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Adoption
Confession- long
Reading about Post Adoption Depression has given me the strength to write this; I don't know if "this" what I have/am feeling but I just need to get this out...
I have waited for the chance to be a mother for a while but it seems like now I am one (I am right?) it doesn't feel "right", I don't have that overwhelming love bubbling out of me like everyone and every book I've read says I should. I mean yes I love her but not I feel a mother should love her child.
DH adores her so much and although I spend all day at home with her it seems like her face only truly lights up when he gets home- its dumb that I'm jealous- yup I said it; jealous.
It pisses me off when people say she looks just like me or they congratulate me for "making" such a beautiful baby; and sometimes I "correct" them but more often than not I just don't- it's beginning to feel like I'm living a lie.
& then I wonder will she call me and her BM "mummy" because we have this open arrangement? DH will be her only daddy so he doesn't get what I'm feeling in this regard...
I'm just so dissapointed in myself for feeling this way. I mean I CHOSE this and CHOSE her and I feel like I am letting her down greatly; what's wrong with me?
Whoever wants to flame can I truly don't care- I just needed to get this off of my chest to people I feel just might understand.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Confession- long
::hugs::
I can't imagine why anyone would flame you. I can't speak to what it feels like to be a post adoptive parent. I know others will be able to offer more support there. However, as a mother, I can tell you that the "overwhelming love bubbling out of you" doesn't happen to everyone instantly. Some people have that, yes. Many others do not. If you visit the 0-6 board, you will see that many biological mothers feel the same way. Bonding does not happen in an instant. It takes months and even years to develop. You have been through a big change, and it takes time to adjust. You will get there though. Your daughter probably lights up when DH comes home, because she is happy to see him. If you were away for a few hours and returned, I'm sure she would light up to see you too. Please do not worry about it. What you are feeling is natural. Hang in there.
No Flames here, only virtual hugs.
As a counselor myself, this is alot more common than you imagine. I bet, because you were brave enough to post this, some other ladies on this board can relate to your post and feel a little better knowing they're not alone. I admire you for that.
Ditto what every one else said, I'm not sure there's much more that I can can that won't be a repeat of someone else's comments. I do encourage you though, to seek out a counselor in your area. Even if you only see him/her for 3-4 times, at least you're working through some of these issues.
3.5 years ago, when DS#1 came home, I could have written most of your post myself (exchange the BM part for the fact that DS and DH are the same race and everyone thinks DH is bio dad). It was so, so hard, and I was jealous and sleep deprived and homebound... but it did eventually get easier.
I'm not going to tell you that it was an overnight switch--DS still shows preference for Daddy on most things. But I AM his mommy in every way.
Hang in there. It WILL get easier. And know that everything your feeling is normal.
I, too, have heard that what you are feeling is completely natural--for both adoptive and biological mothers. It's the often not spoken-of fears and concerns that many new mothers have. I think it just gets swept under the rug more often than not, because new mothers feel that all eyes are on them and they can't bare to let the world know what they are struggling with.
If you haven't yet and get the chance, I highly recommend you read Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother. She discuses what you are feeling among other emotions that she wrestled with in the first year or so. It's a quick read, and I think it will go a long way to helping you realize that what you are experiencing is common.
Hang in there. It WILL get better.
Those feelings don't mean you don't love her or that you are not good mother. Like others have said it takes time to bond and I felt kinda the same as you in the beginning.
When we first got DD it felt more like babysitting or like I was doing foster care again. I was almost afraid to let my guard down and bond with her because I was still unconvinced that she was ours forever. Then I went through this whole time of worrying if she would be mad at us for adopting her, if she grew up wishing she had been raised by her BM and if she would hate us for not having any information about her BM once she starts asking about her. Or if she will be teased in school and hate us because our family is not "the norm". Adoption is a wonderful thing but it can also be very stressful. Hang in there. From the pictures you post she looks beautiful, happy and healthy- you are doing a wonderful job caring for her, just remember to take care of yourself as well.
You are not at all living a lie- she is your daughter regardless of if you "made" her or not. I can only imagine how you are feeling, but know that nobody here will flame you for this, and that you are a wonderful mother to a very lucky little girl. I would take it as a compliment if someone thought such a gorgeous baby looked like me.
Could YH take her for an evening or a few hours in the afternoon so that you could take some time to yourself- or even just so you can come home and see that her face will light up for you, her mom, as well
((HUGS))
No flames from me.
Strangely enough, most of the books i've read have said that it's a 50/50 chance that you won't bond immediately with an adopted child, and that it may take a matter of months for that deep, abiding love to develop. And that it's OK, and that you're not a bad mother for feeling that way.
I think one of my adoption fears is that my child will be confused as to who is the mother in the relationship when it comes to open adoption. I hope it's like all the books say, and that even children are able to figure out that you are the mom, since you're the one who's getting up with her every night, tending to her needs, and making sure she's safe and happy.
I'll be thinking of you. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you right now.
(((hugs))) to you! I am so sorry you are feeling this way. While i can't relate, i can only imagine. I just want to thank you for being open and honest and your true feelings. It really helps me (and others i'm sure) to understand the potential of feelings we might have in the future. I am sure they are normal and natural and i'm sure you aren't alone. Vent anytime you would like, we are all here for you.
I do agree with Captain on the book. I also read "Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother" and it put a ton into perspective for me.
What you are feeling is completely normal of being a new mom whether adoptive or biological. I felt the same way with my DS - disconnected, disappointed that I didn't feel like I loved him, embarrassed about my feelings. I felt it yet again after my DD came home. I just kept thinking, "Maybe if I go through the motions I will eventually feel what everyone says I'm supposed to."
I mean I had a love for them (otherwise there is no way I could have sacrificed so much), but I was really sad that my new normal didn't feel so normal. I had a difficult time adjusting to defining myself as a mother and I didn't know how that fit with being a wife/sister/ employee/daughter/friend/etc. I was just overwhelmed. I loved them, but I certainly wasn't in love with them. A year later my heart sings when I think about them and I finally feel what everyone said I would. It took until Cooper was about 9 months old though (since I was hit with PAD shortly after PPD).
I don't know many women who have felt that overwhelming, bubbling, so in love feeling and frankly I think it's a bit of a myth portrayed by movies. It takes time to fall in love with someone who is so demanding and who has turned your entire life upside down. It's okay to mourn what you used to have and to not feel totally in love with her yet. Give yourself some time. You didn't get 9 months of bonding with her and you've only known her for a few months.
As for the feeling of competing with the BM I can completely relate. My DH was her only dad and didn't understand either. What I realized is that she will always look to me as her mom, but in her reality she has two mothers. This isn't something I could relate to since I only had one mother, but I do have two fathers. As an adoptee, I only have one dad, but I have two fathers. My dad cared for me day in an day out, while my other father gave me some of my genetic make-up. I can't explain it, but in my heart there is room for both of these people in my life. I imagine it will be the same for our daughters. It's only recently that I've come to terms with my daughter having two mothers and she's been with me for a year now!
Nothing is wrong with you. You are normal. I highly recommend you seek out a counselor just to have a safe place to discuss feelings you may feel embarrassed or disappointed about. I used my employer's assistance program to get 8 free sessions...any chance you have access to something similar? Also starting a diary/blog really helped me process what I was feeling. It's amazing to go back and read stuff from a year ago and be proud of where I am today.
Lastly I can't say how important it is to have YOU time even if it's for an hour once a week. You will miss the baby, she will miss you, and you will feel like a million bucks having that sense of the 'old you' back. Do anything - grab a cup of coffee, exercise, get a pedicure, just get out at least once a week without your baby girl.
I agree so much with Sally J. I mean, here comes this little pooping, crying, eating machine who needs SO MUCH from you ALL THE TIME and your life is just upside down. I didn't have the bubbly thing either. Most of the time I wished someone would just "come and get this damn kid already!" and I was really lucky that my MIL would come down a couple of times a week and take me out to lunch, play with the baby, do a little gardening and then leave. She was my saving grace. Also, my BFF would come over on Fridays and listen to me b!tch about motherhood LOL
I would recommend seeing someone. That made things so much better. I also think getting out without the kiddo is key. You have changed so much of your life, just getting out and having time to yourself is like a breath of fresh air. Even if your husband takes her out and you get to relax for a little bit, it helps.
Also, after Edith came home, we got a maid. If you're feeling overwhelmed with taking care of the house and the baby all at once, getting rid of one of those stressors is helpful and can make a huge difference!
I could have written part of your post too. So much of it I also experienced. In my situation, we had a failed adoption (the emom backed out about 2 months before birth, a month before our daughter was born)
.When Shelby was born Jay and I were at the hospital. We were suppose to be in the delivery room but the bmom changed her mind about that about 20 minutes before giving birth. So we were in the waiting room. Which turned out to be a Godsend because she changed her mind about the adoption right after giving birth...but then changed her mind back about 10 minutes later. Talk about stress. She also wanted to keep the baby in her room while she was in the hospital. We were fine with that because we wanted her to spend as much time with the baby (her daughter) that she wanted. But it was tough because it almost felt like we were just "visitors". It was kind of hard to bond with Shelby to be honest because I was always conscious of S and didn't want to hurt her any more that she was already hurting.
We really didn't feel any sense of relief until the 30 day repeal period was up. Jay bonded a lot more quickly than I did but I really think it was because the bfather is not in the picture. Even on Mother's Day, which was fabulous I told Jay that Shelby has known 2 moms and only one daddy.
Now don't get me wrong, I love my daughter and I would fight to the death if anyone tried to hurt her or take her from me. But it was tough...
Then you have to add in just being a new mom. I already felt the pressure of adoption and having everything under a microscope and then add in the new mom emotions,exhaustion, insecurities...OH MY! I would totally feel like I was being judged because perhaps I wasn't a "real" mom but honestly that is total BS. I am a real mom.
My daughter cries...and cries a lot. And deep down especially, in the beginning I would wonder if she was grieving for her bmom.
Then you have to add in open adoption. I love that we have an open adoption but it does add even more stress to parenting and new parenthood. In the beginning I would get emails from S and I would totally read between the lines. Sometimes she would write something and it would just make me feel so guilty. Sometimes, I want to keep some of my life with Shelby just between Jay and me and not share it, sometimes I wish I didn't have to send so many pics. And I don't have to. We send way more than what is expected but at times it doesn't seem to be enough.
And then this past week the first mom called and asked us if we would adopt her 3 month old son. My heart leaped. I realized I had never really let myself grieve for the loss of him. I know he's not my son, but for 4 months I felt like he was going to be. And now it looks like we won't adopt him and I am preparing myself ...again.
I apologize for this getting so long...but I want you to know that what you are feeling is so normal. Adoption is stressful. Parenting is stressful. You mix those two together and it can be quite emotionally draining and play with your psyche a lot!
Hugs. It gets better. I have more good days then bad. I go on playdates with other moms.And that helps a lot. Being social with other moms. When asked about my daughter in public I don't feel like I have to tell her "story".
thanks so much for your post and being honest. it's such weird timing that i log on at this time. i was just thinking about the bonding thing myself on my way home from work (in the car). i kept thinking..... what if i don't bond with my child right way? i guess it just takes time for some of us.
hang in there. your daugher is one lucky little girl!... (((HUGS))))
Mommy, you are completely normal.
We brought Sam home from the hospital and my thoughts at the time were along the lines of "holyshitt, now what?" H says he fell in love instantly...I didn't. It took a little while for me to really think of her as MY BABY! Now, I love her beyond words and she is mine through and through. Don't compare how you love her with some standard you have in your mind....just love her..let it happen in its own time.
You may need some time baby free to remember who you were before this little person showed up in your life. I always say that giving birth gives you 9 months to prepare for the child....in our case (and many others) the phone rings and you are ON!
She loves you...you provide her all of the things she needs to grow and learn and you make her face light up too....dad is also a new face and babies love new things. It's not a reflection of her love for you. Just wait until she is old enough to cry out for you in the morning...its the best.
I hear that she looks like me all the time. She looks nothing like me....but I don't bother to correct them in most cases. It's not their business. If I want to explain I do...no harm in that. Do what you are comfortable with. When she's old enough to know what you are saying, you will probably have a pat answer that will satisfy the question w/o telling all your business.
Give yourself time. You did not fall in love with H overnight, and I assume that your H is not keeping you up all night and requiring constant attention....it's hard to love a little demanding, crying, fussing, poop machine. Let it come....if you need to see someone because you are truely depressed, than do.
No flames here either. ?The instant bubbling love thing is a myth, I think. ?I mean, I love my son to pieces but when he came out of my body and they handed him to me I thought "Who is this? ?He looks nothing like me or my husband". ?There are moments of bubbling love, but mostly it is a getting-to-know-you process and that is where the deep, strong love comes from. ?
Also, you are not living a lie if you don't correct people when they say you "made" such a beautiful baby. ?I assume that the people making these comments would feel no different if they knew she was adopted- they are just wanting to make a comment about a beautiful baby, period. ?And remember that you are "making" this beautiful baby. ?She is beautiful because you take such good care of her. ?She coos at your DH because you spend so much time with her, interacting and smiling and talking to her. ?Every single day you are "making" her who she is and who she will grow up to be.
I'm sure it took alot of courage for you to post something so personal and something not widely talked about even in the adoption community.
It is completely normal. Although you "love" her, it does take some time to get to know each other and for the relationship to grow. With me and DD, and she's always been a Mommy's girl, it was only in hindsight that I could see how the bond built between us. I didn't even realize that she hadn't fully bonded to me until the first time she got sick and only then really gave all of herself to me.
Although it's a different kind of love, the love between and husband and a wife or even a friendship needs time to grow. You need to experience life together, good and bad, to strengthen the bond. Same with kids. We didn't have the benefit of 9 months of pregnancy to have our children "know" us, and they should not also be expected to immediately love us. In our case, with DD at 10 1/2 months old when we got her, there was resistance on her part, but also the built in survival part where she knew she needed to bond to someone. That was me, but it grew with my husband too. It just took a little longer.
There is this fairytale perception that when we have our babies placed in our arms that there is immediate and unconditional love. It's nice when it happens that way, but I remember thinking "What have I done?" when DD was placed in my arms. Now, there is no way I could love her any more than I already do.
Don't be so hard on yourself. It took alot of guts to admit how you're feeling but I was there too. Pretty soon you'll look back on all this as just part of the growing and learning process that is parenthood.
BB&J
don't you think that with every new milestone she reaches you'll get more and more excited about it because you will always be there to see and experience them?