How would you feel? (LONG)

Erika6504

Background - my mom died 12/31/01.  At the time, my parents had been married just over 30 years.  My dad started dating my now step-mom a year after my mom's death.  That summer ('03) they got engaged and got married in Feb '04.  For reference, DH and I got married June, 5 2004 (hence the screenname).

When Hailey was born, my dad and step-mom decided that they would only refer to step-mom by her first name (Tina) and that's what Hailey would call her.  This was pretty much out of respect for my mom.  My step-mom, while I have accepted her, is not my mom and never will be.

So, fast-forward to last weekend.  I'm over at my dad's house with Hailey.  My dad and step-mom are sitting on the couch.  All of a sudden Hailey runs up to my step-mom and says "Mema, up please!"  We kind of looked at each other and were shocked at what Hailey had just said.  So, we asked her to say Tina, just to see if "Mema" is her interpretation.  Nope, she said Tina perfectly.  We asked her who step-mom was and she would say "Mema"  If we corrected her, she said "No Tina, MEMA!"

So, apparently Hailey has decided that Tina is now Mema and will not accept anything else.  My dad (who we always referred to as Grandpa) is Pappy.  She came up with this herself.  These are not the names that we call ILs either so I don't know where they are coming from.

I'm torn.  It hurts to see Hailey call my step-mom by a Grandmotherly name, but at the same time, I think it's sweet.  Honestly, I think I'm just sad that Hailey doesn't know my mom.  My dad and I talked about this the other day and we pretty much agree Hailey's the boss when it comes to this and we're not going to change what she wants to call her.

My co-worker said that it's stupid that Tina wouldn't have a Grandmotherly name b/c she's acting in that capacity.  But...well....I don't know......

Mysterious_wife

I think your emotions are running high.  Honestly, it is just a name.  My child calls all of her steps by a grandparent name.  My dad's ex-wife even has a name. Grangie.  She will never be your mother, you know that and so does Tina.  She will always be something to your child, though.

Erika6504

Mysterious_wife:

I think your emotions are running high.  Honestly, it is just a name.  My child calls all of her steps by a grandparent name.  My dad's ex-wife even has a name. Grangie.  She will never be your mother, you know that and so does Tina.  She will always be something to your child, though.

That's kind of what I thought which is why I'm not really trying to change it.  I think it's just hard, you know?

I think it's hard on my dad too.  When we were talking about it yesterday we were both crying on the phone. 

Mysterious_wife

I know it has to be hard.  I personally have never been in your situation, but have very dear friends that have.  I know it is hard raising my child without my grandparents, I could never imagine doing it without my mother.  Tina, may feel more welcomed now.  It could be that one thing that makes her feel apart of the family.  The situation itself is a hard one for both sides.  I am sure your mother would feel honored to have a person take care of her grandchildren the way your SM is doing so. 

May524

I can't imagine how it feels to lose a parent. I'm very sorry for your loss.  I don't have the right words to say, but I can understand you being upset/emotional over this.

acppa

I totally get where you're coming from.  

I wouldn't pay attention to your co-worker.  Yes, she's acting in that capacity but it's a respect for your mother, and her memory, that you are honoring.   

I think it's best that you decided to let Hailey be the boss.  If that's how she sees your step-mother then I wouldn't try to change that relationship for her. 

If it were me in this situation I would probably internally cringe when LO called step-mom that name but let them do it.  

My mom died 3 years ago (8/17/06).  When DS was born my step-mom wanted to be referred to by a grandmotherly name (my dad brought this up to me).  I settled for DS calling her Grammy Linda.  My niece calls her Linda.  

WeAreSmalls

My mom passed away in 1996.My parents were still married at the time- had been for 27 years.  My first niece was born in 1999. My dad and his now wife were not even married yet when niece was born (they were living together) and my dad referred to her as grandma. Since then she has been grandma (or some version of that). It was really hard at first. I know my brother didn't like it but we all kind of went along with it. By the time my daughter was born 2 years ago, it made sense to call dad's wife grandma. She is part of the family and that is the role she is playing in the kids' lives.

I guess we just have to remember that our dads' new wives are not replacing our moms and they do deserve to be accepted as part of the family.

 My brother and his wife often talk about my mom, show pictures to their kids, etc so they have always known who she is. I named my DD after my mom. I think part of it was so there would always be a connection between the 2 of them even though she never knew her. Plus, in the future when DD asks why I named her Lynn I will have a great opportunity to tell her about my mom.

jen5-03

I think it has to be incredibly painful for you because it's a reminder that your mom isn't here anymore.

But what would you mom want? I'm sure she'd want her grandaughter to have all the love and affection that she deserves.... even if that's from a step-grandmother.

jlw2505

I think this has a lot more to do with your feelings on your mom not being there than on your step-mom being a grandmother to your child.  Your child doesn't know any different.  I don't have a relationship with my biological father and my mom got remarried when I was a senior in HS.  My step dad has always been Jack and the kids call him Grandpa or Grandpa Jack.  My mom has always been grandma.  He is grandpa to them and that is what matters.  I really don't think this is a big deal in the sense of the title but it is an emotional issue for you - very different and I am sure everyone totally understands and as your child grows, you will tell her all about your mom and show her pictures and she will learn all about her from you and even from your Dad I'm guessing.