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Let's talk about support for AP
Some ladies have mentioned in other threads that they don't have as much support in living their AP lifestyle as they'd prefer. It seems like AP is becoming more and more popular, but it's still hard for some people to get used to.
What is your "support system" for being a successful attachment parent? Was your DH on board right from the beginning, or did he need some persuasion? What about your family and friends?
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Re: Let's talk about support for AP
My DH was all about AP right from the beginning, before he even realized he was
. We did have a few disagreements (co-sleeping, circumcision), but for the most part he was totally on board with the AP lifestyle. He attended all my breastfeeding classes with me, and is generally very open to new ideas that I present. I'm still trying to get him to wear DS though!
I've got plenty of support from my family as well. The biggest surprise for me was my dad - he's very supportive of all aspects of AP, and honestly I think he wishes he had done it with us. He's very pro bf'ing, co-sleeping, and babywearing.
My DH is also 100% on board. It's odd because we never really discussed how we were going to do this parenting thing overall, we just seem to agree on it all as it comes up. For example, he went to the BF classes with me, and he was the one who helped the most the first few days, reminding me of some of the advice for latching issues and such when I was struggling and keeping me from getting frustrated. When we were both really tired, I said I just couldn't CIO, and he completely agreed. He wanted his own baby carrier, so he didn't have to adjust mine, and I think he wore DS more than I did.
Our friends think we're a little strange, but overall our group is very supportive of each other and takes a "live and let live" approach to it all. Our families are also very supportive -- I think his parents were not so much at the beginning, but now that they've seen how well DS is doing and what a happy child he is, they are on board. MIL talks all the time about what a great job we are doing and how she thinks we have "just the right touch" with DS. And she didn't BF but tells me now that she's really proud of me for doing it. It makes me feel great.
DH has followed my lead. If we ever have a son, the circumcision issue will be a hot one, but overall he agrees w/me on everything else. His family is a mixed bag. MIL is supportive, but not really helpful (if that makes sense?) while BIL & SIL are totally FFing, CIO, etc. so they think I'm weird & that I'm forcing this on DH.
My family is pretty good, although my mom thinks extended BFing is strange. My sister isn't "formally" AP, but she has made a lot of her parenting decisions in the way the AP philosophy would suggest.
We have a mix of friends who are all across the board as far as their parenting styles, so we get some support & some questioning/criticism of our decisions.
**Sorry in advance for how long this is, I have never talked to anyone about this before (outside of the support people listed below) without having to defend myself and I got a little carried away!**
My support system consists of DH, my parents and my grandmother. I would say that the only two people who are 100% supportive are my dad and my grandmother (my dad's mom, who practiced AP with her children, although it didn't have that title then).
DH does support me but he definitely is not as passionate about AP as I am. It is hard for him to hear the consant criticism from his family and our friends and makes him question our choices, so I feel like I have to reassure him a lot that we are doing the right thing. He has been my biggest support with BF from the beginning, and he used to wear DS from time to time. He is a fan of co-sleeping because it allows me to sleep instead of being up with DS all night but on nights when DS is fussy or has a hard time going to sleep, I know he wishes that I would just go put him in a crib. I don't think he would have a problem letting DS CIO, and I think that this is largely due in part to all of the criticism we receive for our AP choices, especially our sleeping arrangement.
My mom, who is supportive of the way we are parenting DS (and even brags to her friends and coworkers about how great of a mom I am and how well behaved DS is) every once in awhile will tell me that she thinks I should let DS CIO so that I can get a full nights sleep with no interruptions and save myself the time of putting him down to bed (sometimes it takes a long time to get him to sleep and she thinks it ridiculous). I know that her intentions are good... but I just get tired of being challenged.
DH whole family is not only unsupportive, but they are vocal and discourage us every time they are around. They have opinions on our sleeping arrangment (he'll never leave our bed), the fact that I am STILL BF (9 months is just far too long apparently), they think that we we spend so much time with DS, we respond too quickly to his "evey whim", he is "controlling us", you name it, I hear it non-stop. I am really tired of defending myself. Even DH's sweet, gentle, quiet grandmother just could not contain her dissapointment in me when she saw me go to DS and pick him up when he started crying over a loud bang from a firework. "Well, my word!" she said, "You can't just go to him everytime he cries."
Our friends, well they are another story...we just have to listen to their stories about how their children are perfect angels and sleep through the night because they have taught them that they can not use tears to "manipulate" them. HELLO- your children have just given up on trying because they know that you don't acknowledge their needs! I just want to pick these babies up and hold them... it breaks my heart.
If anyone even made it through all of that... thanks. Sorry for the loonngg vent! I do feel a little bit better!
Ugh, I'm sorry you have to deal with that! I know I wouldn't be able to hold my tongue if I had people criticizing me constantly.
My least supportive family member is actually my grandmother. She just doesn't get the idea, although I give her credit for at least trying to stay out of it. She does let a little comment out here and there though, mostly about how I "overfeed" DS (because I BF on demand).
As for DH, we are very similar people so the AP way of things comes naturally to both of us. If that weren't the case, I think our marriage would suffer for it.
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We don't have any real support. DH is completely on board...tho we both agree that it is nice when DD sleeps in her own bed so we can have it to ourselves!! (she is a complete whirlwind & bedhog - and it's just nice for the 2 of us to be husband & wife once in a while - not just mom & dad!)
My family doesn't live nearby so they don't say too much... but when I sometimes complain about DD staying up so late & not sleeping enough they tell me to let her CIO and she'll be just fine. Ummm yeah - sure...that's the kind of relationship I want. ha!
DH's mom is near and she doesn't interfere... and then his sister & her family (DH & a DD that is just 2mths younger than DH). They are not APers... and do a number of things that just frankly make me cringe... and then my BIL will try to tell us that his way is the only way. Whatever!!
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What is your "support system" for being a successful attachment parent?
My local API chapter and it's leaders! We also have a very active Yahoo group for the chapters in our area (currently there are two, and I'm working on starting a third).
Was your DH on board right from the beginning, or did he need some persuasion?
He's pretty much followed my lead on all things parenting from day 1. Some things he's questioned and I've explained the science and theory behind it, then he's either agreed or STHU because he knows he won't do any research into other options and I've already done the AP research. He's content to follow the status quo, but I research everything to death so he defers in many cases.
What about your family and friends?
My extended family is all either AP or AP-friendly. More than anything though, my family is very respectful of each others decisions so even when they don't agree they might ask for more info or say they don't like something but then they drop it after that. My mom wants my approval of her parenting so bad that she tries to out-AP me at every opportunity- she completely re-writes history in her own head. It's annoying because I know she's fabricating it all but at least there isn't any resistance.
Most of my friends are AP now, although I have 2 close friends who are not. 1 is the exact opposite of me in all parenting ways and she drives me crazy with her parenting choices because they are all based on controlling her LO's life. We don't talk parenting choices, which is hard. The other is far from AP, but she sees the benefits and while we don't agree on many things it is obvious that every choice she makes is based on what is truly best for their family.
I've really made a point of surrounding myself with other AP families though, so it's a lot less of an issue.
DH and I were APing before we even knew it was a "style". From day one we've done all the B's without knowing. The only thing we did not do was bed share until DD was 4 weeks. she slept in her bassinet next to me in our room. I did not want her in our bed until she was a little bigger. We now bed share since 4 weeks old every night and when Im home for naps also.
DH is my only support system. My mother and grandmother dont really say if they agree or disagree with our choices but my MIL does. She does not think we should co-sleep, BF, baby wear, or not not let her cry, she thinks we should CIO and let her fuss durring the day! I really dont share with may people about the bed sharing b/c whenI do I get the look like I'm breaking some rule! Id rather not even have to feel like I should defend my self. So anyway DH and I agree in everything equally so its nice to have a strong relationship there.
My SO has been very supportive, but I think that it's not so much him supporting AP theory and practice as him supporting me, and trusting the decisions I make in parenting our LO. Gabriel is still small, though, and as we're adjusting to our new family dynamic, I think he's beginning to see the benefits of AP for its own merit. I'm pretty sure his family thinks I'm nuts, but they're respectful, and don't criticize. Strangely, my own mother has been my biggest supporter. This seems odd to me, because she's always been very critical of my parenting decisions with my older DS (who I have parented in a sort of "AP Lite" kind of way, without realizing I was doing so).