time out?

melsie

DD is 19 months and started into the terrible two's shortly after her first birthday. She has been a willful child (to be nice about it) and throws more than her share of temper tantrums each day.

lately she's been hitting, pinching, scratching and throwing things in frustration before she melts down. 

I've tried stopping her and calmly telling her that doing X is no thank you and it is ouch to hit/pink/throw things at people. but she just fights back and then yells at me. 

i talked to a family therapist friend who said it might be time to start time out for her. sitting her in one place that is safe and not normally used for "fun" and making her sit there alone for a few minutes. 

how in the world do you get a tantrum throwing kid to sit in one place? or do you try to get them into time-out before the tantrum starts? how long do you make them sit there? do you sit with them at first? and how do you keep them there? 

thanks so much.  

bklynbridecesh

Hi there-

I'm a school psychologist...here are some tips.  We began time-outs with our DD at 12 months. 

First you need to help her use her words to express her feelings like, modeling for her "Help me", or "I'm mad".  Also ask her what she wants prior to escalating behavior, and reinforce her use of words, by figuring out what she wants/needs, and meeting them.  Also make sure she is getting enough sleep, and catch her being good throughout the day by saying things like, "I like the way you are reading your book and sitting nicely on your bottom!!!" 

When she hits, it is unacceptable.  Get down to her level, and tell her in a firm calm voice, "There is no hitting.  Try to tell her what she can do, rather than  what she can't throughout the day.  "You can hit a pillow, etc, if your mad, but we do not hit in this house."  Model hitting a pillow and saying "I'm mad".  Then tell her "If you hit again you are going to time out". 

Time out is a separate area where the child gets no attention and it is a place not normally associated with fun or stimulation.  We have a little stool by the refrigerator.   Put on a timer.  She should get one minute per year.   Or DD goes to time out now for 2 minutes. 

 If she hits again, say "no hitting!, time out!"  and put her in the time out area, set the timer and walk away.  If she has trouble staying there, hold her there, say "you are in time out", but try not to look at her, have any further conversation,  and remain calm.  She'll eventually get it.  When the time is up, come over to her, get down to her level and state "You were put into time out because you hit mama.  We do not hit in this house.  You can ask for help, or hit a pillow, but you can never hit anyone.  You may now get up and go play." 

Just remember, consistency is key.  You have to follow through, and don't make idle threats.  Her behavior will get worse before it gets better, but hang in there.  Good Luck!

Jelliebean1982

I'd try seeing if you can reduce the temper tantrums before they start.  DD is a very strong willed child too.  OMG she has opinions!  I was at my wits end and I picked up a copy of "Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood".  Seriously, we were doing t/o multiple times a day but it seemed to only make things worse.  Once I started to implement the techniques in this book we simply did not have tantrums anymore.  I can count on my hand the number of times we've had to put her in t/o since we started using this method.  It's been months with no problems. 

 

The basic premise of the book is that this stage of a child's development is about building independence.  However, as parents we often need to get our child to do things (like get in the carseat or put clothes on).  Our child usually has zero choices during the day so in order to assert their independence they start having power struggles (temper tantrums).  The book advocates giving your child choices throughout the day so that they feel in control and ultimately you have more control when you need it.  

 

During a typical day my child will get a choice between two things that are both fine with me.  She can pick between two shirts.  She can choose to sit on the big potty or little potty.  She can choose to have peas or corn as her vegetable.  She can choose to climb in the carseat or have mommy do it.  I offer her a choice with almost everything now.  And the times when she tries to do something else it's not a power struggle anymore.  She has made so many decisions throughout the day that she simply does not need to throw tantrums anymore to assert her independence.  My house is a much nicer place now.  Try it out and see if it works for you!

DevonPow

When DS has a temper tantrum we just have him go to his room. I personally don't think for a temper tantrum he needs to be in a place with no toys, etc., and his room is a secure place for him so it works well. Also, his bear blankie that he sleeps with is in there (he sucks on it to sleep so the rule is that bear "lives" in his crib and doesn't come out, kind of like for a paci). The first few times we did it he came out, but I just put him back in his room and then he stayed on his own - he picked it up very quickly. He stays in there until he calms down - could be 30 seconds, could be 30 minutes. When he is done if he wants to stay in his room and play (which occassionally he does) that is cool as well.

This has worked very well for us - he feels safe in his room, it is childproofed so I don't need to keep an eye on him, etc etc. When he is done he now says "I'm calm now!" and runs out to keep playing.

If we are out in public and he has a tantrum, we leave. Or, I put him in his stroller and take him to a quiet place until he calms down. A few times when he has had a tantrum in public he has started saying, "I need to go to my room and get bear so I can calm down!!!!" LOL. His tantrums have also dropped off DRAMATICALLY in the past month or so, but I am guessing that is more about the age.

FWIW we adapeted our method from "1-2-3 Magic", which has been a very effective discipline book for us.

neverblushed

Hi there --

You have gotten some great advice in the responses so far.  I am considered by my mommy-friends IRL to be a good disciplinarian, and I do not use time out.

I agree with the philosophy behind time outs, and I think that this method has gotten American families away from corporal punishment, which is ultimately a good thing.  However, I still don't use them for my kids because of the problem you mention in your post.  I did not want the issue of keeping a frustrated/angry child IN time out to muddy the original dilemma that caused the tantrum.  I know a woman who spent three hours one day trying to give her 3 year old son a 5 minute time out.  Clearly, time out was not working for her. 

I do, however, use the down-on-their-level, eyeball-to-eyeball, serious and direct talk mentioned by the school psychiatrist above.  I also take away toys, and I am very theatrical and dramatic when I discipline my kids.  I use tone of voice and body language to great effect, which helps me avoid yelling at them.

In your situation, especially if your child is hitting/biting/pinching/throwing and acting out physically, I would do the following:

MOM: Come on, we need to put down the blocks and get our shoes on.  We have to go to the grocery store.

CHILD: NO! (Hits Mom with a block.)

MOM: (firmly removes block from the child and puts it aside. Scoops up all other blocks quickly and efficiently, and puts them on a high shelf or other place away from the child, then returns to the child.  Takes child firmly by the hands and holds the child firmly but gently, facing mom.  Lowers voice to a deeper than normal tone and says in a firm, clear voice) NO HITTING PEOPLE!  It hurts and that's not okay!  I can never let you hit people.  Until you can stop yourself, I will have to stop you every time.  Everyone gets angry sometims.  If you are really angry, you can hit a pillow or stomp on the floor.  But no hitting.  Now your blocks will have to stay on the bookshelf until after lunch.  Bye-bye blocks we'll see you later when I am feeling better.

CHILD: goes into crying/tantrum mode, with lots of incoherent noise.

MOM:  I know.  It's no fun to hit someone and have your toys taken away.  But that's the choice you made.  Next time, I know you can hit a pillow instead of Mommy, and you will get to keep your blocks.  But this time you hit Mommy. 

This is the end of the conversation.  At this point, I let the child feel sad about the situation created by him/her.  I scoop him/her up and proceed to the grocery store.  If the child hits again, we go through this conversation again, taking away another toy if necessary (usually it's not.)

I also model safe and acceptable ways to vent angry feelings, and coach my kids to say "I'm SO angry!"  I also learned to watch my kids like a hawk in situations where I thought they would be prone to hitting or acting out physically when they were at this age.  If I saw them "in the windup" I would say, "Whoah!  Remember -- no hitting!  I see that you feel angry.  Here -- hit this pillow or use your words instead."  If the child successfully controlled the impulse to hit or managed to hit the pillow instead, I praised him/her heavily for being such a big girl/boy. 

Finally, when my children had whiny, fussy tantrums, I found that it was not effective to punish them for having a tantrum.  It just fed into the tantrum and rewarded this anti-social behavior with attention and drama.  Instead, I would say in a sweet and light voice, "I don't like the voice you're using.  When you are calm and nice, I will talk to you again."  Then I station myself nearby and make myself "busy" with some task that allows me to unobtrusively monitor my child's tantrum.  As long as they're not seriously in danger, I let them flail as much as they want. 

If you are regularly being hit/pinched/bitten by your two year old, you may need to have this type of scenario played out several times over the course of a few days.  Trust me, although your child will exhibit frustration on the outside, on the inside she will be LOVING the fact that you are helping her to control herself.  This is the major "job description" of two year olds, and if you can help her learn to stop herself from physical acting out, she will feel really confident!

HTH!