I was just thinking how different couples that I knew growing up have really affected how I want our family to be.
Obviously there are my parents - they've been a huge influence, but definitely not the only. I really love the 'non traditional' way their marriage went - Dad did the cooking and a lot of the childcare because Mom had a job which required a bit more travel and had her home later in the day than my father's teaching position. I always loved sharing the fact that Daddy did all the cooking and was amused at some of the surprised looks I'd get (although there were also quite a few people that had the same situation).
Then there are our neighbors - very close family friends. They don't have any kids, she did all the cooking/cleaning (SAH and worked as a substitute part time, incredibly intelligent, just didn't need to work) and he had a pretty flexible business, so they were (and are) able to travel a lot. I'd like to try and take some of their ability to enjoy time together and get out and do things (they're also great at finding deals, etc). I also found it incredibly helpful to see a marriage that was so different from my parents, and still very healthy.
Then there are bits and pieces I get from other neighbors - my desire to foster comes from a family that lived around the block. I don't know if we'll ever do it, but I think in a way, we'd make decent candidates. I have friends who don't let work overtake their life, and I definitely want to make sure that doesn't happen with my family.
Anyhow - before I write a book - just curious to see who your major influences are. Family? friends? The Cosby's (who I think I could argue that I did learn a little bit from - in my own 80's way)?
Re: Another curiosity poll/observation
I know a couple similar families that I look up to. We want a large family and to homeschool...Their kids have a lot of freedom to explore and develop individual skills/ talents while still working together to make their household operate smoothly. We aren't into the idea of having as-many-as-we-possibly-can-and-give-them-all-names-starting-with-J thing...but like what we've seen in real life of large families.
I'm an only child and was an "oops baby." Both my parents always worked and think I'm a little nutty for wanting to do things so differently from them. They're supportive though, which helps...
This is a really neat post. We are kind of still in the stage of defining how we want our family to be and where we can meet the happy middle of everything. So I guess here is what we've taken from different people -
My rents: good with money (although we've taken it to the next step even) and my mom really had us involved in everything from summer camp programs at the library to sports to just making play doh at home or doing science experiements/crafts - we've also taken how our house is set up from them (rooms have a few toys, basement is for all kid things, family room is for being on your best behavior, living room is off limits)
ILs: like you mentioned, FIL did all of the cooking and cleaning and most childcare, but mainly b/c my MIL is lazy, but she did work too. I love that DD is really a 50/50 partner in all of those areas
Family friends of ours is really our only other influence we have to look up to. Thier kids are geniuses (literally) and they just pushed healthy eating to promote brain development and very good child rearing. So anytime I have a question I always call Jamie! Her little girls are SO good, so I figure if mine turn out half as good, well then great!
And we also know that we want to work hard, but not be overcome by work. Our family always comes first. We want to be thankful for what we have and take time to help others through volunteering (and fostering as well one day). And we want to be more involved in our childrens sports than our parents were (all not athletic). We'd like to help coach their teams and do more of showing them how to improve their skills if they want of course rather than stand back and just say "you're doing fine" like our parents did. We both wish we had been pushed academically a little more than we were and disciplined more than we both were.
you know... I don't think I have any! My parents divorced when I was young. I guess my aunt and uncle that we lived next door to have a good marriage but did a really bad job of raising their kids... so not really role models there. DH doesn't even know his dad and all his aunts and uncles sounded like they had some pretty messed up husband/ wife roles.
I think DH and I just got married and continued to act like we had just started dating... we aren't like any couple I've ever met. We are in love and nothing can come between us. We will model that for our kids and raise them with lots of love and teach them to show respect and be good citizens. (Both our moms are great parenting role models though.)
DH and I have been told that we are great role models for couples that have recently been married. It's funny that we are role models, but we don't really have any.
my parents: married 43 years with 5 children. My parents were traditional. My dad was great with money and was able to financially support the family wonderfully. My mom was a traditional homemaker. She cooked, cleaned, took us to activities, planned vacations, parties, etc. She also was really crafty and could sew, knit, crochet and had a baking business out of the house.
my husband's parents: Divorced and re-married. The greatest thing about his parents is not only are they really wonderfully fun and understanding individuals but they merged all the families together. There is such a wonderful sense of love and respect despite the divorce.
my best friend: was one of my first girlfriends to get married and now has three beautiful children. She married her college boyfriend and they have built a wonderful home and family life together and are truly in love with each other and their kids.
My mom taught me a lot - my Dad left her when I was six and so I've always known that women can do anything that a man can. In fact - the "honey do" list in our house is for me to do. (not so much now that I'm knocked up, but that's temporary.)
I learned a lot of what NOT to do from my Dad. (Which is just as important as what TO do.) He was absent. A lot. Partially because of his job and partially because we weren't boys and he therefore didn't give a ***. (I have two younger half brothers from his second marriage. Believe me about him preferring boys.) There was no discipline from him. Moral here: be present. Be fair. Follow through with your discipline.
My mom's oldest sister had kids a couple of years after I was born and I remember always being in AWE of their family. Asher and Kala were in Montessori school through junior high. They were fluent in french before they even started "grade" school. They lived in Bali for a few years. They've grown up to be AMAZING adults. (Kala is a massage therapist who dances with a modern dance company that tours the world on occasion and she's getting her physical therapy degree. Asher went to UNC on a full ride and then went to work for a think tank and a congressman. When he went back to grad school it was Princeton Poli-Sci and he spent his summers in the middle east working with NGOs to educate the people on how to hold democratic elections. He's just gone back to work for the same congressman...they wooed him back.) They're a family of TOTAL hippies but they're so inspirational. When my life was chaotic there was always a lot of love and understanding from them.
And then...most recently...there's Robin and Craig. Craig worked with my stepfather when he was in College and I started babysitting for them when the twins were 6 months old. They're 14 now and their little sister is 10. If you wanted an example of a ridiculously good looking and well adjusted nuclear family - I point to them. They're fairly mainstream (almost staid compared to my cousins) and their lives are deeply rooted in their church. They are stable, loving, respectful...all of those things you aim for. I hope that in the past 14 years I've just absorbed some of that from them.
Good discussion.
I'd had to say that my parents were definitely an influence but not necessarily in a good way. They were complete opposites and fought about everything so I wouldn't call theirs a good marriage, it was dysfunctional. They were both married and divorced before meeting each others. I did learn a lot about what NOT to do in a marriage.
I think my best in life role model about marriage was my sister - she has been married for 16 years now - got married when I was 13, she's 8 years older, and they have a wonderful marriage. They have 3 kids and balance everything so well. They spend lots of time with the kids, lots of time with each other, etc. They communicate really well together and I definitely think they have been the greatest influence on my marriage.
Fun to think about! It's interesting how different everyone's role models are!
Interestingly, I think DH and I both turn to our previous relationships to guide ours. We both had a long-term-yet-horrendous relationship prior to meeting, and they are not just a "what not to do" role model, but serve to remind us of what we love about the other. While both our parents are still married, neither are what we want our relationship to be like.
However, our families are role models for our family life in some respects, particularly how we were both raised without "stuff" and were exposed to nature. But I want our children to have more responsibility than was expected in my family, and DH wants education and supervision to be more important than it was in his.
My personal role model are the parent's of a high scool friend. They had satisfying personal lives and retained their romantic and spontaneous relationship. They exposed their children to the world through travel. They prepared delicious, simple, and elegant meals - often with produce from their garden - and always ate as a family around a table and shared a lively conversation. I was so jealous! It's funny that I decided in HS that was the family life I wanted, and then ended up marrying someone surprisingly similar to that father.
DH looks to his brother as a role model for being a father, which is great because his brother is not only an excellent dad, but is really the best role model DH has.