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Adoption
Dr.Loretta
member
HTTh: Soliciting donations for adoption
Dr.Loretta
member
in Adoption
DH has a relative who adopted recently. At the beginning of the year they sent letters to some family (not us) outlining how much the adoption fees were and soliciting donations, as well as stating they were selling things.
Their baby shower is next month. The invite included an insert stating where they were registered, but in lieu of gifts there would be a table to accept monetary contributions to the adoption.
Thoughts?
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Re: HTTh: Soliciting donations for adoption
Confession: H and I may be hitting up the National Bank of Mom and Dad for a loan (as in, to be repaid with interest), and I have a side MLM business whose paltry proceeds I make no secret, go to adoption fees.
However, I personally wouldn't be comfortable asking extended family to help us pay for the adoption. If someone asks me what I want for Xmas, the answer is "money to put aside for the adoption fees." However, adoption is our choice, therefore our responsibility to pay for. If people want to contribute, I'll turn down nothing but my collar, but actively soliciting donations is flat-out rude.
I'm confused. If they don't have the $$ for the adoption fees yet, then they must not be close to bringing a baby home, so why are they having a baby shower?
"I'm registered here, but just gimme the cash" sounds like a thinly veiled, double gift grab. IMO.
To each his own I guess?
But definitely not my style, but hey I also thinking asking for money for a wedding gift is tacky.
They brought the baby home already. This is a post-placement baby shower. So maybe they're paying off an adoption-related loan? I'm not sure, this is all the detail I have.
totally not my style.
There are plenty of expensive things in life that we choose to do, and don't ask for money to help fund. (cars, homes, kitchen upgrades, etc...)
This is our choice to adopt, just like our choice to do anything else that costs an arm and a leg, but we'll take care of it.
Well, I wouldn't be comfortable sending a letter to family asking for money. My parents did offer to loan us a portion of it and we've already paid them back.
As far as the insert about a table for money...
wow.
I can see how they would want money, but that's going a step or two to far in my opinion.
This is different though W. My parents offered too, and if we did take them up on it, we would pay them back...with interest just as we would a bank.
This is absolutely the tackiest thing ever. Again, I understand the expense that goes along with adoption, but actually drawing up and itemized list to show people and telling people where you're registered and that they would like you to give them cash? This is just never okay.
A person who did that for a regular baby shower would be absolutely crucified. If you wish to some monetary help to someone who is adopting, that is wonderful. However, I just think hitting up your family/friends for cash is just about the tackiest thing one can possibly do. Asking your parents if you know they are financially able? That kind of gets a pass, but anyone beyond that? Yeah, that leaves a really bad taste in my mouth... doing it in such a blatant way? I am almost speechless.
I saw this on MM the other day. Blew my mind!
Personally, I'd rather stand at an entrance ramp to the Dan Ryan and shake a cup for spare change than hit up my family (not inclusive of the money Mom practically forced upon me after receiving an inheritance, which I never would have asked for).
I was reluctant to allow my colleagues to have a "welcome home" party for #2, because I feel weird about showers for 2nd children.
Building my family through adoption was my choice. I wouldn't ask anyone to fund my baby any more than I would a new car.
Gotcha. Um, IDK... maybe if I ever get a master's, I'll set up a "help me pay back my student loans" money collecting table at my grad party? LOL.
I would not do that. I would be less inclide to give to someone who did that also.
I am going to offer a different viewpoint--not right or wrong ... just different.
Some people (such as Christians) may see adoption as a ministry or outreach. Taking in an orphan to be their own for a lifetime of commitment. The Bible says: "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." --James 1:27
Now, if someone is coming into adoption with this viewpoint, perhaps he/she has a different world view. Many Christians go on short-term mission trips and send out letters to friends and family to raise prayer and financial support. It is part of it. And Christians support other Christians who are going out on mission trips. Just like full-time missionaries rely on their living expenses to be supplied by God through the Church (the Church being other Christians who support said missionairies).
So maybe that is where they are coming from. If it takes someone asking for money from their friends and family to get a child out of an orphanage or a desperate situation, then so be it. I could see it, perhaps, as a way that people can help and tangibly be involved in the process.
Now, having said that, would I be comfortable doing it? Probably not. But I can see where folks might be coming from. ETA: I have, however, sent out letters to raise financial support for a short-term mission trip. And my sister and BIL are full-time missionaries who rely on the support of the Church for their living expenses. Many fellow Christians expect to help fund such mission trips and to support missionaries. Also, some may already expect to help finance a church member's adoption.
I may be alone in my thinking, but I do think it is very different than asking for monetary wedding gifts.
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I agree with kep.
We did send out a letter to friends/family requesting prayers and emotional support, but also letting them know how they could donate if they wanted to offer something financial (as many of them had been telling us while we were going through IF, that when we started the adoption process to let them know how they could donate). We also had a button on our blog and ran some small fundraisers. I am working a second full time job and we've given up a lot of necessities and are very lucky that we've been able to come up with 90% of the total that we need on our own and have been surprised by the IRS owning up to a mistake and sending us an additional refund.
I think that this issue is similar to others that depend on your region, religion, background, etc. In some areas of the country, it's normal and accepted to have cash bars at weddings or dollar dances. Would I ever do that? No. But it doesn't mean it's wrong. In my family and circle of friends growing up, it was normal for folks to support each other financially on mission trips, during harvest times (either through work, or if times are bad raising money to pay off the annual loans that people incur), if someone needs a washer/dryer or an electric bill paid...people would let their needs be known, knowing full well that down the road, they would have the opportunity to pay it forward.
Have we asked for assistance? Yes.
Do we plan to pay it forward? Absolutely. Our plan is to use a large portion of our adoption tax credits to pass along to other adoptive families who need assistance, in hopes that they would do the same thing when they receive their tax credit.
Just because you wouldn't do something or you think something is "tacky" doesn't mean that it is. It may be the norm in that person's circle. I don't think there is anything wrong with people helping people, and I think our society has moved so far away from that. It's now shameful to ask for help. Frankly, I would rather help someone pay their electric bill or purchase something they need, than donate to a Heart Walk or something similar. But I was also raised in a very small, Christian community where we would share whatever we had and vice versa. And maybe for most people, they have no intent to help other people out down the road, but I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt and would hope that all of you who think what I did is "tacky" would give me the benefit of the doubt knowing that my intention is pure and we are looking forward to the day that we can write a check to someone else to help them fully fund their dream.
Maybe I'm naive and idealistic, but I like to think that we don't always know what's going on in someone's life and we should give the benefit of the doubt rather than judge.
ETA: The shower thing isn't my style though, but maybe that's the norm where they're from.
I think that soliciting friends, family, and fellow churchgoers for assistance with your adoption is a wholly separate issue from sending out a shower/welcome-home party invite with registry and donation info included. It's an etiquette issue, plain and simple.
Sending a politely worded missive to your loved ones about your desire to build a family through adoption that includes a request for financial assistance because of the high cost is one's right. This should be at the discretion of the family involved and if anyone supports this, it is with the understanding that the family in question would be duly grateful. I agree with PP that many faiths support individual participants through all manner of financial needs and this is no different.
The inclusion of monetary gift requests and registry info is a breach of etiquette, no matter how you spin it, if the invite came from the family themselves. Per Emily Post:
Can the host include registry information in the shower invitation? Yes, it is fine for the hostess to include gift registry information with (but not on) the invitation. It?s important, though, to remember that it?s totally the guest?s choice as to gift selection.
If a relative or friend hosted the party, the inclusion of registry info is acceptable. I feel that monetary gift requests are always tacky - with the exception of a request for donations made to the charity of choice for the guest of honor.
Very well said! Couldn't agree more!
Also agree with this viewpoint! And Mrs. B's!
We haven't "asked" anyone for money and no one has offered a donation but our adoption fees are fairly smaller than most and the way our agency sets them up we will have the full payment of fees in time for the finalization of our adoption (and that's IF we get placed quickly). If we don't get placed quickly we'll just have that much more money to put back for our children.
But, if the letter was worded the right way I wouldn't see it as such a bad thing. Especially since it was sent to family --- if you can't be open with family, what has the world come to?
I do think that the invitation probably shouldn't have included there was going to be a table for donations. They could have just had one set up in a private spot for people to go over and donate if they felt the need.
I understand your point, esp if your family's religious beliefs encourage adoption so strongly. I'm just hoping that even in that case, that the solicitation was done with tact. ie, don't send a form letter to Mom's Cousin Debbie's Son Whatshisname that you've not seen since your baptism in 1976, KWIM?
While my family does not share your religious beliefs, and while H and I are definitely one of the most "well off" financially in my extended family, I personally don't think there IS a polite/respectful way to ask a loved one for a gift/loan aside from in person.
LOL that is great -- I can see them now ...
Woman : Honey you remember Uncle Harry right?
Man : No, isn't he the one that died 10 yrs ago?
Woman : No, but that was the last time we saw him. Make sure to put him on the mailing list too.
Haha that's great!
I personally think it's totally inappropriate. But I have to admit, I'd be there and likely donate. Is that hypocritical?
People have high expenses all the time for different things. I doubt a cancer victim would solicit money for their own treatments. I personally don't think anyone should ever solicit money for themselves.