New and very frustrated with attitude

LaVitaBella

MH and I have been trying to have a baby for two years.  There is like a one in a million chance that I'll ever get pregnant and carry to term.  We have decided to adopt. SO, I go out and buy books, look up websites, find out state laws and regulations, look for agencies, make lists of pros and cons of different types of adoption.  About once a week I share it with DH.  The other night I brought it up again, the question, "So when are we seriously going to sit down and make some decisions as to what to do and start our home study?"

I have explained every step of the way to him.  He doesn't want to do research and just wants me to bookmark the important pages of books with "stuff he has to know."

I went through this with fertility treatments.  He didn't know a damn thing, I had too look up EVERYTHING.  Now he is saying things like, "Ok...in the next few months we will figure out what to do and maybe look into a few places."

I have explained to him that once we decide, it will take months to even get an appointment to do a home study, to put together all of our information, and even longer time to be ready to adopt.  THEN there is the waiting period for a match.  I DO NOT WANT TO PUT THIS OFF ANOTHER SIX MONTHS.

I have asked him over and over again if he is on board with this.  He says yes.  He was the one who initiated the adoption conversation after the failed fertility treatments. He seems to think that if we give it a few more months "on our own" we'll get pregnant and "won't need to do this."

I have read him so many articles.  I have had him speak to our doctor and hear from his mouth that it is HIGHLY unlikely that I will get pregnant.  I don't know what he is waiting for.  I am tired of waiting.  I want to have a family and the longer we put off looking and starting paperwork, the longer that will take. 

I just had to vent.  Thanks. 

Honeydew1894

I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but my DH was the same way and needed time to process it all. I've known I would never have a baby since I was 15, but DH didn't, and he needed more time to sort through all the emotions, etc. He is slowly coming around. What I do is continue to research, and wait for HIM to bring up the adoption. Then I share what I have learned recently. I understand that you are excited and ready to move ahead (I am too!), but it sounds like your DH isn't ready yet. That doesn't mean that he doesn't want to adopt or that he doesn't want to be a dad, it just means that he may need more time. GL and keep us posted!

Alicia_22

My DH was the exact same way at first! He kept wanting to "wait another year or so." I kept researching a little on my own and would just mention it to him every few months or so. I'd just say something like "Are you any closer to being open to the adoption idea?" He would say "Not really" and I'd let it go for then. It was hard but I knew that this had to be a decision we were both 100% about!!!! I didn't want him to feel pressured and then later resent me for it. Finally a few weeks ago when I asked, he was more open about it. He said we could start researching seriously, let our families know and officially start the process ( application, ect) by the beginning of the year. Now that we have started researching together, he is a LOT more open about it and we will probably start the application as soon as we find an agency, facilitator, ect that we want to use! I guess I just wanted to let you know that eventually he will come around! I finally learned that DH wasn't as scared/nervous as adopting as he was just becoming a dad. It's funny because we have been TTC for 3 years but he was scared to take the first step towards adoption! Good Luck!!!! 

goro28

It sounds like he is in denial about having a biological child.  Moving to adoption might mean closing the door on that for him.  Have you tried having a heart to heart about that?  Good luck, this is so hard when you're both not at the same place emotionally.

Dr.Loretta

Ditto the pps. I was ready a good 6+ months before DH was. I read all sorts of things and he just wanted to learn the highlights by osmosis. I had 3 m/c's and he seemed to think we could just keep having more until one eventually stuck.

It turned out he had a big fear of the homestudy process, and it took him talking to people at agencies about the details before he finally felt ready to take the next steps.

Have you looked into any informational seminars in your area, or even through other agencies outside your area? I think resolve.org has one every so often. Sometimes they need to learn through a different venue than just a book.

I don't know about places around you, but once we sent in our application it took a week or 2 to start our homestudy, and several weeks (not months) to get our paperwork together. I think the key phrase you used was "ready to adopt". He may just not be ready, and you'll have to wait. I know it's hard, but it will be worth it to have you both on the same page before you go through the process.

Good luck and vent away.

FinallyMrs.G

Yup, ditto everyone else. Mine too, I was ready way before he was and I would bug and bug and he would get more and more further away from being ready so I just let it go and didn't talk about it anymore and he finally brought it up one day.  He wasn't fully on board until after we went to all of the information seminars at the agencies in our area. It still took him about 4 months after we had all the info we need before we were filling out the application. It's so frustrating, I know!  Just have patience, I know that's easier said than done but a lot of us have been there. You are not alone. The ladies here are wonderful, if you ever need to vent we are all here to listen and give our 2 cents. Good luck!!

LaVitaBella

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your helpful responses.  I don't want to keep badgering him about it.  He is very open to adoption itself (his oldest sister is adopted) but I do think he is in denial about never having a biological child. 

Believe it or not, tonight he said to me, "Do you want to watch a movie tonight or maybe look at the adoption stuff together?"  So I jumped at that chance.  He read the "Idiots Guide to Adoption" book.  It was good.  He did that for about an hour while I researched what specific steps we have to take online.  We were together, but separate.  I wasn't explaining everything to him, but I wasn't alone. KWIM? 

So...after that he commented on how daunting it sounds, but how we'll get through it.  I still think it will go slower than I'd like, but we're getting somewhere. 

 

Thanks so much again for your replies.  I should be on here more as time passes.

Alicia_22

I just wanted to add that I'm SOOOO glad you posted this! I honestly thought I was alone in dealing with a DH who took a while to get ready to start the process. I'm glad yours "researched" a little with you. That's a step in the right direction. Keep us updated! 

Dr.Loretta

LaVitaBella:

Believe it or not, tonight he said to me, "Do you want to watch a movie tonight or maybe look at the adoption stuff together?"  So I jumped at that chance.  He read the "Idiots Guide to Adoption" book.  It was good.  He did that for about an hour while I researched what specific steps we have to take online.  We were together, but separate.  I wasn't explaining everything to him, but I wasn't alone. KWIM? 

That's great! And that's exactly how it's been with my DH throughout. We even had to work out a system for getting his autobiography done. I didn't want to be the nag, but I wanted him to keep it top of mind. We settled on him setting a final date to get it done, and I let him bring it up when he was in the frame of mind to work on it. Just like you said, it took longer than I wanted, but we got it done.

I hope things continue to move forward for you!

crystalpopcorn

I know I'm jumping into this a little late (darn work), but I wanted to help.  My DH was open to adoption.  He brought it up first, like yours, then dropped it.  I immediately jumped into researching our options.  Knowing my DH, I realized that I could not talk about every little thing I found.  Instead, as I was getting more information and contacting agencies, I would say "I'm thinking about going to this info session. Before I get too far down the path with research, I want to make sure that this is something you really want to do."  He would say yes, he really wanted to adopt.  Then I would invite him to join me at the session. 

One of my friends who was adopting said that it is very common for the woman to do most of the adoption research and paperwork.  She said that she was the one who had to keep the process moving forward. She also said, however, that whe she read her husband's autobiography and staments about WHY he wanted to adopt, she knew that he was absolutely ready.

My suggestion is to keep doing your research, and give your husband time.  He will come around.  It sounds like he is already starting to anyway.  Good luck!

GLynn2009

You have to wait for him to come around.

We discussed adoption before we married and he closed the door after we were married about a year saying that we would just raise my DD & DS. Then when a family member called and mentioned that another family member that has a history of drug abuse had a child he offer to take the child if they ran out of options. Two months later they told us that the child was going to be placed for adoption and he said that we would take her without asking me first. Then he told me what he had done and said this is what we wanted right.

It will work work itself out.