HTT: Transracial adoption and "new friends"

Mrs.R2D2

We are a white couple considering transracial adoption (from India), and have been kind of perplexed by some of the advice we've come across (from professionals and from other adoptive parents):  that parents adopting transracially make more of an effort to befriend people of their child's race.  WDYT about this?

H and I personally believe that it's really crappy to befriend someone just because of their skin color.  We plan to teach our children to choose friends based on personality and character.  By chance (long before we considered adoption in some cases), we do have some close friends who are from various countries in Southeast Asia, who obviously will know our children.  None of these friends are anywhere near having their own children, though, so it's not like our child will have ready-made playmates of SE Asian descent waiting for them on Gotcha day.

I think what will happen is that we will attend Indian cultural events with our child(ren) sometimes, perhaps belong to an adoptive parents group if there is one in our town.  I'm sure we'll meet more people once our child comes home through her school, daycare, meeting her little friends' moms and dads, etc.  However, I'd feel kind of silly walking up to one of our Indian neighbors all, "Hey, let's make a playdate! We have an Indian baby too!", KWIM?

Or are people with our attitude potentially setting their kids up to feel like THE only brown kid?

ctbride08

I'm guessing that the advice you recieved was poorly worded, but in line with what you are already planning to do.  Not so much seeks out friends based solely on the color of their skin, but make an effort to not have your chid be the only brown face in sea of white.

We are hoping to foster/adopt and will likely be transracial - our biggest goal will be to provide our child with role models of every color and culture possible.

jacksjerseygirl

1. Befriending someone SIMPLY because of their color or ethnicity is wrong IMO

2. Purposefully seeking out play groups, support groups, or other groups that have cultural events specific to your family's ethnic/racial background is NOT wrong.

3. You may under-estimate the importance of having people in your child's life from day one who resemble them. While children do not understand color/race/ethnicity until 2-6 years of age. They do understand 'normal' and not normal from as early as 3 months of age. They learn to equate what they absorb on a daily basis as a norm - this is why when they do have a mental understanding of color/ethnicity they may mistakenly think they are the same as their parents - it is what they have normalized.

From our experience, I can tell you that we are much more acutely aware of race and the racial makeup of places we visit than at any other point in our life.

It's a balance. You need to be aware that it is a balance. You have to be willing to do what is best for your child - not always what feels comfortable to you personally - sometimes that might mean going out of your way to ask someone if they (perhaps being Indian) would like to have a play date with your child (for you - it may be solely because they are Indian and your child's exposure to them may be beneficial to your child but that doesn't mean you have to verbalize it).

Would I seek out a play date with a black family in our neighborhood because our son is black? Yep. No hesitation. That does NOT mean that I wouldn't seek out play dates with white people, chinese people, etc as well but it would not be for the same initial reason necessarily.

Of course, I want our son to be able to play with and appreciate ALL people regardless of their ethnic or racial make-up. But the plain fact is that he is a minority - especially in communities in which we will probably always live in. We have to be aware of opportunities in which he can connect with people/children who may be able to help him identify better with the part of who is that relates to his race. Obviously, we wouldn't put him in an unsafe, unhealthy environment for that end result.

Jenmars23

I am an adopted child from Korea with white parents in a majorly white community.  My parents joined a group of other families who had recently adopted children using the same agnecy (Holt).  We met many families similar to us and I still have a friend from that group!  It's funny we both got married 1 year apart, she just gave birth to her first and now I am pregnant.

My parents made an effort to teach me about my culture, going to events and buying me books and such, but I never sought out other Korean children.  I found that I had more in common with others in my community who had similar upbringing and moral values.  It never bothered me or my friends that I was the only person of asian descent in the community.

Good luck with the adoption!  I think it's amazing what you are doing, to give a child a better life and more opportunities, I am certainly grafteful to my parents.

517butterfly

jacksjerseygirl:

1. Befriending someone SIMPLY because of their color or ethnicity is wrong IMO

2. Purposefully seeking out play groups, support groups, or other groups that have cultural events specific to your family's ethnic/racial background is NOT wrong.

3. You may under-estimate the importance of having people in your child's life from day one who resemble them. While children do not understand color/race/ethnicity until 2-6 years of age. They do understand 'normal' and not normal from as early as 3 months of age. They learn to equate what they absorb on a daily basis as a norm - this is why when they do have a mental understanding of color/ethnicity they may mistakenly think they are the same as their parents - it is what they have normalized.

From our experience, I can tell you that we are much more acutely aware of race and the racial makeup of places we visit than at any other point in our life.

It's a balance. You need to be aware that it is a balance. You have to be willing to do what is best for your child - not always what feels comfortable to you personally - sometimes that might mean going out of your way to ask someone if they (perhaps being Indian) would like to have a play date with your child (for you - it may be solely because they are Indian and your child's exposure to them may be beneficial to your child but that doesn't mean you have to verbalize it).

Would I seek out a play date with a black family in our neighborhood because our son is black? Yep. No hesitation. That does NOT mean that I wouldn't seek out play dates with white people, chinese people, etc as well but it would not be for the same initial reason necessarily.

Of course, I want our son to be able to play with and appreciate ALL people regardless of their ethnic or racial make-up. But the plain fact is that he is a minority - especially in communities in which we will probably always live in. We have to be aware of opportunities in which he can connect with people/children who may be able to help him identify better with the part of who is that relates to his race. Obviously, we wouldn't put him in an unsafe, unhealthy environment for that end result.

This exactly. 

CaptainSerious

Jacks said pretty much what I was thinking, too.

Mrs.R2D2

jacksjerseygirl:

Would I seek out a play date with a black family in our neighborhood because our son is black? Yep. No hesitation. That does NOT mean that I wouldn't seek out play dates with white people, chinese people, etc as well but it would not be for the same initial reason necessarily.

I get where you're coming from, but here is a question - do you think that black (or Indian, or whatever ethnicity) family might take the stance that "she'd never have anything to do with us if her kid didn't look like us"?

 

Mrs.R2D2

Jenmars23:

   I think it's amazing what you are doing, to give a child a better life and more opportunities, I am certainly grafteful to my parents.

Thanks for the kind words, but I personally feel like I'm the lucky one to be adopting.  

ETA: I don't see us as doing something "noble" or anything like that. I'm more grateful to our child for being our child.  I'm sure your parents feel the same way.

Good luck on your PG and please stick around! I love hearing from adults who were adopted as children.

CaptainSerious

Mrs.R2D2:

I get where you're coming from, but here is a question - do you think that black (or Indian, or whatever ethnicity) family might take the stance that "she'd never have anything to do with us if her kid didn't look like us"?

Unless you gave them reason to believe that in the past, they would have no reason to think that way...unless they have their own prejudices.  I guess I really don't care, since I try to mingle with people of every color, race, religion, etc.  Anyone who knows me knows I don't judge by those characteristics.

BB&J

We adopted DD from China in 2003 and have kept our daughter in close contact with the other families that we traveled with and have kids from the same orphanage as DD, but honestly, if it wasn't for them and celebrating holdiays/Chinese New Year, etc with other families who adopted from China I don't really know how we'd go about finding other Chinese/Asian kids to connect with.

We're not well received among most Chinese adults who don't quite understand why we'd want to adopt one of "their" children. They don't get why we would want a baby who looks nothing like us and there is some shame I think on their part that their government has the One Child Policy in place. This was very apparent in our recent trip to China and carries over into how we're treated by Chinese people in our country. I don't mean to say they don't treat us well, they just kind of ignore us and don't make eye contact. 

DD is now almost 7 years old and she always points out other Chinese/Asian kids, so I know there is a curiousity on her part but she has never expressed that she'd like to be around more children like her. In fact, she has told me that she really likes being Chinese and likes being different. She enjoys her time with her orphanage mates, and we try very hard to keep them connected to one another so if issues come up later, they will have someone in their situation to turn to, but other than that....we just let her friendships happen. If she expressed different needs, we would address them, but I still think she is "color blind".

BB&J

Mrs.R2D2

fredalina:

Basically i think you shouldn't make friends with people of a certain race after you adopt because you shouldn't have to.  If i didn't have any people in my life who were African-American, i wouldn't want to adopt an African-American child and then go seek out African-Americans to be my friend.  i would instead consider adopting a child from Asia because i had some Asian people in my life and there was already a connection. 

I think I do get your point.

The problem is not a lack of SE Asian people in my life - as coworkers, friends, etc.  The problem is that my friends who are from India, Bangladesh, Nepal, etc, are all in their 20s and 30s and totally single.  The friend I do have who has small children and is Asian, is Laotian and Vietnamese. Our kids will be getting together whether they like it or not, muahaha, but again, will look nothing alike.

When we moved to our housing development a few years ago, people's first question to me was, "how many kids do you have"?  And when I said one non-custodial stepchild and none in our home full time... there wasn't a second question.  I'm the only woman on our street who works outside the home, etc.  That is why I don't know any of my neighbors, Indian or not, that well.