My Mother (vent & long)

LuckynTigger · August 2009

A little back story: I am my mother's 2nd child. My sis is 10yrs older and it was just the 2 of them for about 7yrs. (I am a product of the 2nd marriage). So of course they have a different relationship than my mother & I will ever have and I understand that. However, I am sick of being the only person to make an effort into either relationship (mom & sis).

I haven't talked to or seen either of them since around July 4th. I am going on the advise of my therapist and standing my ground becasue she is trying to get me to stand up for myself and not let people walk all over me.

I got together w/ my bff over the wkend to help her w/ wedding stuff and we got talking. Last time she saw my mother, she asked my bff if she has seen or talked to me and she said yes but she knows I have been busy. My mother decides to start in on how she hasn't talked to me, so my bff said, Why don't you call her. My mother's reply was "Well, I am her mother." So I guess that is her excuse to not call me but mind you that she and my sis talk everyday and most of it is initiated my mother. Go figure, right.

Then my mother proceeded to tell my bff that she feels that ' I do nothing but obsess over our IF and that is all I ever think about and I have taken it too far by not coming around my family (I have a very pg cousin's wife that I choose not to see). And she thinks that I should STOP all treatments. Also, keep in mind that my mother isn't speaking to most of her family either.

So at this point I am beyond pissed off because what business is it of hers to decide what I should and shouldn't do about my IF issues. Even if she is against everything that we do she shouldn't be telling everyone about it. This is something that DH and I have agreed to do so that we can have a family.

I plan on talking to my therapist tonight and see what she thinks I should do. Any advise???? Do you think that I should confront her or just let it go and see what happens? If I stand back and say nothing, this not speaking is going to keep going. But then again if I do say something and get everything out in the open, I am running the risk of loosing a lot more than one relationship. If you have stayed with me this long.....Thanks!!!!!!!

Melissa

LuckynTigger · August 2009

I forgot to put SAIFW

MontyMrs · August 2009

This may not be what you want to hear, but the big problem I see in your description is the lack of communication between the two of you. First, you can't get too upset over second hand comments because things get lost in translation. Secondly, you're talking to everyone about your feelings about your mom (us,bff, your therapist)but your mom. Someone needs to make the first step and open the lines of communication, I know it can be hard especially if you both have developed a patten of waiting for the other to call. I think you should take the first step and try and talk openly about how you're feeling and see how it goes. It may take a while to get on the same page but it's worth a little effort on your part, her opinions obviously matter to you very much. Good luck

theworms · August 2009

(((HUGS)))

Family is nuts sometimes My mom is the same way -she's the mom and thinks it is my job to call her. She actually just complained to DH about me not calling her this weekend.

She should not be talking to anyone about your IF issues and you need to decide with Ben what you are willing to do to have a family.

I think you should say something when you're calm to your mom about how you feel. It doesn't need to be anything but mom, i know you care about me and are worried about me but Ben and I need to make choices that make sense to us and may not make sense to you.

People just don't get it.

renafaith · August 2009

I would confront her, just to make sure your bff got the story straight and everything in context. If that's the case, I would ask her not to discuss your IF issues with anyone and tell her if you want to be obsessed with it, then that's your business. I don't have a very good relationship with my mother either (she forbid me to marry my husband), but now that it's baby-making time, she's all in my business.

Which brings me to my next point: I've never ever heard of a potential grandmother not supporting fertility treatments. So, that's weird to me. But, what you decide to do is none of her business. That is between you and your husband.

theworms · August 2009

MontyMrs:
This may not be what you want to hear, but the big problem I see in your description is the lack of communication between the two of you. First, you can't get too upset over second hand comments because things get lost in translation. Secondly, you're talking to everyone about your feelings about your mom (us,bff, your therapist)but your mom. Someone needs to make the first step and open the lines of communication, I know it can be hard especially if you both have developed a patten of waiting for the other to call. I think you should take the first step and try and talk openly about how you're feeling and see how it goes. It may take a while to get on the same page but it's worth a little effort on your part, her opinions obviously matter to you very much. Good luck

this is good advice Monty

Mine is tainted by me and my mom's rocky relationship

LuckynTigger · August 2009

MontyMrs:
This may not be what you want to hear, but the big problem I see in your description is the lack of communication between the two of you. First, you can't get too upset over second hand comments because things get lost in translation. Secondly, you're talking to everyone about your feelings about your mom (us,bff, your therapist)but your mom. Someone needs to make the first step and open the lines of communication, I know it can be hard especially if you both have developed a patten of waiting for the other to call. I think you should take the first step and try and talk openly about how you're feeling and see how it goes. It may take a while to get on the same page but it's worth a little effort on your part, her opinions obviously matter to you very much. Good luck

I know that is our biggest problem. But here lies another

LuckynTigger · August 2009

MontyMrs:
This may not be what you want to hear, but the big problem I see in your description is the lack of communication between the two of you. First, you can't get too upset over second hand comments because things get lost in translation. Secondly, you're talking to everyone about your feelings about your mom (us,bff, your therapist)but your mom. Someone needs to make the first step and open the lines of communication, I know it can be hard especially if you both have developed a patten of waiting for the other to call. I think you should take the first step and try and talk openly about how you're feeling and see how it goes. It may take a while to get on the same page but it's worth a little effort on your part, her opinions obviously matter to you very much. Good luck

I know that is our biggest problem. But here lies another

MontyMrs · August 2009

theworms:
MontyMrs:
This may not be what you want to hear, but the big problem I see in your description is the lack of communication between the two of you. First, you can't get too upset over second hand comments because things get lost in translation. Secondly, you're talking to everyone about your feelings about your mom (us,bff, your therapist)but your mom. Someone needs to make the first step and open the lines of communication, I know it can be hard especially if you both have developed a patten of waiting for the other to call. I think you should take the first step and try and talk openly about how you're feeling and see how it goes. It may take a while to get on the same page but it's worth a little effort on your part, her opinions obviously matter to you very much. Good luck

this is good advice Monty

Mine is tainted by me and my mom's rocky relationship

to be honest, mine is tainted because mine is deceased. If I could go back, I'd have been much less stubborn when we disagreed.

LuckynTigger · August 2009

MontyMrs:
This may not be what you want to hear, but the big problem I see in your description is the lack of communication between the two of you. First, you can't get too upset over second hand comments because things get lost in translation. Secondly, you're talking to everyone about your feelings about your mom (us,bff, your therapist)but your mom. Someone needs to make the first step and open the lines of communication, I know it can be hard especially if you both have developed a patten of waiting for the other to call. I think you should take the first step and try and talk openly about how you're feeling and see how it goes. It may take a while to get on the same page but it's worth a little effort on your part, her opinions obviously matter to you very much. Good luck

I know that is a huge problem but here lies another problem with talking to her. She loves to run back and tell my sister EVERYTHING. I could tell her to please keep it between us and she never does. That is another one of the biggest reason I haven't talked to her about any of this.

I am willing to try one last time but I am not willing to keep running to her to try and fix our broken relationship. In my opinion, if there are 2 people in any relationship then both of those people need to be willing to work at it. I have been up until now because I never see any effort on her part.

LuckynTigger · August 2009

MontyMrs:
theworms:

MontyMrs:
This may not be what you want to hear, but the big problem I see in your description is the lack of communication between the two of you. First, you can't get too upset over second hand comments because things get lost in translation. Secondly, you're talking to everyone about your feelings about your mom (us,bff, your therapist)but your mom. Someone needs to make the first step and open the lines of communication, I know it can be hard especially if you both have developed a patten of waiting for the other to call. I think you should take the first step and try and talk openly about how you're feeling and see how it goes. It may take a while to get on the same page but it's worth a little effort on your part, her opinions obviously matter to you very much. Good luck

this is good advice Monty

Mine is tainted by me and my mom's rocky relationship

to be honest, mine is tainted because mine is deceased. If I could go back, I'd have been much less stubborn when we disagreed.

That is why I am trying to figure out how to fix the issues. I don't want to look back and wonder "what if I would have just stepped out that last time to work things out"

MontyMrs · August 2009

LuckynTigger:
MontyMrs:
theworms:

MontyMrs:
This may not be what you want to hear, but the big problem I see in your description is the lack of communication between the two of you. First, you can't get too upset over second hand comments because things get lost in translation. Secondly, you're talking to everyone about your feelings about your mom (us,bff, your therapist)but your mom. Someone needs to make the first step and open the lines of communication, I know it can be hard especially if you both have developed a patten of waiting for the other to call. I think you should take the first step and try and talk openly about how you're feeling and see how it goes. It may take a while to get on the same page but it's worth a little effort on your part, her opinions obviously matter to you very much. Good luck
this is good advice Monty
Mine is tainted by me and my mom's rocky relationship
to be honest, mine is tainted because mine is deceased. If I could go back, I'd have been much less stubborn when we disagreed.
That is why I am trying to figure out how to fix the issues.? I don't want to look back and wonder "what if I would have just stepped out that last time to work things out"

I think you're doing the right thing by trying to figure out a common ground, I do agree that her speaking about your IF issues to others and not to you is inappropriate and hurtful. ?I know these things aren't easy and sometimes family disagreements are the hardest to deal with because they carry the most weight. ?I hope you can work things out with her, but if you don't at least you'll know you tried and you can feel good about that. ?

?