do I need to buy a gift

tmj2008

Ok so I know this girl through my Mom.  She was invited to my wedding , Sit down reception and dance, shower etc...all the wedding activities.  They have decided last minute to get married and I am invited just to the dance......do I get a gift???  i am thinking NO, just because I hate gift grabs but what would you all do???  My Mom doesnt agree with me because I think she is worried peeople will talk and it will reflect bad on her.

Any thoughts?

EmmieB

You have a year to get them a gift. If anyone says anything (to you or your mother) then the response could be something like "well, this was so last minute and I'm/my daughter's expecting and decided to wait a month or so and then give the couple something they'll really be able to use."

 

Which will deflect you looking poorly, and give you a chance to decide what -if anything - you want to get the happy couple.

khaenlein

Buy a gift.  You're invited to a wedding, and even though it's not the kind of wedding you had, it's still a wedding and it's appropriate to buy a gift when invited.  Someone shouldn't have to forego gifts just because they opt not to have a big fancy wedding and serve an expensive meal.  Think of it this way--you're getting out of buying two gifts if she isn't also having a shower.

coquina

Definitely a card, and possibly a gift card to somewhere she is registered as well, this doesn't have to be in a large amount $15-$25.  

tmj2008

khaenlein:

Buy a gift.  You're invited to a wedding, and even though it's not the kind of wedding you had, it's still a wedding and it's appropriate to buy a gift when invited.  Someone shouldn't have to forego gifts just because they opt not to have a big fancy wedding and serve an expensive meal.  Think of it this way--you're getting out of buying two gifts if she isn't also having a shower.

Actually Im not invited to the wedding or reception at all.....its an open dance , I guess thats where I got confused.

dib

I would get them a gift.

I don't know if this is "official" etiquette, but what from what I understand, if they invited you to their wedding, you should invite them to yours and vice versa. So, based on that, if they got you a gift, you should get them one. And we usually give the same "amount" gift (whether money or something from the registry) as what we got - no matter the difference in the costs of the weddings. Some people have restrictions on locations or budgets, but want you to be there to celebrate with them, so it's the thought that counts. I had a good friend who could only invite family to the wedding, but we (friends) were invited to the reception (passed hors d'oeuvres)/dancing. I didn't feel it was a money grab at all - they just had big families and lots of friends.

Unless of course you don't really like this girl - then, just don't go to the wedding.

NiniJ55

Get them a gift.  Did she get something for your wedding and/or shower.

Don't be cheap.... get them a gift.  Even if it's only a gift card.  A friend of mine recently got married (at the last minute too) I got her a gift before the wedding... and a gift at her post wedding shower. 

NiniJ55

tmj2008:

khaenlein:

Buy a gift.  You're invited to a wedding, and even though it's not the kind of wedding you had, it's still a wedding and it's appropriate to buy a gift when invited.  Someone shouldn't have to forego gifts just because they opt not to have a big fancy wedding and serve an expensive meal.  Think of it this way--you're getting out of buying two gifts if she isn't also having a shower.

Actually Im not invited to the wedding or reception at all.....its an open dance , I guess thats where I got confused.

Help me out with this "open dance" bussines - what does that mean??  The "dance" is to celebrate their recent marriage right?  Get a gift.

jkfranklin

Get a gift if you go.  It doesn't have to be much.  I usually look at how much they are spending to have me as a guest and then calculate my gift based on that.  If I only got to the dance and have a few drinks then I will get them a picture frame or $20 gift card.  If I go to the whole shebang with dinner and drinks I spend somewhere near $50-$75.

Kingston54

What is an open dance?  I do not understand this.

ickasticka

I would just get her something small but meaningful and a nice card.

dib

Did they even send an invite or was it a verbal invitation?

tmj2008

*Kingston*:

What is an open dance?  I do not understand this.

Open dance in this case is where you dont get an invitation, its just say "hey we hope you can come to the dance, the more the merrier " and its cash bar (Not that I have a problem with cash bar...just including that they arent paying for me to be there)

 

dib

ahhhhhhh, ok. I've always thought, if you don't get a formal invite, well, you aren't obligated to get them anything. however, just to be nice (and again, considering she went to your wedding), I would get some small gift - like an inexpensive picture frame or vase or a gift card to Target something.

ella.mabel

My personal rule of thumb is: when in doubt, get a gift. Always rule on the side of caution.

sara_smile

tmj2008:

khaenlein:

Buy a gift.  You're invited to a wedding, and even though it's not the kind of wedding you had, it's still a wedding and it's appropriate to buy a gift when invited.  Someone shouldn't have to forego gifts just because they opt not to have a big fancy wedding and serve an expensive meal.  Think of it this way--you're getting out of buying two gifts if she isn't also having a shower.

Actually Im not invited to the wedding or reception at all.....its an open dance , I guess thats where I got confused.

I've never heard of this? What is the difference between a "dance" and a reception?

ETA: Oh, I get it. The dance is the second half of the reception... so I guess I would have to vote for you getting her "half" the size/value of a gift.

tmj2008

sara_smile:

tmj2008:

khaenlein:

Buy a gift.  You're invited to a wedding, and even though it's not the kind of wedding you had, it's still a wedding and it's appropriate to buy a gift when invited.  Someone shouldn't have to forego gifts just because they opt not to have a big fancy wedding and serve an expensive meal.  Think of it this way--you're getting out of buying two gifts if she isn't also having a shower.

Actually Im not invited to the wedding or reception at all.....its an open dance , I guess thats where I got confused.

I've never heard of this? What is the difference between a "dance" and a reception?

reception is where they have meal or food and speaches and all that stuff.   the dance is just that....DJ and music

sara_smile

tmj2008:

sara_smile:

tmj2008:

khaenlein:

Buy a gift.  You're invited to a wedding, and even though it's not the kind of wedding you had, it's still a wedding and it's appropriate to buy a gift when invited.  Someone shouldn't have to forego gifts just because they opt not to have a big fancy wedding and serve an expensive meal.  Think of it this way--you're getting out of buying two gifts if she isn't also having a shower.

Actually Im not invited to the wedding or reception at all.....its an open dance , I guess thats where I got confused.

I've never heard of this? What is the difference between a "dance" and a reception?

reception is where they have meal or food and speaches and all that stuff.   the dance is just that....DJ and music

Sorry if I sound ignorant, but what is the point of having both? And is this more popular in Canada or something? I feel so out of the loop...

tmj2008

sara_smile:

tmj2008:

sara_smile:

tmj2008:

khaenlein:

Buy a gift.  You're invited to a wedding, and even though it's not the kind of wedding you had, it's still a wedding and it's appropriate to buy a gift when invited.  Someone shouldn't have to forego gifts just because they opt not to have a big fancy wedding and serve an expensive meal.  Think of it this way--you're getting out of buying two gifts if she isn't also having a shower.

Actually Im not invited to the wedding or reception at all.....its an open dance , I guess thats where I got confused.

I've never heard of this? What is the difference between a "dance" and a reception?

reception is where they have meal or food and speaches and all that stuff.   the dance is just that....DJ and music

Sorry if I sound ignorant, but what is the point of having both? And is this more popular in Canada or something? I feel so out of the loop...

Its Ok.  I think Im confused now too....ahha!!!! 

Wedding in the afternoon, supper and  speaches at 6 for those invited to ceremony and then 9pm there is a dance.  This is where it became word of mouth... for the dance only....no invites sent out just.."come on and bring your friends" kinda thing.  

Mrs.tlcS

FTR, you are never obligated to buy someone a gift, just as no one is ever obligated to buy you a gift.

That said, I personally do not feel comfortable "going empty handed" to a celebration.  Send them a card and something small off their registry if you feel the "need" to give something.

Florak8

Wow. Never heard of that. 

I guess bottom line is, if she bought you a gift, you should do the same. If it were me, I would do something hand-made or else a small gift card. And if I had something better to do that night, I would not feel bad about mailing the gift instead.

vmm0016

I would get a her a gift.

SLHurst11

We invited several people to our dance that weren't invited to the meal.  I gave out some little notecard-style invites, and told them we'd love if they'd come and party with us.  I was not expecting a gift from any of them, as they only came to party and hang out.  I don't think you need to give anything but a nice card.  And if someone says "she got you a present", then you can say that she was actually a part of the entire event on your wedding day.

For them to "expect" a gift when all you're doing is hanging out at the after-party, is like having a cookout with your pals and expecting them all to give you money for it.  If I'm throwing a party, I'm responsible for any associated expenses.  Anything someone wants to bring along is an appreciated bonus.

tmj2008

 Thanks Girls!! Verdict is in, A small gift it is!!

Thanks for your input...I wont be a cheapass 

getnmarried910

tmj2008:

khaenlein:

Buy a gift.  You're invited to a wedding, and even though it's not the kind of wedding you had, it's still a wedding and it's appropriate to buy a gift when invited.  Someone shouldn't have to forego gifts just because they opt not to have a big fancy wedding and serve an expensive meal.  Think of it this way--you're getting out of buying two gifts if she isn't also having a shower.

Actually Im not invited to the wedding or reception at all.....its an open dance , I guess thats where I got confused.

I wouldn't, but I wouldn't go either.  To me it sounds like a "gift grab" than anything else.  Why would someone invite you to the dance only portion of the reception and not the wedding? That's just odd.  If you go, you should buy a gift.  If you don't go, don't get one.