article - would she have just given up on one of her daughters if she was "too much to handle?"

 That being said, love and feelings aren't rational. If she truly couldn't parent the child, it is better to give him to another family where he could be loved and cherished.

Just a sad story overall. I can definitely see how different people see it different ways - it is heart-wrenching.

noonecarewhoiam

It's a difficult situation, and obviously a decision the author didn't take lightly, as she parented D for 18 months prior to making the decision to disrupt the adoption.

I don't want to sound like I'm lecturing, but this is very different from the lack of instant attachment with a child, either bio or adopted. RAD is more than the mother not bonding to the child. It's REJECTION of the mother BY the child. Until you have experienced that, it's impossible to fathom how that might feel. My DS#1 bonded to me very slowly, and it was gutwrenching. You cannot imagine how difficult it is to be rejected by the child for whom you have waited 4 years. He bonded quickly with his Dad and prefers him to this day (although we bonded eventually, over the course of a few months).

Disruption happens, and the more people are upfront about the realities of adoption, the better educated and prepared PAPs can be. Sadly, I think too many PAPs are so caught up in finally becoming parents that they have selective hearing with regard to the realities/unknowns of some situations--they act with their hearts and don't stop to think things through fully.

Agencies aren't blameless, either--we know this is an industry, and agencies can easily forget their goal should be finding families for children, and not the other way around. And let's face it, there are agencies (and I've seen evidence on this board) that are willing to stretch the rules to get families a child.

I can't imagine having to make the decision the author made, and I sincerely hope no-one else on this board does, either.