Is BM scamming us?

Mom's Getting Married

Has anyone paid birth mother expenses and then been scammed? Our BM was sent all her expenses for the month of Aug and then yesterday told the caseworker she needed "more help" to be sent. Now, I can't decide if she's just never had money so readily available and it's kind of gone to her head, or if she's scamming us...and trying to get as much money out of us as possible. And yes, our case worker told her under no circumstances would any more money be sent. But it kind of bugs me that she even asked. Is this just normal for someone who has been struggling and then finds themselves in a situation where they are a phone call away from money, or is this abnormal?

Erica

 

hersheykiss

As a BM I hate to think of another BM trying to scam or take advantage of an adoptive family. I would like to give ehr the benefit of the doubt that maybe she just had some extra unforseen costs come up after the other expenses had been submitted. Unfortunately, that may not be the case. I am glad to hear that the caseworker told her no. It sounds like you have a good advocate on your side.

CaptainSerious

Has the BM itemized or in any other way indicated what her expenses have been?

kmkaull

Have there been any other red flags?

What does your gut tell you?  I don't blame you for being majorly worried--I would be, too.

 

Art Teacher

I don't know.  Maybe she had an extra expense pop up that she hadn't considered?  But either way, it's good that your case worker told her no.  Did she specify what the expense was for? 

We haven't dealt with this, so I'm not really sure. 

 

GLynn2009

kmkaull:

Have there been any other red flags?

What does your gut tell you?  I don't blame you for being majorly worried--I would be, too.

This

*Erin&Mike*

I read your blog-and I totally feel for you as we agreed to pay some BM expenses as well.  It's such a fine line between uncomfortable with doing so and scared that you will get scammed. 

Our agency does things a little different than yours does-so maybe you could ask your agency if this would be an option.  Send me a PM with your email address or FB name and we can chat....if you want...

Mom's Getting Married

Our agency sends us a weekly escrow statement, showing what the money is supposed to be going towards. This month, we have sent money for utilites, rent, food, and clothes. All of which is the norm for the state she is in. Honestly, it didn't really bother me until we started having problems making contact and then the round-about request for additional money. With all of those monthly expenses covered, I can't imagine what else would have come up, but that doesn't mean something didn't. But she hasn't said anything...I don't think she has a vehicle and again, she's living at home. No cell phone. So, I'm not sure what else could have come up. And since she hasn't had utilities or rent expenses, she should have some extra money.

I agree...I hate to think that she might be scamming us. Our first few conversations were so great and it just seems next to impossible in my head. But I'm sure every family that got scammed thought that, ya know. I just feel like I have to keep my guard up, to an extent, since things seem to kind of be going down a different path than I thought they would be.  

Erin: I will send you my email address. I guess I will have to see what happens over the next couple of days and then figure out what options we have with the agency.

It all could totally be her mom trying to make things difficult, since she hasn't supported the adoption from the beginning (or at least, the adoption to us). Maybe she is trying to cause problems. {sigh}

 

Erica

 

Temp206787500007404

It honestly sounds to me like her mom/sister used the money for the rent (because her mom as the original renter is still indebted for that rent) and now she's out the money and can't get it back from her mom.

So not a great situation, but maybe not scamming you.  It sounds as if she doesn't have much life skills training. 

Amy720

I hate to tell you, but we had a BM who we were paying expenses too and everything was fine for about a month and then she started calling our 1800 number telling us she needed more money.  We broke the match because she was threatening to leave us anyway.  I hope everything works out for you.  This was her 4th adoption.  Come to find out she was going from family to family getting all the money she could and whoever ended up with her at the end got the baby.

Mom's Getting Married

MissB2007: Only problem with that scenario is that BM is saying that her sister paid the full amount of rent to her mom, so that would put her mom getting over the rent amount. Somebody's not telling the entire truth....and somebody's got the money (or spent the money...) Either way, there's probably more to the story than we've heard so far.

Amy720: I PRAY that this is not the case. Her parents, while in favor of adoption, are just not in favor of us because we are Christian (they are Mormon). So, they have been trying to convince her to go through their church, etc. I'm kind of hoping that maybe...just maybe, her mom is being difficult and trying to make this a problem in the hopes of causing problems with the adoption. Now, if that is the case, I think that our lawyer will be able to sort it all out. But, if he calls and then the details are still shady and all that....then I'm not going to have much faith in it.

I sent an email to our caseworker asking her not to distribute any more funds until this scenario got worked out. I think that is fair and not an off the wall request. I don't want to get any further into this, financially or emotionally, if this is not legit and we aren't being dealt with honestly. Also, BM had told us that she was mailing some ultrasounds to us a couple of weeks ago (to the agency so they could mail to us). The agency had sent a FedEx envelope so they could be tracked. I asked if those had been received yet, because BM told me almost 2 weeks ago now that they were in the mail. Someone should have received them by now. If they track the envelope and it's not en route, or not already there, and the BM was not honest about that either....I think I may take that as a sign that this is not a good situation.

 

Erica

 

maurisa74

We are not in the adoption process yet, but the agency we are meeting with tomorrow has a policy I like regarding BM expenses being paid. The adoptive parent pays the vendor directly. So the adoptive parents pay the rent directly to the landlord and electric directly to the electric company. I like this because the BM can't get the cash and if the electric bill has already been paid it can't be paid twice. Maybe you can do something like that in the future to make sure the money you are giving the BM for an electric bill isn't being used for something else.

jacksjerseygirl

I would not be thrilled about this but our agency would never allow this - it would have been made clear up front. I assume your agency does not back-up the e-mom expenses that you pay in the event she choses to parent - it is all at risk?

I think you need to evaluate a few things:

1) how many more months do you have until birth - if you have a while yet - then I may reconsider this match - how much counseling and background checking did your agency do to ensure she is not hopping from agency to agency or just doing this for the money?

2) if she asked for the same 'extra' amount each month would you be able to financially handle it,

3) what exactly does she need this extra money for since it sounds like you are paying for all the basics (ie: extra expenses means what - she bought a new tv, got her hair done, had a higher electric bill).

Temp206787500007404

I missed the part about her sister paying the rent in full!  I would definitely dig deeper!  (((HUGS)))

silliestbunny

Erica-

I'd love to chat more off-line (I realized we are using the same group). 

Something struck me as I read your post (and based on second hand experiences).  Once the money starts coming, other people tend to get "involved".  Be it sister or mom or boyfriend or friend....the BM may be centered and committed but others may be urging her to ask for more...since up until now, it seemed unending. 

 If you are up for chatting more, try me at silliestbunny A gmail.com

Mrs.Johnson

A very similar situation happened to us.  We were matched in October 08 and around Christams time the BM asked for more money because her house got broken in to and her presents were "stolen" (she has two girls at home).  She kept asking for more and more money.  Then at the end of January, the week we were supposed to find out the gender, she cancelled the match.  We lost $1,500 on BM living expenses in addition to thousands more from various other fees.  She had no consequences.  I felt robbed.  If I had realized that this could happen, I would have chosen another agency.