A possibly flameful confession. I think I'm selfish and I hate it.

mags2041

So, I'm due in about 10wks and have been dealing with a very sick brother for the past 3.5mos or so.  He and my mom live out of state, about a 6hr drive away.  They thought for sure they'd have his disease under control by now, but he keeps experiencing setbacks.  I think it may take as long as a year before he's in any sort of "remission", but won't tell my mom that since she's so driven by his ups & downs (and who wouldn't be when your kid is critically ill).  We've all grown incredibly close since he's been sick and my mom & I were super close to begin with.

Anyhow, when I had Luc, she wasnt there for his delivery because he was 10 days early and I had a very rapid L&D.  From the time my water spontaneously broke to the time I delivered was 5.5hrs.  She hadn't even left the house before I had him.  It made both her & I sad that she wasn't there for that, but we got over it and she promised that she would make it to the delivery of her 2nd grandchild.  Before my brother got sick, she talked about how she'd come out super early and stay for awhile afterwards...  I was really looking forward to it.

Problem is now that my brother's health is a day-to-day type thing.  One day he's fine, the next he's having complications.  He's still in the hospital now, in the ICU getting plasmapheresis every other day in an effort to keep him off dialysis.  She is working again, but she checks on him at least in the morning & evenings to make sure everything is going as planned.  My other brother is taking off work to help take care of him full-time.  You'd be shocked at the number of medication/treatment mistakes she's caught - and he's the doctor's kid.  I'd hate to imagine what condition he'd be in if she didn't know what to look out for, but thats a whole other discussion on the need for patient advocacy.

I really don't expect my mom at this point to be able to come out when I have kid #2.  I'm not angry about it, just sad that she probably won't be able to come because my brother will probably still be too sick to leave at home.  It also makes me sad that she hasn't really had the time or attention to talk about or be involved with this pregnancy.  Then, sometimes I hope that she transfers him to the Mayo Clinic out here so that it'll be a given that she's here when the kid is born.  I feel terrible thinking this way, because he's going through way more than any 18yo should and I feel like I'm pouting because my mom can't pay enough attention to me.  But I do feel that way and it makes me feel terribly selfish.

r9stedt

Hugs. No flames here. I can relate having a sick sibling (not near as sick as your bro is). Hope he makes a turn for the better.

sarahjared

I think I would be sad too if I thought I wouldn't get that special time with my mom.  I don't think you are being selfish.  Selfish would be DEMANDING that she leave him or guilt tripping her into leaving him to be with you.  FWIW-I'll bet that this is making her sad too.

oparcm

Wow, your family is going through a lot right now.  Your brother is her baby so I know you totally get that part of it.  That said, I'm sure it will be tough not having your mom at the delivery.  My mother died 3wks before dd was born and I so wanted her to be there and my dad had cancer.  It is not selfish if you are disappointed.  What would be selfish is if you thought that your mother SHOULD leave your brother in the ICU to see you.  Not selfish to want it, selfish to demand it.  The birth of a child is so important but I'm sure your mom feels bad too.  I hope your delivery goes well and your brother improves (I've read your previous posts). Hugs

Kapalua

(((hugs)))  you're not selfish-I'm sure the situation is so hard and emotional on many levels.  Wishing the best for all of you!

AnneUCSB

(((HUGS)))

Brideofranken

I don't think you're selfish- I think you are an amazing sister, and CLEARLY you understand why things are the way they are!

It would be selfish to DEMAND that she drop everything and come to you- it isn't selfish to WISH she could.

I'm so sorry- you've had a hell of a time through this pg. and dude- being this far along in ARIZONA?!? you're my hero.

I'm sorry.

michaeltrish

Just wanted to give you a (HUG).  Call me tomorrow if you can!

mags2041

Thanks you guys... I was giving myself a good flaming over the past couple of days for feeling the way I do.  And then I cry and then I feel selfish for crying over myself and cry more.  MH thinks I'm nutso.

And yes, BoF, 3tri in AZ in July = hot, sweaty, swollen mess.

Glendi2.0

I can totally sympathize... my mom was in the throes of chemo and radiation during the last few months of my 2nd pregnancy and first few months of DD#2's life... it made me so sad to not have her here and to not be able to be there for her (they live in Florida, we're in Boston), but there was also a part of me that was kind of mad that she couldn't be here, and it made me feel like s#!%... in hindsight, I understand now that that was part of me grieving the "loss" of having my mom with me during the birth, but I was too wrapped up in so many other emotions to see that.

Long story short, do NOT beat yourself up for any of the feelings you're having... you've been going through a lot, and to add your baby's impeding birth to the picture is going to drum up a lot of crazy feelings. so long as you can keep the "selfish" feelings in check, I think it's perfectly healthy to allow yourself to feel them.

Kelly Madonna

Ugh, I haven't seen you in ages, and sounds like you could do with a big IRL hug.

Hang in there. I don't think you're being selfish, you're just reminiscing about how you would have things if they were 'perfect'.

SumnerBride

I don't think you're being selfish at all.  You're experiencing a once in a lifetime thing-every birth is different.  And your baby can only be born once, so I understand how you feel.  My mom was there for both of my deliveries.  We're not close at all, but those experiences made me closer to her.  I'd be sad too if she wasn't there for that.

You're obviously a great big sister to your brother and a wonderful daughter to your mother.  Don't beat yourself up about your feelings.

HUGS!!!

REOM

Ditto everyone else. Of course you want your mom there! That is not selfish, it's normal.

Lots of love and hugs to you and your family. You are an awesome sister and your bro is lucky to have you. Hope to hear good news about him soon!

Bellisimo

I completely understand.  And it is astounding how many medical errors are made daily.....it is imperative to have an advocate for anyone who is hospitalized.  I've seen my own family members almost die due to "accidents" caused by nurses (mostly).  ASTOUNDING!