When and How?

FinallyMrs.G

DH and I have been discussing how we will tell our child about his/her adoption.  We aren't exactly agreeing on the subject of when and how. You'd think we'd be past this by now but we really have been so wrapped up in the homestudy and profile book it never really came up until today.  Would like others thoughts on the subject. TIA

Sally J

It's just part of who she is.  We don't sit her down and explicitly tell her the adoption story, but we look at pictures of her birth mom and bring it up then.  We watch shows and read books that have adoption themes.  It's just part of our family dialogue.  We've done this since day 1.

GLynn2009

Sally J:

It's just part of who she is.  We don't sit her down and explicitly tell her the adoption story, but we look at pictures of her birth mom and bring it up then.  We watch shows and read books that have adoption themes.  It's just part of our family dialogue.  We've done this since day 1.

This is our plan.

-Stephanie-

Sally J:

It's just part of who she is.  We don't sit her down and explicitly tell her the adoption story, but we look at pictures of her birth mom and bring it up then.  We watch shows and read books that have adoption themes.  It's just part of our family dialogue.  We've done this since day 1.

This.  

FinallyMrs.G

Sally J:

It's just part of who she is.  We don't sit her down and explicitly tell her the adoption story, but we look at pictures of her birth mom and bring it up then.  We watch shows and read books that have adoption themes.  It's just part of our family dialogue.  We've done this since day 1.

FinallyMrs.G

Oops! I hit enter before typing my response above.  Sally~exactly what I want to do. I can't convince DH this is the way to go. He thinks it will confuse them at a young age. I have done a lot of research and talked to a lot of people and I just think this is the best way.  It's freaking me out that we haven't came to an agreement on this subject.

CaptainSerious

How does he think it will confuse him/her?

It's common that your child will understand his/her story in stages.  First, he'll know he's adopted, but won't really understand what that means.  He'll tell people he has two mommies (and maybe daddies), but it won't really mean much.  As he gets older, different parts of it will start to make sense to him.  He might struggle with the realities of these new, deeper understandings--but that's why adoption is part of his story and not just an event in his past.  It's something that he may (or may not) deal with repeatedly throughout life.

I truly believe that a lot of the "angry adoptee" groups formed because of the closed-adoption era.  When people weren't told about their adoption up front, and "found out" about it later in life, it crammed that whole, life-long discovery process in one event.  It also often leads the adoptee to believe that there is something shameful about being adopted.

Maybe knowing, more specifically, what your husband is concerned about will help you address his concerns?  Maybe you could help him come around to the idea of being open about the adoption from the start if you provide him with some of the evidence as to why it's better/easier for your child that way?

FinallyMrs.G

He says they will be too young to understand until they are school aged. I know this isn't true but he is sticking to his guns at this point and just wants to have a sit down discussion with them at some point.  I will not go for that! This is something we will need to agree on obviously. I have a book recommendation from a friend of mine that has adopted, I can't remember what it is now but I will be getting it. Just another bump in the road.....

CaptainSerious

I agree exactly with Fred.

Your child won't understand what being adopted means--and that's okay.  But he also won't be confused by the fact that he's adopted at a young age, because it will always be his normal.  And by establishing an open line of communication on this subject, he'll feel free and comfortable to bring any questions that crop up about it as he ages.

FinallyMrs.G

I completely agree 100%. Good way of explaining it Fred!

LadyRed7

GLynn2008:

Sally J:

It's just part of who she is.  We don't sit her down and explicitly tell her the adoption story, but we look at pictures of her birth mom and bring it up then.  We watch shows and read books that have adoption themes.  It's just part of our family dialogue.  We've done this since day 1.

This is our plan.

Sally said it so well.

Our agency encourages us to talk about it from Day1. They have told us it is easier to start, because they are so little, we can start talking about it in a comforting way and get our dialogue down for when they can comprehend. 

DH was adopted by his step-dad and he didn't find out until he was 14. It was an awful experience for him, so we have always been on the same page from the time we decided to adopt.

 

CaptainSerious

I was just on Amazon looking for something else, and I came across this book.  I don't know if it talks about when to tell a child, but it seems to at least address the how.

https://www.amazon.com/Communicating-Adopted-Child-D-S-W-Miriam/dp/059509127X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1251147560&sr=1-2

 

FinallyMrs.G

I'm ordering it! Thank you so much.