am I wrong to be upset?

lilpiglet

DH will sometimes need to buy tool, ect that he needs for on the job site adn then his work pay's him back.  Well his work owed him between 120-130 dollars.  When his work paid him back, he didn't tell me, he hid the money from me.  The only reason I found out that he got it back was because DS #1 got the pay stub from it out of DH's pants pocket and I took it from him to see what it was.  This all happened about 3 months ago, so I thought maybe DH was hiding the money from me and getting something for me for mother's day with it, well I never got anything, so then I thought that maybe he was waiting till after baby #2 was born to give it to me since his due date was just a couple days after mother's day, but again I got nothing.  I asked him if he ever got the money and he said no, that he would just take an extra vacation day instead of asking them about the money again- so he lied to my face.  He kept taking $$ out of the mac machine and telling me it was to get ice and stuff for work..umm ok but ice doesn't coast 40.00 a week and i pack his lunch so he wouldn't be buying anything to eat. SSOO I thought he was saving up to buy me the blue diamonds that I wanted for our anniversary, well our anniversary came and went and I got nothing.  I finally decided to ask him about it and instead of saying sorry for hiding the money or explaining himself he got mad at me and said f*** you.  So am I wrong for being upset that he hid money from me, I mean why didn't he just tell me that he was keeping the money.  I'm assuming he kept the money to buy scratch off tickets, he has quite the addiction to them adn can throw money away just like that on them, but I thought he was getting better, but now i'm thinking he's falling back into the gambling problem.

 If you made it this far thanks for reading

MelandJeff

Under NO circumstances is it EVER ok to hide money from your spouse.

I would be livid and there would be a huge huge problem. Where is this money going? What is he doing with it?

 

 AND, his reaction to you confronting him? That alarms me more than anything. He is up to something.

Zenya

Does he admit that he's a compulsive gambler?  Is he willing to consider treatment for that?  Have you considered finding support for people married to compulsive gamblers?

JOEBunny

If money is so tight that $120 is a big deal, I think you should cancel your internet.  I would never have even noticed that, much less carried a grudge about it around for what sounds like a long time.  Sure, he shouldn't lie, but the whole thing is a bit controlling. 

Mrs.Provost

JOEBunny:

If money is so tight that $120 is a big deal, I think you should cancel your internet.  I would never have even noticed that, much less carried a grudge about it around for what sounds like a long time.  Sure, he shouldn't lie, but the whole thing is a bit controlling. 

For me, it wouldn't matter if it was $120 or $120,000.

The big deal is lying, not the amount of money he lied about. And it would be a HUGE deal. Forgetting about a small-ish check? That's one thing. Actively hiding and lying - there would be a 'come to jesus' talk happening in our house. 

Aliliv

The F- you reaction is very alarming! That would upset me more than anything and make me realize that he is actively up to something.   The dishonesty is awful!   DH and I don't always talk about every little expenditure, however, when asked we're upfront and don't react with a f-you statement!!!    You have EVERY right to be upset!

Zenya

JOEBunny:

If money is so tight that $120 is a big deal, I think you should cancel your internet.  I would never have even noticed that, much less carried a grudge about it around for what sounds like a long time.  Sure, he shouldn't lie, but the whole thing is a bit controlling. 

Did you read the full post?  Did you see where he's lying about it, telling her to fuckoff and spending it on scratch cards??  

BubblyToes

Absolutely not acceptable.  Ever.  The money, what he said to you, all of it.  There would definitely be a come to jesus meeting in my house.  Actually, it never would have gotten this far.

squishywife

i would be livid.

minnasmommy

MelandJeff:

Under NO circumstances is it EVER ok to hide money from your spouse.

I would be livid and there would be a huge huge problem. Where is this money going? What is he doing with it?

 

 AND, his reaction to you confronting him? That alarms me more than anything. He is up to something.

this.  

Zenya

Also I wonder if you grew up with a gambler/alcoholic or something?  It's odd to me that you feel unsure if you should be upset or not.  And you're kind of casual (in the post) about the gambling, too.  Maybe it's just how it's coming across online but there is no doubt that you should be upset so don't let him make you doubt yourself.

r9stedt

MelandJeff:

Under NO circumstances is it EVER ok to hide money from your spouse.

I would be livid and there would be a huge huge problem. Where is this money going? What is he doing with it?

 

 AND, his reaction to you confronting him? That alarms me more than anything. He is up to something.

this.

r9stedt

JOEBunny:

If money is so tight that $120 is a big deal, I think you should cancel your internet.  I would never have even noticed that, much less carried a grudge about it around for what sounds like a long time.  Sure, he shouldn't lie, but the whole thing is a bit controlling. 

are you kidding me?!? The point isn't the money. It is the lying. And then continuing to take money out of the ATM! $120 is a lot of money to us, and we have a savings and efund, but 120 could be well spent somewhere else. You're being an ass.

littlemermaid

At this point I'd be more livid over your husband saying "F*** You".  If you tolerate being treated like that you have bigger problems than him hiding money from you.

karen6784

I would be upset too.  I think a good long talk is in order.  Good luck! ((hugs))

Amanda&Chris

JOEBunny--I usually like and agree with your blunt honesty, but I think you're missing the point on this one.  It doesn't matter how much money it is.  MH gets a $30 reimbursement each month for his blackberry data service and I'd be upset if he lied about getting it or said F You to me when I asked.

 lilpiglet--There is a lot to be upset about!

1.  He lied.

2.  He reacted very inappropriately when you asked about it.

3.  You suspect him of hiding the money to use for questionable purposes.
4.  He didn't get you anything for Mother's Day, the birth of your child, or your anniversary.

PoundCake

120.00 is a big deal to a lot of people and just because the OP is making it a big deal, it isn't a reason to go and cancel internet. I think you missed the big picture JOEBunny.

I think he's either gone back to gambling if he had a previous gambling addiction or developed a new addiction.  Has his personality changed besides the FU?  Is he becoming more secretive and defensive?  Addicts are also the biggest liars on the planet.  I'd start keeping a eye on things  and maybe seek out some counseling if things start to get worse.

SumnerBride

Amanda&Chris:

JOEBunny--I usually like and agree with your blunt honesty, but I think you're missing the point on this one.  It doesn't matter how much money it is.  MH gets a $30 reimbursement each month for his blackberry data service and I'd be upset if he lied about getting it or said F You to me when I asked.

 lilpiglet--There is a lot to be upset about!

1.  He lied.

2.  He reacted very inappropriately when you asked about it.

3.  You suspect him of hiding the money to use for questionable purposes.
4.  He didn't get you anything for Mother's Day, the birth of your child, or your anniversary.

This.  All of it.

aprilmomtobe

JOEBunny:

If money is so tight that $120 is a big deal, I think you should cancel your internet.  I would never have even noticed that, much less carried a grudge about it around for what sounds like a long time.  Sure, he shouldn't lie, but the whole thing is a bit controlling. 

gibs, is that you?

Yes, you are right to be upset. It's alarming that you're not sure you should be upset.

shopgirl78

I bet there is a lot more going on here.  It seems that you are really controlling of the money but I don't know if its out of need or not.  At any rate I would be upset that:

1.  He lied

2.  Said F you to me

3.  I didn't get Mother's day or anniversary gift

I wouldn't notice if DH hid 120 dollars from me and I don't question where every dollar he spends goes.  If he wants to waste 120 dollars on scratch-off tickets,  I'd shake my head but when it comes down to he works, he can spend his money the way he chooses.  The bills are paid.  The kids are taken care of.  Extra money, DH can do what he desires with.  I wonder if your DH is annoyed that he has to answer to every thing he spends, bring his lunch etc.  (And this is assuming I am down playing the gambling, how bad was it before?)  and FWIW, I "allot" myself 50 dollars each week for incidentals, lunch, sodas, snacks, etc I sometimes bring my lunch and or breakfast...

excitedtobemrs

1. You have every right to be upset.  Over all of it.

and just because it needs to be said:

2. You're a grown woman & I'm pretty sure you're capable of handling your finances without advice from someone on the nest.

3. Keeping track of every single penny does not make one poor...just makes them practical and smart.  I know where every dollar is spent.  It's not controlling, it's having half a brain.

Rebekah1021

Aliliv:

The F- you reaction is very alarming! That would upset me more than anything and make me realize that he is actively up to something.   The dishonesty is awful!   DH and I don't always talk about every little expenditure, however, when asked we're upfront and don't react with a f-you statement!!!    You have EVERY right to be upset!

This. I would cancel the debit cards. Can you go online to see where he has been spending money?

Bellisimo

JOEBunny:

If money is so tight that $120 is a big deal, I think you should cancel your internet.  I would never have even noticed that, much less carried a grudge about it around for what sounds like a long time.  Sure, he shouldn't lie, but the whole thing is a bit controlling. 

Um yeah, I disagree with this.  Money is money.  Lying is lying.  Being told "F you" by your spouse is crappy!  YOU shouldn't have to cancel your internet.  And Joe, it's NONE of your business what they're spending money on or need internet for.  For all you know, she uses her computer/internet for work or something.  Lame response!

If I found out MH was lying, hiding money or anything of the sort we'd have to have a "come to Jesus" meeting over it.  And "F you!" wouldn't fly in my house!  Bottom line is he got caught and couldn't take the heat when questioned about it.  Like a child he lashed out at you when clearly HE was in the wrong.  I'd be getting to the bottom of it and would be wondering what he's spending money on!  

Bellisimo

LOL, and since I never read other responses before I respond to a post I have no idea what other people's reactions were.  I can't believe I'm not the only one who uses the phrase "Come to Jesus meeting"  Great minds, I tell ya!

Brideofranken

Joe- shame on you!

unsupportive and obnoxious, while you are usually blunt and right on. You are grounded, miss. Why would you want to make her feel poor?

 

OP- I am so sorry- sounds like he is guilty of something! His reaction was WAY defensive...innocent people don't snap at their loved ones like that.

I'm sorry there is probably a big ol' fight in your near future, but you are the righteous one- so be strong!! Don't take that kind of talk, and let him know you won't! If hes wasting money, but you can afford it, try to appeal to his sense of reason about where at least SOME of the money could be better spent.

If he is wasting what you can not afford, you'll just have to make him see that if he cant control his spending, you'll need to take over the finances.

camrude

There is not much more I would add because everyone else has pretty much said. Something fishy is going on and the f* u comment is the nail in the coffin in my opinion. You don't respond like that unless something else is going on.