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Adoption
SAH: thoughts, rambling.
effing bump ate my post.
Curious to know who is SAH or planning to SAH after their child's adoption is finalized? In our frustrating pursuit of SWs and psychs for an IA homestudy, we ran exclusively into people with VERY strong opinions about "the mommy wars." I'm disgusted at the unprofessionalism in a psychologist injecting their personal opinions into MY eval, but this is another post.
Maybe this is some wisdom I miss only having a BS, but IMO there is no "one size fits all" answer to the question of SAH vs. daycare. It's different for each family, and that decision is best made by the mom and dad, who are the key providers and who know the kids and family dynamic best.
Personally, I think that, esp with a child recently home from IA, that it's best for a child to have his/her mom at home. However, based on personal experience (of going from kid-with-siblings, to a long stint of only chld, back to kid-with siblings), I think it's also better for a child to have siblings than to be an only child. And in our current situation, either getting PG or adopting will cost us a few thousand dollars, which is more affordable with two incomes. In other words, I think a "temporary stint with a babysitter while Mommy goes to work to earn your siblings' adoption fees" is by far "the lesser of the two evils".
Of course, I'll be taking every second of mat leave I can get, and of course, my child would come BEFORE everything else priority-wise. H and I have agreed that I'll be definitely be home before the time our kids are in jr high and high school however. Just not likely "immediately and permanently from #1's Gotcha Day".
However, my husband may be up for promotion in 1-2 years, which could change our logistical/financial dynamics. In that case, my SAH would be at best possible and at worst necessary.
While we really like the SW who'll be doing our HS, he made it pretty clear that he won't approve our HS unless we both work outside the home. I found that a little strange - even if I didn't work and we had a child now, H makes enough in his present job that we'd be OK financially. Obviously, this kind of upsets me - I understand why I have no excuse to SAH now, but it makes me feel concerned that if I do SAH with our first child, we won't get approved to adopt a second. I guess I don't get his reasoning on this rule. Thoughts?
Anyone run into this? What's your family's experience and arrangement with regards "the mommy wars"?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: SAH: thoughts, rambling.
Curious to know who is SAH or planning to SAH after their child's adoption is finalized?
I'm taking a leave from my teaching job for this year. I would go back to school in the fall unless we decided we could manage another year somehow. Probably won't happen, though.
Maybe this is some wisdom I miss only having a BS, but IMO there is no "one size fits all" answer to the question of SAH vs. daycare.
I totally agree with you. Every family's needs are different.
While we really like the SW who'll be doing our HS, he made it pretty clear that he won't approve our HS unless we both work outside the home.
That's interesting. I wonder why...could you ask him to clarify it - maybe in an email so you would have it on record?
Anyone run into this? What's your family's experience and arrangement with regards "the mommy wars"?
I have found that most people are happy that I'm taking the year off but surprised when I tell them. We didn't get any flack from our SW one way or another; we just had to tell them upfront what our plan was.
Curious to know who is SAH or planning to SAH after their child's adoption is finalized?
I am back at work after taking 8 weeks to be home with DD after placement. She is in daycare less than a mile away from my office. DH's work schedule is also very flexible (he is a youth pastor) so its rare that she is there from 8-5.
Maybe this is some wisdom I miss only having a BS, but IMO there is no "one size fits all" answer to the question of SAH vs. daycare.
I totally agree with you. Every family's needs are different.<--exactly!
While we really like the SW who'll be doing our HS, he made it pretty clear that he won't approve our HS unless we both work outside the home.
I also find this very interesting! One agency we looked at (and liked!) wouldn't approve any couples unless the AM was SAH or took at least 1 year off from work.
Anyone run into this? What's your family's experience and arrangement with regards "the mommy wars"?
I have heard both sides. Part of me would love to SAH and I cherish every moment I was home with DD but I also think I function better with structure and routine that work offers which I think makes me a better person. Plus with both of us working we are able to provide a more comfortable lifestyle for our family and while money isn't everything, we want to be able to take trips with DD and have the flexibility to have options. Plus we want to be able to afford to adopt again in a couple years If we ever thought that my working had a negative impact on our family, we would find a way for me to SAH since our family is our first priority for the both of us.
I was home with both my sons for about 2 months after they came home at 8 and 11 months old. Frankly, it was all we could afford (I am the primary breadwinner). Both of them started daycare full time (40+ hours/week) after that. DS#1 is a much more introverted child and the transition was MUCH more difficult for him--he would have been great at home with me or with a nanny (couldn't afford).
DS#2 is really social and took to daycare right away. Being home with him would be difficult, as I would need to constantly be looking for playdates, activities, etc.
I love my job and have no desire to be a SAHM. Mommy wars be damned, but I didn't spend so much time, energy and money on an education to become a bitter betty pushing around toy cars. If I were told that I would HAVE to be a SAHM in order to have children, I might not have them. Working is THAT central to my identity.
illustrating my point perfectly... your fam is a classic eg of one in which a SAHM wouldn't work. I'm just the reverse of you in that respect. I do like my job once I filter through all the political BS, but unfortunately, everything central to my indentity costs money rather than generates income, LOL.
Did you ever read Kate Chopin's The Awakening in high school? Remember how Edna said she would give her life for her children, but not her self? That's me.
Thanks to those 70s bra-burners, I don't have to
Did you ever read Kate Chopin's The Awakening in high school? Remember how Edna said she would give her life for her children, but not her self? That's me.
Thanks to those 70s bra-burners, I don't have to
doSally, I must apologize. I didn't mean to imply that a father couldn't be an equal, loving caretaker. I worded that question as "R2D2-Family Centric"; given multiple different factors (H LOVES what he does and is awesome at it, whereas I "can deal" and do my job "just fine"; H makes a lot more money than I and is on track to promotion to manager, which I'm not; etc).
With an IA baby from an orphanage... yes, i do have some anxiety that placing her in daycare will cause her anxiety: "Uh-oh, my mom is leaving me in a room full of babies.... this scenario's awfully familiar... What if Mommy's not coming back?!"
Bad wording again. Maybe "Between not having children, and needing to earn $$ to pay for the adoption fees, I have no compelling reason to SAH now" would have said it better.
Not that there is anything wrong with being a childless stay at home spouse (if we could swing it, I'd be all over it), and being a wife IS a very important full-time job. Sadly, I live in a very careerist, materialist metro area (DC) where unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a lot of tolerance for childless SAH spouses. I am wondering if this cultural bias isn't where the "both of you have to work outside the home" rule comes from.
I think some journalist coined the phrase; basically it means "the debate about whether daycare or having a SAHM is better for a child". And sometimes, "the guilt moms feel about the road not taken regardless of the choice they've made." And on occasion, the "(percieved) conflict between working moms and SAHMs".
https://www.amazon.com/Mommy-Wars-Stay-at-Home-Choices-Families/dp/B000OI0G9I/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250784531&sr=8-2
Cuz, ya know, parenting IS one size fits all.
I feel like we can't find an adoption professional who doesn't let their personal biases rule their professional life, which I find very dissapointing and frustrating.
Thanks for clarifying. It always amazes me how just choosing a few different words can give a completely different meaning to a different person.
Seriously, huh? I'm sorry again... I didn't mean to insult your, or anyone else's, beautiful family. We cool?
Oh, you didn't insult me or my family! I just noticed that the post was focused on mommy wars and since our situation is more about daddy wars (ha, is that even a term?) I just wanted to add my perspective. It's sort of like helping people use positive adoption language that may not be aware of what they are saying.
We're definitely cool.
Curious to know who is SAH or planning to SAH after their child's adoption is finalized?
We both work and will continue unless DH starts school in Jan. Then I will work and he will go to school. DD will be in school/daycare either way. DD grandmother who is keeping her now as a FP will come for two weeks and stay in our home then we will will take off a week each and our mothers will take off a week each before she goes into daycare full time. DD will be in our home six weeks beforehand.
. Maybe this is some wisdom I miss only having a BS, but IMO there is no "one size fits all" answer to the question of SAH vs. daycare.
I totally agree with you. Every family's needs are different.
While we really like the SW who'll be doing our HS, he made it pretty clear that he won't approve our HS unless we both work outside the home.
That's interesting. I wonder why... We were asked to take longer and told our SW here and in Canada why we coun not and they were O.K. with our plan..
Anyone run into this? What's your family's experience and arrangement with regards "the mommy wars"?
Everyone seems to understand. I would love to SAH but it is more likely that DH could than I.
I'm currently working two jobs -- my regular day job and then a supplemental nanny job caring for a little girl who is severely and profoundly disabled in the evenings and on weekends, so that her parents can also spend time with their other children and she isn't stuck in her wheel chair all day long.
The plan is that once the baby arrives, I will quit my day job (notice has already been given) and I will just keep the other job so that I will spend most of the day with the baby and DH or a sitter will have her for a few hours some evenings and then on weekends when I work, DH is home.
I think what is good for every family is different.
I think that the key to the success of a child is not whether they have a stay at home parent but whether they have parents who are fully involved and invested in their children's lives.
There are plenty of kids did not succeed even though having a SAHP. If mom is off watching tv, internet surfing, eating bon bons, etc and dad is uninvolved - then it doesn't really matter if the parent was stay at home. KWIM?
I will say that I think it is more valuable to the child that the parent be SAH during their primary years as opposed to when they are in JH or HS. So if there was a decision to be made about which time period was 'better' than another to be a SAHP - purely from the child's interest then I would say the first 5 years since our personalities are basically shaped during that time period.
There is no true right answer. You have to do what is best for your family. I also believe that being a SAHP is very hard role - especially, for moms or dads that structure their entire life around being SAH. Even if you are SAH, I think sanity wise it is wise to have a babysitter on stand-by or consider enrolling your child a couple of days a week in daycare. It gives the parent a chance to join the world and the child an opportunity to play and bond with other children - even babies love being around other babies.
I am SAHM for the first four months of G's life, then I start back 1/2-3/4ths time but I will be working from home mostly, and we have a nanny for four days a week. I still get to be a part of the 'world', G gets to be in the comfort of his own home, and someone I trust will be taking good care of his needs when I can't.
I think the ideal situation, simply my own opinion of ideal, is for there to be a parent home part-time. You get part-time to make some money, stay in touch with the world - doing something for yourself, get to spend quality time with your LO and the LO gets to bond with other babies/children.
DO what is best for YOUR household and YOUR family. No one else can tell you what is best for your family. You can read research. You can take professional's opinions in. At the end of the day - part of being a parent is the hard choices that have to be made. We can't always be perfect and you can't spend forever and a day analyzing whether you made the right one or not.
You have run into some of the oddest beliefs and behaviors through your journey about divorces, medications, working vs sah. It is really odd.
A SWe does not approve or reject your HS. A SW reports on criteria about your family, background and life. In the HS report which you will generally read before it is signed and sent to the agency/state (though everything leading up to this point about your journey has been completely odd, so who knows) will simply provide the facts about your life. If you are both working then it will simply state that you are both working and plan to continue to work. If you are not working then it will state that. If the SW interjects too much of his own bias or opinion there is a good chance that 1) his supervisor who reads the report will ask that it be edited, 2) the agency themselves will ask him to edit it - as they generally receive a draft before it is signed too, 3) the agency and or judge may ignore his opinions which are off-the-wall.
What the SWer may state is that based on the 'evidence' of your financial information is that if you both do not work then s/he believes that you may not be able to support another child or the adoption costs associated with an adoption. If I remember right, your husband has at least one child from a previous marriage and therefore is most likely paying child support or other monies to his previous wife. Those expenses on top of your current household expenses - weighing in adoption may make the determination that your households does NEED both salaries. KWIM? However, again, the SWer IME does not generally analyze the finances but rather the agency.
Good luck!