Hello Sisters (long)

RFBsbride

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Hi Ladies,

I?ve had to take a few days off to compose myself and try to figure out where to go from here?. If anywhere.  It?s been a tough four days.  DH and I have had some very heated discussions about what has happened, what we?ve been through, how much more we?re willing to go through and what all this disappointment is doing to our relationship.  It?s a very scary place to be in and I never thought I would be here in all my life.

After receiving the news on Friday that I was not pg, I was pretty much inconsolable for a hours.  The last time I felt sadness like that was when my brother passed away 6 years ago.  I just kept thinking about all the time, money, and emotion DH and I had invested in this third DE cycle and it was all for nothing.  I thought about how I did everything I was supposed to; I did POM juice, pineapple core, acupuncture, all my meds at the EXACT same time everyday, 48 hours of bedrest after ET and it still didn?t work.  Then, as if something else took over my body, I went into a rage ? gotta love that Irish temper!  I tore through my house and threw away absolutely anything that was baby related: I threw out all my medications, my St. Gerard necklace, prayer and handkerchief, I threw out all of my friends? birth announcements, I threw out a onesie I was saving for my cousin?s baby, and I threw out two baby shower invites I had hanging on my fridge.  I had to put away my Willowtree Angles of hope and miracles because I just couldn?t look at them.

This morning, that dirty whore AF showed up with vengeance.  I also had my WTF appointment this morning and I certainly see why it?s called a WTF appointment.  We drove two hours just to have my RE say ?I don?t know why this happened.  Sometimes it just doesn?t work.?  Yeah, thanks.

DH and I are now trying to figure out if we should move ahead with a FET now or wait a few months.  If we do it now and it actually works, my due date would be one month before I am the MoH for my BFF?s wedding.  If we wait, I would want to wait until February or March and that way if it works, I will only be 4-5 months pg at my friend?s wedding.  DH isn?t sure I can emotionally handle another cycle so soon, but I feel that we?ve got the momentum, we might as well move forward.  If a FET doesn?t work, it would be the last nail in the coffin and our IVF days would be over.

The only good thing I found out today is our second donor cycle is not counted as a strike against our insurance since we never got to the retrieval phase.  We always thought that once injectables were started, it counted as an attempt.  At the advice of my RE?s financial coordinator, I called our insurance and found we have one attempt left.

So, I know I missed a lot of BFPs over the past few days and I want to wish all of you a hearty CONGRATULATIONS!  You all deserve the best.  I also know I?ve missed a few BFNs and I?m so sorry.  This whole IVF nonsense is horrible and unfair and no one deserves the sadness that goes along with a BFN.

And finally, I have been keeping up with the horrible tragedy of losing sweet baby Annaleigh.  My heart goes out to poor Brooke and Joe and their whole family as they grieve the loss of their beautiful baby girl.  She will always be in our hearts.

Dragonfly1226

I am so, so sorry that this is happening to you. I wish I had some explanation or words of wisdom. The truth is it sucks, and it's not fair. I'm so glad to hear that you're planning to go ahead with the FET. I truly hope that you and your dh get the BFP you deserve. (((((HUGS)))))

madelyn07

I am so sorry for all that you have been through. Wishing you the best of luck in making your decision and I hope you will soon get your much deserved BFP.

ginger67

Im so sorry for what you are going through. Theres no worse feeling then a negative beta after all the stress,hope and $ poured into it. I was wondering if you had frozen and Im thrilled that you do. GL with your FET!

momma mimi

I am sorry for your BFN. This is so unfair. I hope and pray that your last DE round will give you your BFP. Good luck making your decision as to when you want to start your next cycle. Hugs to you.

lnle

((hugs)) to you RFB. I'm sorry it's been such a dark time for you.

I think only you can know when you're ready for an FET - after my failed IVF #1 and even after my first m/c I wanted to jump right back on the horse right away. But after my second m/c I really needed a break. Take some time to think about it, and find out how long an FET cycle takes (at my clinic it's longer than a fresh cycle).

And I'm so glad that you have another donor attempt covered by insurance! That is GREAT news!

hang in there, sweetie.

Me&Mr.T

I am so so sorry sweetie. My heart is breaking for you. I am praying so hard that the FET will work. My only advice is to not plan around someone's wedding. A baby is so much more important to you and your friend will understand that. FWIW, my MOH was 9 months pregnant at my wedding and delivered 3 days later. If she went in to labor and couldn't be at my wedding, I had a plan to put flowers on a stool at the alter where she would have stood. If she needed it while she was at the wedding, we had a chair that she could sit on. I would make my decision based solely on my emotions and DH's emotions. ((HUGS)) You really deserve a BFP. You really deserve to be a mommy. I'm sorry this cycle didn't work.

Mrs.Kiltlifter

I am so sorry.  It is totally understandable to react the way that you did.  IF is a game of injustice.  HUGS Girlie..... we are here for you!

hillaree

My heart just breaks for you. I am so sorry and wish you all the best in figuring out your next steps.

sourpop

I just had a really long response typed out and it got erased - arg!

I wanted to say how sorry I am that this didnt work out. Although our journies are different, your grieving sounds all too familiar. We put so much into our IVF cycle and when it failed - i just felt like my life was over.  I had my share of screaming, crying, kicking - I even ripped down this beautiful cross from our wall and threw it in the trash can (which DH dug out and put in storage). I was just so angry - and still get angry from time to time.

I wanted to give you a big (((HUG))) and wish you the best for your FET cycle whenever you choose to do it. 

tapgirl

I am so sorry you are going through such a tougth time.  If this feels like the right time to move forward for you, then go for it.  I actually would have liked to have waited a little longer after my m/c to cycle again.  I was an emotional wreck when we got started and all the way up to the 1st u/s.  I hope you and your DH find what is right for you.

I'm sending you hugs and wishing you good luck with your next step - whenever and whatever that is.

Echloe

I'm so sorry that you have had such a hard time.  I hate what this does to us.  It isn't fair.  

 

Oct14

I am so sorry! Take the time that you need in order to get yourself ready mentally! My thoughts are with you.

Tarahville

((hugs)) we're here for you no matter what.

gringa78

I'm just so sorry, sweetie.  IVF BFNs are particularly painful, I know.  Tough on you, tough on marriage, tough on hope.  Move through the process and hang in there...the hardest part is trying not to lose ourselves.

((HUGS))

DC+PittsburghBride

My thoughts truly go out to you. 

JFa

I have been so worried about you and sent you a message on facebook. I understand the rage....its not fair at all. I am so glad to see that your back....we are all here for you and you know you can get a hold of me anytime, ok. I wish there were something I could do to make it better. Big ((hugs).

cheekyali

It isn't fair that you are going through this. I would say not to plan anything around someone else's wedding. Do what is right for you and DH. If you can handle the FET right away, I think that is what I would do.

Temp590840000005378

Ugh, I'm so sorry!!! I feel like I have nothign to offer other than a big HUG!! Hang in there sweetie!!

lovemymonkey

oh sweetie, I got all teary-eyed reading your post. I just want to reach through the computer and hug you. (((((((hugs))))))

I'm glad you were able to get out all your anger and frustration. Sometimes I wish I had the energy to just throw stuff and kick things. I think it would feel so refreshing afterwards.

I'm much more low energy...I just curl up in bed, throw the covers over my head, and sleep. Maybe I should go home tonight and throw something. ;-)

Anyway, good luck with making a decision on what to do next. I'm thinking of you and your DH.

((((((hugs)))))

Jlynn3

I'm so so sorry.  No one should have to go thru this.

huge (((hugs))) 

igh0318

I wish this process didn't have to be so diffcult.  I'm glad to hear that you're working through it and talking about next steps.   

Sending you tons of (((hugs)).

 

vandelay

I'm so sorry for your BFN.  My heart just breaks for you; I so wanted your cycle to work.  I'm glad you are going ahead with your FET, and that you have another attempt left on your insurance.  You deserve for this to WORK, dammit!

theworms

I'm so sorry  

I hate that it didn't work! 

I'm glad you have another shot and GL with next steps.  We're all here for you and pulling for you.

(((HUGS)))

close2it

I'm so, so sorry! It's unfair how much IF turns your life upside down.  Wishing you lots of luck during your decision process and in whatever it is you choose.  Hugs!

newsbaby

Life is so fricken unfair it is not even funny. I am so sorry. I hope you find peace some day soon.

EmptyOven25

IF is so unfair and awful, and it makes me miserable that wonderful women go through the pain and tribulations of IVF just to come up empty handed.  I am so, so sorry that this didn't work for you this time.  I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but I know I can't...I'm just so sad for you.

MAK06

I honestly thought about you a lot over the weekend and am glad to hear you a feeling a little better.  I cannot imagine the pain that it feels to go through something so exhausting as IVF only to have the result be a BFN.  I know how I feel with the failed IUI and the pain of fearing I will never be a mother and I know it must be so much worse for you.  My advice to you would be to go ahead with the FET if you are emotionally ready for it.  You shouldn't put your plans on hold for a wedding ... you deserve all the happiness in the world and deserve to be a Mommy.  I pray that the FET will work for you!

TandW

I'm so sorry that this is happening.  Man, this sucks!  Whatever you choose to do (either move forward w/ FET or wait till Feb.) please know that we all support you here.  GL!

psychmusetls

i'm sorry you're going through this hon... i think it's great that you are starting to plan your next move.  i'm wishing dh and you nothing but the best!

ChaynBill

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.  IF is so unfair and it absolutely sucks!  I wish you all the best.  Good luck with your next steps.