A little Frustrated... already! :(

Ok so I'm in the research step of the adoption process. I've been emailing/calling all the agencies I can find and have heard of around us to get their information. Well I found one that was recommended by a few different people. It's a Christian agency, which I really like, and is supposed to have lower fees than most agencies ( which DH really likes!). So I email them and ask for more information. They send me the requirements list and say if we both meet all of them to reply and they will send us the next step. No problem. I read over the requirements and notice that we both have to be a member of the same church. Well DH is a member of his family church & I am a member of my family church. We attend a totally different church ( in a different town since we moved) but have not joined it yet. We probably will join this church but just haven't felt like it was the right time to do so. So I emailed her back and explained the situation. She responds and says, "I'll be glad to send you the pre-application as soon as you have met all requirements." UGH!  I know it's a requirement but I don't understand what us being members of the church has to do with us being Christians. ERR! I really wanted to get their information. :( I don't want to join for the wrong reason.


Thanks for letting me vent!

Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Re: A little Frustrated... already! :(

  • That is frustrating!  I understand that the agency has requirements.  Almost all good agencies do.  However, they should be willing to work with you.  Honestly, the first response you received rubbed me the wrong way.  The lack of empathy in the second response would turn me off completely.  I know you are probably paraphrasing, but this doesn't sound like a great agency to work with.  There are plenty of other Christian agencies out there that will work with you. 
    Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
  • We had a similar agency that we were looking at and they wanted a letter from our pastor stating that we attend. Seems easy right? DH and I are different religions, and he doesn't practice! We decided that if church was a deal breaker for this agency, we would pass.
    Photobucket My Favorite Part of Spring~Red Sox Baseball!
  • Loading the player...
  • Well, I can tell you why you have to be a member of, and attend, the same church. They will want a reference from your minister. It is hard for a minister to give a reference if you are not a member or don't attend regularly together.

    But, they should explain that rather than being condescending.  Really wonder if you are dealing with the same receptionist I am!!


    Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickersLilypie Second Birthday tickersLilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

  • I would like to add that we also signed with a Christian agency.  I was a little concerned about this, since we are not regular church attendees.  The agency director told me that she wasn't concerned about our church attendance.  She just needed us to demonstrate that we have a relationship with Christ.  Our pastoral reference didn't need to be from a pastor.  She said it could be from anyone in a leadership position with any church.  We used a family friend who is a Deacon.
    Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
  •  Getting a reference from a pastor wouldn't be a problem. I've gone to DH's church (at first every Sunday and now to visit the in-laws) since we started dating 7 years ago. The pastor there did our pre-wedding marriage counseling & drove all the way to Florida ( 9 hours) to marry us. ( We got married on a cruise). I wish she had given me the chance to explain that to her and see if they would work with us. I definitely have a bad taste in my mouth about the agency now so even if we did join our church soon, I don't think I'll contact them again. It just bums me out because I had heard such great things about them!!!!

    On a brighter note, I had narrowed my search down to 2 agencies, with that being possibly one of them. So now I only have 1 that I'm leaning towards! :)



    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • We had a very similiar situation. We, too, didn't want to join a church for the sake of meeting a requirement and were upset that the agency was more concerned about us meeting that requirment than the fact that it would be totally hypocritical for us to do so. So, we decided to find an agency that didn't have that requirement (which usually meant not a Christian agency) and then just emphasized in our profile that we were Christians. For some reasons, it seems, it has been my experience, that a lot of the "Christian" agencies seem to get hung up on symatecs instead of truly trying to represent Christian families, which come in all shapes and sizes.

    Good luck,



  • The other agency I'm looking at is a Christian agency as well but so far does not have that as a "requirement." I'm glad I am not alone in feeling like that would be very hypocritical for us to join just for the sake of meeting that requirement. Being a member of a church does not necessarily mean you will attend any more than if you weren't a member.
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • First off, congrats on moving forward with contacting different agencies,that's a scary first step!

    Other posters are right, the reason why they want you to be a member of the same church is because they want a letter from your pastor/priest/leader.   To push that a little further, the way that it was explained to me, (which could be right or wrong) that the reason why they ask for a letter is to demonstrate that you are not only connected with community (for support, accountability, etc) but that you are in good moral standing as well.

    I agree with all the above posters, it's very hypocritical of a christian agency. 

    I saw that you narrowed your search down to two agencies! I hope one of those is a better fit for your family!

  • I think there might be another reason they want you and your husband to be members of the same church which hasn't yet been mentioned.  They may consider that as evidence that you and your husband share a faith and will both be involved in raising your child(ren) in that faith.

    Regardless of their reason, I would not sign with any agency that would not take the time to discuss any questions or concerns I had about their programs or requirements.  In many real ways, this is how they make their living, and is the time when they should be trying to court you as a client.  If they don't give you the time of day now, how will they treat you once they have your money and signed contract?

  • I would move along from that agency. We did not have to have a letter from our pastor but we used him for one of our referances anyway. We just had to stay were we wentto church. Our agency is connected with a church also.

    I agree with others that if they treat you this way now it will only get worse.


    Good luck.

  • Don't force a piece of the puzzle together. IMO There are a lot of great agencies - with varying fees and wait times.

    You force this piece and there is a good possibility that you will find other pieces later that need forced and when the whole thing is put together ... you might end up having wished you went a different route.

    Good luck!


This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards