CIO in their carseat?

847Christine

So, I'm still a little annoyed about this post from PAL a few days ago & I just wondered how you all feel about your LO crying in their carseat?  How do you handle it?

MissyOlivePants

This is what she's referring to:

* I still want someone to answer my question about what they do about a child who screams in the car for 30 minutes under AP philosophy.  It's not a judgmental question- I am honestly curious if they believe it can emotionally harm a child.

MissyOlivePants

MissyOlivePants:

This is what she's referring to:

* I still want someone to answer my question about what they do about a child who screams in the car for 30 minutes under AP philosophy.  It's not a judgmental question- I am honestly curious if they believe it can emotionally harm a child.

If it's just me in the car with DD - I will find a safe place to pull off the road & comfort DD (probably nurse). If someone else is in the car, then either I or the other person will comfort her. This happened recently in fact - where I was in the front with DH, and my mom was in the back with DD. I actually ended up trading with my mom because DD only wanted me.  I really don't mind, but I'm sure that others think we're spoiling her by not letting her cry.

m_and_m

Just to be clear, I am not AP-light. I am full on committed to all the principles of Attachment Parenting, a dues paying member of API who hasn't missed a meeting in over a year (with the exception of illness).

So, CIO in a carseat...

If I had a baby that habitually screamed in the car I would limit my trips in the car, simple as that. However, I would still have to go grocery shopping, etc. and we don't live in a walking community so it wouldn't be completely unavoidable. So then you have to figure out the times that seem to bother your LO the least. First thing in the morning? Right after a nap? During a nap? 

 

If it's not a habitual thing, but LO starts crying in the carseat I would try to address the reason why- hungry, tired, wet diaper, bored, just plain tired of being in the car. If it's the last one, then my actions depend on how far we are from our destination.  If we have a ways to go then I will pull over to a park or something and get out and play for awhile. If we're near home then I verbally console DD, mirror her feelings of frustration, and the second we get home I pull her outta there.

A lot of people are under the impression that AP = never letting your child cry, but that's not quite accurate. It's more "never ignoring your child's needs while they cry out asking for help." There are times you cannot do whatever it is your child wants/needs, but you still need to respond with empathy and respect.

EX:

Baby in the Car: Waaaah! Waaaaah!

Non-AP approach: (ignore)

Baby in the Car: Waaaah! Waaaaah! 

Non-AP: *sigh* 

Baby in the Car: Waaaah! Waaaaah! 

Non-AP: Baby, you just need to deal with it. I'm not stopping the car.

 

 

EX2:

Baby in the Car: Waaaah! Waaaaah! 

AP approach: Oh baby, I'm sorry we're not home yet.

Baby in the Car: Waaaah! Waaaaah! 

AP approach: I can hear how angry/frustrated/upset you are at being strapped down in your car seat.

Baby in the Car: Waaaah! Waaaaah! 

AP approach: Look, baby! There's a park 1 block from here. Why don't we go play for a little bit to give you some room to move before finishing our trip.

 

See, the baby still cried in both but the parents response is different. The effectiveness depends on age and temperament on the child, but if you make that kind of empathetic response a habit, then you'll see a difference over time.

847Christine

Incidentally, this was my response: 

 

 

* I don't know if this is what the hard core AP people would say, but Evie has done this a few times on long car rides.  We pulled over to take breaks, nurse, etc. & someone ALWAYS sits in back with her.  I feel like being there to comfort her is consistent with AP philosophy b/c I am conveying to her that I will be there if/when she needs me.  To be brutally honest, if it wasn't illegal, I wouldn't use a carseat.  When Evie is in hers she cries like she is about to DIE. 

* It's funny that you ask this though, b/c I was meeting w/my AP moms group today & every single baby in our group HATES carseats.  We speculated that it's b/c it is the only time they aren't looking at us/touching us/etc.

* I do not worry that this will continue on for years, in case anyone is thinking that.  I truly believe that once Evie has the words to talk about her distress, riding in the car will be something we can work through.  Until then, the only way she can communicate is through crying.

The_Spanish_Inquisition

DS is usually pretty good in his carseat, but if I'm worried that he'll fuss and I'm with DH, I'll just ride in the back with him. I'm hardly ever driving  by myself as we only have one car at the moment, but if I'm alone with him and he's actually crying (not just talking/fussing) I'll pull over and nurse him.

ncbelle

I think there's an important difference - if kiddo is crying in the car, I'm still there talking to him, shhhing him, singing, etc.  He knows I'm still there.  CIO is leaving your to cry alone.

moroccojade

DD is great in the car.

But in the earlier days if she'd cry I do my best to verbally reassure her, reach back and pat her on the head at stop lights, put some music on.  For a very long time DH or I rode in the back with her.  (Did she need it?  Not necessarily.  Did we like it?  erm, yes.     Especially DH.  He was back there with her for *months*.  He works full time and any minute he got to look at her he took full advantage of. 

If she was *really* miserable?   We'd pull over, nurse... take a break. Did it help?  Not all that much sometimes.  Fortunately this didn't happen too often and we weren't too terribly far from home.  So we'd get in, apologizing to DD and just got the heck going.

If I'd had a baby who was ALWAYS miserable in the car?  I'd have limited my trips out.  Our previous home  was in a very walking-friendly area.  Our new place is pretty good, too.  I'd also pray it would get better. 

GretchenlovesMichael

you see, this is why i'm so glad i'm meeting you ladies   i was literally going to post something tonight about this.  my little man hates hates hates the car.  he cries from door to door almost every time.  it is awful, and there have been many times i cried along with him b/c i had no idea what to do.  i have pulled over to nurse, *but* then DD will usually wake up (she almost always sleeps in the car) and fuss b/c of course she doesn't want to be just sitting in a parked car.  (this is one of those moments of MoM guilt.  it is very hard to be the mommy i want to be at all times with two LOs at the same stage of need.  i feel like i'm doing triage a lot of the time   )  and stopping and taking him out and then putting him BACK in the seat is usually worse in terms of his level of stress.

i try soothing talks, singing, white noise on the radio, classical music, reaching back to touch him and hold his hand when i can reach it, spinning the toys on his toy bar.  i limit our trips but of course we do need to go out sometimes.  and once we get wherever we're going he is usually thrilled.  he LOVES being in new places, seeing new things, going to the park, even the grocery store.  when we all go as a family i can sit in the back with the babies, but most of the time i am needing to go out on my own.

i would love to hear suggestions on this.  it is very important to me not to let him cry like he does without doing everything in my power to soothe him.  i hate it, it is so awful....   it breaks my heart as a mommy.

ValerianOddity

DS is still so small that I'm not comfortable having him in the backseat by himself, so one of us (usually me, because I hate to drive) is always back there with him.  I haven't had to address this issue in practice yet, but in theory, I think I'd try to soothe him by talking to him, singing, touching him, offering the paci... and if that didn't work with in 5 minutes or so, we'd pull over and I'd try nursing him. 

If I was in the car by myself, and he was alone in the backseat, I'd probably pull over sooner.  Aside from the potential harm to my child from crying inconsolably in the backseat, I don't think I would be safe driving---I would be distracted, and that's never a good thing when you're behind the wheel of a car.

The_Spanish_Inquisition

Gretchen*loves*Michael:

you see, this is why i'm so glad i'm meeting you ladies   i was literally going to post something tonight about this.  my little man hates hates hates the car.  he cries from door to door almost every time.  it is awful, and there have been many times i cried along with him b/c i had no idea what to do.  i have pulled over to nurse, *but* then DD will usually wake up (she almost always sleeps in the car) and fuss b/c of course she doesn't want to be just sitting in a parked car.  (this is one of those moments of MoM guilt.  it is very hard to be the mommy i want to be at all times with two LOs at the same stage of need.  i feel like i'm doing triage a lot of the time   )  and stopping and taking him out and then putting him BACK in the seat is usually worse in terms of his level of stress.

i try soothing talks, singing, white noise on the radio, classical music, reaching back to touch him and hold his hand when i can reach it, spinning the toys on his toy bar.  i limit our trips but of course we do need to go out sometimes.  and once we get wherever we're going he is usually thrilled.  he LOVES being in new places, seeing new things, going to the park, even the grocery store.  when we all go as a family i can sit in the back with the babies, but most of the time i am needing to go out on my own.

i would love to hear suggestions on this.  it is very important to me not to let him cry like he does without doing everything in my power to soothe him.  i hate it, it is so awful....   it breaks my heart as a mommy.

Have you tried putting a picture of yourself or a large unbreakable mirror in front of his carseat? A friend of mine had the same problem you're having with your DS (crying door to door), and she started attaching a big pic or mirror to the seat back where her daughter could easily see it. Sounds silly, but babies love to look at faces, and her DD LOVED it. Every fews days she'd change between the 2 so she never got overused to one thing. She was so distracted by the images (and no doubt soothed by the image of mommy!) that she went from crying constantly to barely fussing.

GretchenlovesMichael

The_Spanish_Inquisition:

Gretchen*loves*Michael:

you see, this is why i'm so glad i'm meeting you ladies   i was literally going to post something tonight about this.  my little man hates hates hates the car.  he cries from door to door almost every time.  it is awful, and there have been many times i cried along with him b/c i had no idea what to do.  i have pulled over to nurse, *but* then DD will usually wake up (she almost always sleeps in the car) and fuss b/c of course she doesn't want to be just sitting in a parked car.  (this is one of those moments of MoM guilt.  it is very hard to be the mommy i want to be at all times with two LOs at the same stage of need.  i feel like i'm doing triage a lot of the time   )  and stopping and taking him out and then putting him BACK in the seat is usually worse in terms of his level of stress.

i try soothing talks, singing, white noise on the radio, classical music, reaching back to touch him and hold his hand when i can reach it, spinning the toys on his toy bar.  i limit our trips but of course we do need to go out sometimes.  and once we get wherever we're going he is usually thrilled.  he LOVES being in new places, seeing new things, going to the park, even the grocery store.  when we all go as a family i can sit in the back with the babies, but most of the time i am needing to go out on my own.

i would love to hear suggestions on this.  it is very important to me not to let him cry like he does without doing everything in my power to soothe him.  i hate it, it is so awful....   it breaks my heart as a mommy.

Have you tried putting a picture of yourself or a large unbreakable mirror in front of his carseat? A friend of mine had the same problem you're having with your DS (crying door to door), and she started attaching a big pic or mirror to the seat back where her daughter could easily see it. Sounds silly, but babies love to look at faces, and her DD LOVED it. Every fews days she'd change between the 2 so she never got overused to one thing. She was so distracted by the images (and no doubt soothed by the image of mommy!) that she went from crying constantly to barely fussing.

wow - what an awesome idea!!  i am def going to try this!!  thanks so much!