Crap, my dad found out about the baby

IlovemyGeek

So I posted a couple weeks ago about my toxic father and his crazy new wife (can't find the post though). Anyway, my mom found out through the grapevine (Facebook) that someone that knows him found out and posted on his Facebook congratulating him on being a grandfather. This sucks, b/c we weren't going to tell him and have no intentions of him being a part of our daughter's life. He's disowned me twice and he no longer has my phone number or access to me online. Kinda scared what he is going to do now that he knows.

DiscusCoach

I remember that post quite well.

Leave the ball in his court. 

My DH and I role play these sort of difficult situations a lot and it helps. Ask your DH to play your dad or his wife and verbally come at you with something. You respond. Then talk about whether that was a good response or what would be better. 

Please also decide ahead of time if you are going to open mail or email from him. It will be easier if you decide ahead of time. I would say no. I would also suggest not answering the phone from him or listening to messages.
Cut it off.

pregnantalready09

Maybe he'll want to be close w/ his granddaughter. I know you probably dont want a comparison to a tv show but on One Tree Hill, Dan disowned his sons, they disowned him but at the end of the day (& this was because he was dying) they let him get close to their child. He might not have been the best dad but he was a great grandfather. Maybe thats what your dad will do. Sorry about the tv show comparison but thats how I see it.

IlovemyGeek

It isn't so much as my Dad as the fact he married a crazy women. I was accused of sending subversive Xmas presents and she logged into his email to send me an email from my Dad saying she wishes me and my brother were never born and then he didn't see anything wrong with her doing that b/c she was (protecting him).

dtrigg

I didn't read your post so I don't know what your situation is but I also have a very, incredibly toxic biological father. It's a horrible, horrible thing to say, but I cannot wait until the day when I just drop off a picture of his new grandbaby at his house just to show him what he's missing.

It's mean, but he did terrible, terrible things to my mom and I that he will never ever admit to and I want him to just come to reality, even for just ONE day to show him how much he's missed out on. (I'm his only child that we know of so far.)

Maybe your dad will see what he's missing out on? You could always chose the 'I don't know what you're talking about' route. "That person must be mistaken" or even the "You must have the wrong person."

IlovemyGeek

I wish I could find that post I did, it had a lot of the crazy emails she sent me as well. Crazy crazy women.

(update)

Ok I couldn't find my posts on The bump, but I posted something similar on Etiquette Hell, in case anyone wants background on the crazy

https://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=58173.0

 

EmmieB

I have a toxic father, too. He's on wife # ? and I barely speak to him. He's really good at pretending like he tries so hard when the reality is that I've barely heard from him since I called to tell him I was pregnant.

I agree with the first poster -you need to decide now what to do. My father will never be alone with my children (Yes, One Tree Hill is great...but not every situation can be resolved so neatly) and it's entirely possible that our next exchange will be our last.

You have to look out for the tiny, defenseless person you're bringing into the world. And if that means toxic father and psycho step-mother are out of the picture, then you're probably better off.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It helps me to realize that I'm not the only person out there with a crazy father. Hopefully it helps you, too. Be strong!

meclayton

Do not let him back into your life. He will only continue to make you miserable and will do the same to your children.

woolgathered

I remember the post. You can do this. Keep your cool and stay strong - you know you can always come here to vent and we will listen and be supportive.

fiftysixty

I would not let him back into your life. He may be a great terrific grandfather to the baby- but if he allows and encourages his wife's terrible behaviour (which is what he's doing if he's not putting a stop to it) he's showing where his priorities lay.

My situation is similar. I've made it clear to my father that he is no longer welcome as a part of my life unless he can be a part of mine WITHOUT HER. No reference to her, no contact with her, nothing. My father is bad enough- his abusive and manipulative wife I have no reason to put up with anymore. I've made it clear to her (when I was 16, no less) that if she continued she would never ever get to see any grandchildren. I'm upholding my promise.

 She has NEVER shown a single sign of remorse or kindness.  The hell she put me through is not fair to inflict on a child. I know what this woman is like, I know what she's capable of and most of all... I know what it feels like. So no, I would not recommend you let him back in your life unless you're doing supervised visits of him, and him alone. Think of how hard it will be to explain to your little one why you can't go to Grandpa's house, or (god forbid) he calls his wife "grandma" and the little one wants to meet her?!

pregnantalready09

ok i take it back now that i have read what happened. you should keep the ties severed and not get back in contact w/ him. ur dad is letting this woman control him. i wouldnt want my child being around him or ms. crazy lady for even a second. dont let him know & dont get in contact w/ him.

Anniekins214

Honestly, if he's willing to disown you and prioritize his wife's antics over his childrens' feelings, he doesn't deserve to be part of your life, or your daughter's life.

I wouldn't bother showing him what he's "missing out" on...because if he wants back into your life, it's going to be to fulfill some sort of selfish desire to be a grandpa, not because he's seen the err of his ways.  The last thing you need is his b!tch of a wife saying such nasty things to your baby.

getnmarried910

I am trying to think back to whether or not I saw your previous post.  I can't remember.  I have a very toxic FIL and we have cut him out of our lives.  He has treated DH horribly, so we decided we don't want him as a part of our lives or our kids.  We don't send him pictures, we don't invite him to birthday parties.  We have no contact with him whatsoever, and he lives two miles away.  We've even given strict instructions to MIL (who is divorced from him, but talks to him regularly) that she is not to give him pictures and if she does, she will no longer receive them or be able to take pictures of our kids.  So far, to our knowledge she has complied.  He was a part of our lives for a short time so he knows he is missing out on his grandkids, but he refuses to acknowledge what he has done.  He blames everything on other people. 

ecoppins

I remember your post, quite well. Your dad's new WIFE, is all kinds of crazy and sadly it sounds like your dad is going the way of the doodoo or at least not keeping crazy from you and your relationship with him. As such, stick to your guns, do what you feel is best for you and your child. I can't image how difficult that situation must be, both heartbreaking and frustrating.?

MrsHK

We went through something similar a couple of years ago. It was actually our dental hygienist who slipped to FIL. She asked him how excited he was and quickly realized he hadn't know. Luckily she called DH to warn him and apologize profusely about slipping up.

FIL had walked away from all his kids. My BIL and SIL were about 5 & 7yo then. He was/is going through a horrendous divorce and just too busy with his gf to bother with his family. Though we were planning on telling him we just hadn't yet. I was about 15 weeks then and the hygienest just assumed we had told everyone by then. 

He still has not/won't contact DH. We've actually tried to keep him in the loop. Emailed and sent pictures as DS was born and growing up still. DH just recently asked me to stop. We're trying to be the bigger person and show him the family he's missing out on. He obviously doesn't care anymore. 

My BM has been out of my life for almost 10y now. I don't even know if she knows I'm married and have a new name. Hopefully that means she wouldn't know how to find me. I do worry about her being able to contact me sometime though. Especially now that I have DS and another on the way. I don't want that pyscho woman anywhere near my family. 

I don't know my point, sorry, I'm rambling. I guess I just wanted to say hang in there, remember there are others of us out here too in case you need any extra support.

IlovemyGeek

It helps to hear that there are other toxic families out there too. It is just so random that this happened yesterday on what would have been my parent's anniversary. My mom chewed out the guy who posted to my Dad's wall (though she doesn't know how HE found out) she has one sonogram pic in her pictures and it isn't labeled and I haven't mentioned the baby at all on her wall. At least a mutual friend saw the post and let my mom know b/c he knew that I didn't want my father to know and he has Facebook blocked both me and her.

kellimadson

I don't know the back story, but my father is very toxic. He said and did very hurtful things to my mother and I. He will not know or see his granddaughter. He calls DH behind my back and tries to get informaiton about me and the baby and DH just tells him that if I wanted him to know then I would tell him. DH doesn't agree with my decision but he supports me because he doesn't want his daughter being treated the way I was. I agree with PP and you need to decide now and make sure SO knows your stance. He doesn't have to agree with it but he should be supportive of your decision. Your innocent baby shouldn't be subjected to toxic behavior. Your dad made his bed, now he has to lay in it. Hope that helps!!!

PurpleK26

OK, I didn't read your other post, so I only have this one to go on. And forgive me, I'll apologize ahead of time, for being and glass half full kinda person when it comes to this stuff.

I know that you said in this post that the WIFE is psycho. Would your dad still be decent without her? I know they kinda come as a pair, but if you have good memories and had a decent relationship prior to her, maybe you could work it out where only he is allowed to meet or be around your LO.

Like I said, I don't know the whole story, this was just a thought. But, I definitely think your LO should be shielded at all costs from psycho wife! 

alatchaw

I remember your other post quite well... I commented and said I was in a similar situation with my mother. She knows about the baby. She will still have no contact with my baby, or any other future children. As a previous poster has said, we decided that she would treat my baby the same way she has always treated me and I do not want that for my child.

She still tries to call, write, send gifts, etc. and I just ignore her and/or send them back. My cousins don't have any contact with their father (my mom's brother-- big tree of crazy), and he sent my cousin a check for several thousands of dollars for her wedding. She sent it back. Stay strong and think about how stress-free your family life is without them! Good luck!