GAH--This is all so friggen emotionally charged!

CaptainSerious

Peru does not allow siblings to be separated through adoption, which is a policy we wholly support.  Here's the sticky situation:

When we started looking at the waiting list, there was a sibling group of two children that piqued our interest:  two boys, in our age range, the younger of which had some motor delays.  Within a month or so, we realized that they actually had another brother who was not listed with them, but on the disabled list, because he had cerebral palsy.  If I remember correctly, the third brother was listed as living in a different home than the other two.  The situation was beyond what we believed to be our parenting abilities, and we agreed not to ask to parent the boys.

Fast forward to last month, when we saw that a family had proposed to adopt the two brothers who we first considered, and offer financial support to the third.  We felt very conflicted by this new information.  First, we didn?t know this was a possibility.  We would never want to separate siblings, but it was unclear if these boys ever knew one another (if they were truly living in different orphanages).  Also, we knew the odds were stacked against the boys all being adopted together, given the scope of their needs.  If we knew it was a possibility, we would have seriously considered adopting the two brothers we initially learned about and supporting the third?provided they did not have an existing relationship (if they did and/or had the possibility of visits, we would never want to separate them).  It just seemed like it could be a positive solution.  My husband harbored some concerns about the arrangement, but it was something that we would have discussed and considered.  Of course, we didn?t want to ?compete? with the other family to see who was allowed to parent the boys, but we felt undermined because we didn?t even know it was a possibility.

So, we asked our agency to look into the situation.  Today I found out that the authorities have put the other family?s request on hold because there is another sibling?a 2 year old girl?who is expected to be declared abandoned and available for adoption in the coming months.  According to our in-country lawyer, the authorities would seriously be interested in and consider a request to parent the three more healthy siblings with support for the fourth.

GAH!  I know that we would really be stretched to take in three siblings at once.  I just don?t think it?s a possibility if one of those siblings has special needs.  I so badly want to be able to open our home and family to them, but it?s just out our capabilities.  I just wish I could offer them the home they so desperately need, but I know we can?t.  It?s crushing.

silliestbunny

Sleep on it, CS.

Yes, it's responsible to only do what you can do, but sometimes what seems impossible is actually possible (how's that for run-on). 

You are a smart woman who makes smart choices (I've seen it here).  You'll know what's right.  And like all decisions, once it is made, you'll feel okay about it.  It's the uncertainty that's hard to manage.

 Take care...and keep us up to date

crystalpopcorn

I agree you should sleep on it. I don't really have other advice, but wish you the best of luck. 

ksmeg78

I have had a similar issue (not the backstory, but feeling so drawn to a group of kids and not really being able to feel that we have enough to give to really do it right) and I know it's heart-breaking. I don't have any advice because I still just want, in my heart, to say, "Screw it, it will work", but at the same time I don't feel comfortable in my head taking that risk when I don't feel we have enough to give. So I can only offer empathy and well wishes. Good luck!

pinkwedding05

Hugs.  I can't look at waiting lists without trying to think of a way to bring each one of those kids into my home...and I'm not even HS approved.  I can't imagine how I would feel if I was actually ready to adopt.  You're situation will come, and if this is for you then it will all work out.  I'm sorry this can't be easier. 

CaptainSerious

Thanks, everyone.

My husband and I talked about it, and we are both in agreement that this would just be talking on too much at once.  The last thing we want is to sabotage our success by getting in over our heads right from the start.

K-state, you are so right on when you say "Screw it, it will work."  That's what we want to say so badly.

The thing is, it's not that we're sad that we have to wait for our child(ren) to come along.  A large part of it is that I'm not sure the other interested family will decide that they can take on this situation, given the fact that there's now another child to consider.  And I just fear that if they decide they can't, a family may not come along that can.  And it kills me to think that these kids might not find a family.

It really makes me wonder if our idea of what we can handle is based more on what we want to handle so that we can still preserve some of our standard/style of living.  And, although I know that's natural and okay, I feel conflicted by it.