invite list for shower

burghbaby

SO after my long post on Friday about not being sure if I was having a shower or not... my MIL informed me this weekend that I am indeed having a shower (planned for Oct 3rd) and she and my mom have been talking about it.  So starts the fun of my mom being difficult.  This may be the first in a long series or posts from me about my shower and my mom

 I've seen this question before but wanted to ask again.  What are everyone's thoughts on inviting family that lives far away to your shower?  My mom does not want me to invite them at all because she thinks it is gift begging.  She thinks I should just send an announcement once the baby is born.  None of my side will be attending this shower most likely because they live all over the place (CA, TX, CO, FL, NJ).  I totally understand them not making the trip for just the shower but do you think feelings would be hurt if they found out I had a shower andthey weren't invited?

And then the next problem it brings up is then my mom feels the shower is all about my in-laws and nothing about her side of the family and she pouts about it.  I don't know what to tell her... I can't make my family appear in Pittsburgh.  DH's side of the family is all within driving distance of Pgh, where the shower will be held.  And MIL has a close group of girl friends that will be invited whereas my mom has none.  She's already making comments about how she thinks the shower should be... she wants to tell MIL how to do it but in reality MIL will probably foot most of the bill. The joy of dealing with my mom

MrsB0701

We were told to go ahead and send out invites to OOT guests. Surprisingly, some of them showed up at my bridal shower years ago. DH wants everyone to feel invited. My family has a thing about everyone getting an invitation regardless so that no one's feelings are hurt. For the wedding, a few people did not receive invitations because a. the mailman and b. my gma said not to send to those few ppl b/c they wouldn't attend anyways, those people now refuse to attend any family events because they weren't invited to the wedding! 

mh2t

I just had my shower this weekend.  We originally did not send invites to any out-of-towners (my feeling was that a shower is not a major event like a wedding or a baptism, and that I did not want anyone to feel like I was expecting them to fly out just to come to a party where people were giving me presents).  A couple of weeks before the shower, we decided to send invites to my MIL, SIL and aunt (all of whom live far away) just so that they did not feel excluded.  We did make a point of telling them that we didn't expect them to come, but that we wanted them to have invites because they were family.  That seemed to work just fine.  I personally would not be offended not to get an invite to a shower if I lived far (unless it was my very best friend).  If I wanted to come, I'd probably inquire whether there would be a shower and express my desire to attend.

Edited to add: I wonder if there is a tactful way to make your mom understand that the shower is really about the baby - and not about her or your MIL.  I think I would try to hammer that home.

Vandy05

We sent invites to out of towner family, we figured it was a good way to let them know we were pg before the arrival of Sara in case they hadnt heard. And actually a couple of DH's out of town family drove 6 hrs to come.I think you should invite them. About your mom, I cant give much advice, but good luck with that!

k.linn

burghbaby:

 My mom does not want me to invite them at all because she thinks it is gift begging.  She thinks I should just send an announcement once the baby is born. 

This. People always seem to argue that OOT family might get their feelings hurt, but in my experience, they're more likely irritated and/or offended. I've often heard my OOT relatives express dismay/disdain at being invited to showers/baptisms/graduation parties.

burghbaby

That seems to be everyone's reaction about my mom... "it's not about her, or my in-laws... or even me... it's about this baby"

I have to figure a nice way to say that.  She was a royal pain in the butt about this stuff when planning my wedding.  I think there is jealousy (not malicious) because we live so close to my in-laws and my family all lives elsewhere.  And I have grown rather close to DH's family over the last 10 years because I see his aunts, uncles, cousins, 2nd cousins... all of them on a regular basis.  My parents are a little less than 4 hours away so they're not far but everyone else is.  I can't do anything about that.