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Adoption
Adoption as a first option
Hello ladies,
I've begun lurking on this board and really appreciate all of the questions and answers you all have shared.
DH and I have been talking recently about our future plans, particularly the ones that involve kids. He told me that his strongest instinct is to adopt first, even before we actively TTC. This shouldn't have came as such a surprise because before we were married we both new that adopting we would be a great way for us to eventually expand our family. DH was adopted and I think he feels like he has an obligation to do the same.
We still have a few more years until we're in a position to have kids, but we both know that adopting or naturally ttc can take a longer than expected time....
So, have any of you (or someone you know) adopted first? Any good stories or advice? All I've really heard are about stories of women who end up pregnant around the time of placement 
Two is always better than one, right?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Adoption as a first option
There are at least a few gals on this board who have adopted or are in the process without TTC, or at least not knowing their fertility status (if that makes sense). You may have to be more selective in the agency you choose (if you go that route), since some preferentially work with people who have documented IF. But there are agencies for which this is not an issue.
A study showed that ~8% of women who adopt get pregnant after placement.
My husband and I looked into adopting first. I was adopted, so we knew that we wanted to adopt a least one child, but we also wanted to try to have a biological child.
The agency we want to work with does not permit clients to TTC while also seeking adoption, so we had to decide which we wanted to do first. We are TTC first because my eggs won't be getting any younger during the waiting time for domestic adoption. Good luck whatever you decide!
Yes, my husband and I are adopting and haven't TTC. I think fred did a great job of laying out the different types of adoption, and it's something that I think you should really give some thought to. We chose international (from Peru), older child (between 2 and 6 years old) adoption, because we want to offer a loving home to a child who might not otherwise get that chance.
As with any adoption, you will encounter naysayers. We have come across people who believe that "fertile" people should not adopt, because they are extending wait times for "infertiles." We meet a lot of people who think what we're doing is great, but want to know why we chose to do it first--because we're not getting any younger and may not be able to have any children "of our own" later. We get a lot of questions about why we want to adopt in the first place--after all it's a lot cheaper and easier (in most cases) to just have biological children.
In general, none of these perspectives really bothered us, because we have both always known that we would adopt. We've been called to adoption since we were children ourselves, and we know our reasons and desires are pure. The only time we encountered resistance that really threw us for a loop was when the Peruvian authorities questioned our motives. In fact, they asked us what our "phobias" were about childbirth or biological children, because they just couldn't fathom why anyone who could have biological children would chose to adopt without TTC. To have "adoption professionals" ask us to get an addendum to our psychological report explaining that we have no irrational fears of childbirth or biological children was insulting and angering--especially since we met all their requirements and addressed our motives thoroughly in three other documents in our dossier. But, we bucked up and provided the psychological review, because they clearly hold all the power in the situation. We are currently waiting to hear if we will be approved, despite our possible fertility.
I tell you all of this not to scare you, but to warn you that--even if a country or program doesn't have an explicit preference for "infertile" couples or those who have already had biological children--you may be asked to jump through some extra hoops to prove your motives are pure. We were warned at the beginning of the process that many adoption professionals fear the motives of "fertiles" who wish to adopt, because they don't want them to do it because they want to "save a child." They are concerned that if a person adopts with this "savior complex" attitude, they might not love that child as any other or may expect gratitude from the child throughout their life. We just want to parent and don't feel a need to be biologically connected to our children, and made that clear in all our documents. We never expected the line of questioning we were put through.
Adopting a child is a wonderful way to build your family, and I highly encourage anyone who is so inclined to do it, but I wanted you to know that you may encounter some harsh and unwarranted judgment along the way. I still believe that it is worth it, but it is not an easy road to walk in the meantime.
We haven't TTC either. We are doing foster/adopt on the lower legal risk end of things.
I have always wanted to adopt at some point. I also have a few minor health issues that could be exacerbated with pregnancy and I just really didn't want to take that risk, so we just decided to go straight for adoption. FA seemed to make the most sense for us.
We haven't really had very much negative feedback at all. A few inappropriate questions assuming we were infertile, but nothing all that outrageous, except from my GMIL. I think she's getting over it though.
Good luck with your decision and your journey.
Thanks for all of the input and adivce.
I honestly never thought about there being potential issues because of not knowing the status of your own fertility potential... heh
(coming out of lurkdom just for this question- I never post here but lurk often)...
If we decide to become parents, we will do it via adoption. We have no known fertility problems, but simply desire to add to our family through adoption. We will never TTC for various social, global, and personal beliefs.
I would have to second Captain Serious in terms of the responses I have gotten- for the most part, they have been very negative- none of my family members are supportive of our potential adoption plans nor my friends- I get a lot of "you have good genes, you should spread the gene pool", "you should have a kid that looks like you", or, my personal favorite, "You owe it to H to have a biological child for him".
I've simply stopped telling people at this point that we are considering it because their comments made me very upset. It made my whole desire to adopt much stronger once I stopped getting unsolicited advice that made me feel guilty for not breeding
.
If you listen to your heart and your gut, you'll make a decision that is perfect for you. Good luck! There are people out there like us
(going back to lurkdom- but if you ever want to chat, you can page me over on BNOTB
Neither did I, until we encountered them. That's really why I shared our experience with you. It's been difficult to want to continue at times. Once my husband even said, "I feel like I'm being punished for wanting to do something good."
Honestly, though, I truly believe that this is the right path for us, and I couldn't imagine building our family any other way. If you feel the same way, than I am sure you will get through the process just fine. I certainly am not trying to deter you in any way, I just wanted you to be prepared if you encounter some of these same situations. I wish I had known going in; it would have helped us not feel so blind-sighted.
CaptainSerious-
You don't have to worry about deterring us! That's why I'm asking questions... so I don't feel too blind-sighted. Adoption has always been an option and I think for DH that route probably feels more natural since that was already a part of his life. Luckily, we both also have supportive families and we certainly wouldn't be the first to adopt.
Ah, but we still have time to just enjoy each other right now.
This is a great post. I'm also a lurker...I'm at least 5 years away from adopting (just starting grad school now) but I am dead set on it. I think international transracial (Haiti or Ethiopia) is right for us, but perhaps that will change to domestic transracial.
In any event, we are 99% certain that we could get pregnant if we wanted to. But like pp said, we have a worldview that excludes producing our own children. I have a cousin who has been ttc for more than two years. She is devastated that her younger sister might get pregnant first, and that another cousin of ours just got pregnant by accident. More than this, one side of my family is from the middle of nowhere...I don't think my grandparents ever met a black person. And the other side is super Irish Catholic, blue-eyed and blond-haired. They believe children are a "gift from God" (I'm an atheist) and they seem to be a bit racist.
So I don't anticipate things being easy, both because we'll adopt black children and because we could probably get pregnant if we wanted to...and we know this is what our families expect. My mom is receptive to the idea of adopted grandchildren, but none of our other parents have any idea this is what we're planning. I'm hoping that with 5 years of gentle preparation, my parents will eventually be happy for us.
Adoption is the only option for us; we hope that our families will accept this eventually.
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