ILs Vent

M.Amy

My ILs arrived yesterday to see DS for the first time.  When my parents came to visit they bought groceries, ran errands, made every meal, did laundry basically when they were here they helped.

The ILs are very different. They called ahead with food requests so DH had to go grocery shopping for them. Last night they sat while DH and I scrambled to make dinner and then sat and watched us as we cleaned up. Never once did they get up to help or even offer.  Then this morning I woke up to a mess in the kitchen and the ILs had left for the morning.

I knew they were not going to help like my mom helped but I had really hoped they would not add to the workload. Sadly I was wrong.  Normally I have an awesome relationship with my ILs but in this case they are being very insensitive.

I am just happy they are here for a very short time and then can go back to speaking with them on the phone.

leffe1

I can see how that would be disappointing. I wonder if they even realize they are acting inappropriately?? How does your DH feel about it?

gotchagomo

Wow, are your in-laws MY parents?? This sounds exactly like my folks--not helpful at all and completely oblivious to what needs to be done. My mom really wanted to come spend a couple of weeks with me after my daughter was born 3 years ago, but I told her absolutely not--her presence would have stressed me out even more. Like you said, your ILs are there for a short time. And it is what it is--I finally had to accept that with my own parents. They aren't going to change. I went around very angry with them for many years because they weren't the parents I thought they should be. Then I remembered all the great things they DID DO for me--college, lots of help $$$-wise (if not practical-wise) when DD#1 was born, babysitting for short amounts of time, etc. They help in the ways they can/know how. Try to think of the good ways your ILs help out and accept that they are how they are. I doubt their "insensitivity" is intentional--I bet they just don't know what you need/don't want to step on your toes/may be nervous around a newborn?

Another theory--my parents have a maid and always have had one (they are now retired and in good health--they don't need a maid); when my sisters and I were born my mom had a baby nurse (nanny, nowadays)--I think my parents literally don't know how to clean well, don't know about babies, etc. and that's another reason why they don't even offer to help.

M.Amy

I spoke with DH and he said his parents are just selfish. He said that they think they are doing us a favor by visiting. He is picking up all of the extra work they are bringing so it doesn't fall to me. But I don't think he should be penalized for having clueless parents.

Who knows, maybe they will catch on that they should be helping. They are smart people.

Interesting enough - it is my parents who have the maid (as do we but we don't have her cook or do laundry). 

UPDATE: MIL just asked to learn how to change a diaper so maybe she is clueing in...

BrideBuddies

Well, lucky or not, but I have no inlaws.

But remember, people cannot read your mind.  Should they have the common sense to pitch in? Sure.  But have you tried asking them to do something?  "Hey MIL, would you mind running a load of laundry for me?"

You may be surprised what happens.

busybea

M.Amy:

  

UPDATE: MIL just asked to learn how to change a diaper so maybe she is clueing in...

This just made me laugh out loud !!!.... Oh my, you poor thing.  I'm sure their actions are unintentional, but still.... {{{HUGS}}}

soon-to-beamrs

I understand how you feel - I believe that anyone staying with you right after the baby is born should really expect to help.  Just remember that they don't know how helpful your parents are so they may really have no clue.  I would have your DH speak with them and let them know that some help would be appreciated.  If he doesn't feel comfortable with that, then I would just do what you can to ease the workload, e.g., delivery/take-out dinners, paper plates, etc.  I also agree with asking for help and see what happens.

JenniferTCU

Oh girl- it would be so hard for me to cater to anyone else for a while after childbirth. I haven't even delivered him yet and DH is already making his own dinner (and he can't cook!).

That situation would be prettty stressful. I agree that the phone will be your friend in the not-too-distant future!

Skyler&Paisley

I feel your pain!  My MIL was exactly the same way.  She added to the workload and didn't help in any real way.  I'm sorry your ILs are like that.  Have DH sit them down and explain what you need help doing--not that it helped in our situation, but it least it spelled out our expectations [cooking, cleaning, laundry] and sped up her departure date. 

My MIL left when I asked her to strip the bed she'd been using for a week and clean the guest bathroom she had used all week in preparation for my Dad coming to town for the next week....  She refused and had SIL pick her up within 2 hours.