Weird reaction at doctor's appt today

userdeleted

I had my 20 week appt with my OB today. All in all it went well (it was my first actual appt with this practice and I'm so happy I made the switch!).

I am attempting a VBAC with this pregnancy, and towards the end of the appt we were talking about what circumstances would make her suggest that I consider having a repeat c/s. Of course a reoccurance of HELLP syndrome would, but we also talked about getting to a certain point in the pregnancy with no signs of labor - around 41 weeks or so. With that she brought up some natural methods of induction (evening primrose oil, sex, nipple stimulation), and said that she'd probably suggest I start trying those around 37 weeks. 

I said that with what happened with DS that I didn't want to do anything special to make the baby come until at least 40 weeks, and I started tearing up a little bit. She made kind of a gentle "Oh I can see this is upsetting you" comment, and I started crying! I felt so weird and kind of silly, but after that darn article in Parents about late pre-term babies....I don't know, it just really made me feel emotional to even think about doing anything to make the baby come before its ready.

I think I have some guilt about Leo being born early. Technically there wasn't anything wrong with him, it was me that had the problem, you know? Before the c/s the doctor told me that the baby was going to be perfectly fine and I believed him. When he had to go to the NICU I felt like it was my fault somehow, even though I know there really wasn't anything I could have done differently. Just even thinking about possibly having that happen again and having it be "my fault" again - I don't know if I could handle it.

Does anyone else struggle with feeling like this?

SBMBride406

Oh, Rach, you need to hang out here more! We all feel like this! There's so much guilt surrounding having your body betray you and fail your baby. I do feel somewhat better now that Marino is 1...I feel like we are are in a "safe" place health-wise and that had helped me deal with the guilt some.

I posted about the guilt on my blog on Mother's Day. Here's the post:

https://takingontheworldwithourboy.blogspot.com/2009/05/my-1st-mothers-day-ramblings-about.html

I do think it is strange your doctor was talking about wanting to stimulate labor at 37 weeks...I guess b/c an induction isn't possible after a c/s (I'm guessing she explained all that to you) so she wants to make sure you go into labor on your own. But 37 weeks is early, and I doubt those things will do much anyway...I think your body kind of has a mind of its own in regards to labor.

userdeleted

Yes, it was because we know I can't be induced so she wants to make sure I go into labor. I just don't think I feel comfortable with it!

I read your blog post and I can definitely identify with a lot of your feelings. I guess I have tried to not think about it too much - I don't want to be "dramatic." But this pregnancy is bringing a lot of things up, which I imagine will be especially true if I get past the point where I had Leo last time.

Writing this post helped a lot actually though - I didn't even realize that the reason it upset me so much was that I was feeling guilty until I was in the middle of the post. Sometimes these boards can be theraputic

TriciaJoy

Well, I'm not pregnant again, but I can tell you that I've had friends who were using some of these methods to try to induce labor earlyish and it made me terribly uncomfortable, so I'm SURE I'd feel the same way in your shoes.

As for feeling guilty... yes.. I'm not sure those feelings will every completely disappear. They're better than they used to be, but I still feel it. Any time Robbie's sick or suffering.. I think "My body did this to him." And I just hate it.

 

((((HUG))) to you

kamcfarlane

i definitely can relate. i had a previa that kept bleeding and they delivered so we both didn't bleed out. it still kills me to think that my first official act as a parent was for my body to fail my child. it kills me to think that because i couldn't be strong, he had to fight so hard. but (after some serious soul searching and counseling), i have mostly accepted that this is how things are and there's no going back now. i'm a better mommy because of it.

and in terms of random crying - i completely lost it when i went to an affiliated hospital for a gallbladder ultrasound (when DS was 6 months) because they use the same stickers for arm bands as they used on his chart in the NICU and we used on his EBM. i bet they all thought i was out of my mind!

feel better soon and hope you have a completely uneventful 20 weeks!!

Mrs. Destructo

STOP THE BUS! I had NO idea your son is named Leo too!! It's such an unusual name! One of my 2 is a Leo !! How did I miss that my Leo has a preemie name twin?

 Enough of me being rediculously excited...

Being a preemie mom is SO freakin hard. So hard. My kids are almost 2, and I walk around with a huge guilt burden every single day. Still, nearly 2 years later, there are days when the guilt nearly suffocates me. I've found that the best thing I can do is to stop reading all the negative articles that are published about preemies/preterm babies. We ALL know that our kids' early arrivals put them at a greater risk of all kinds of issues. Re-reading about those risks in these articles just makes me feel awful - it doesn't help my kids in any way, shape or form, and doesn't change a single thing about them. Take my word for it - STOP READING THOSE ARTICLES!!

And do what you can to take care of yourself. I can't imagine how scary and stressful a pregnancy after a preemie is. I'm way, way too scared to ever try again.

userdeleted

Mrs. Destructo:

STOP THE BUS! I had NO idea your son is named Leo too!! It's such an unusual name! One of my 2 is a Leo !! How did I miss that my Leo has a preemie name twin?

 Enough of me being rediculously excited...

Being a preemie mom is SO freakin hard. So hard. My kids are almost 2, and I walk around with a huge guilt burden every single day. Still, nearly 2 years later, there are days when the guilt nearly suffocates me. I've found that the best thing I can do is to stop reading all the negative articles that are published about preemies/preterm babies. We ALL know that our kids' early arrivals put them at a greater risk of all kinds of issues. Re-reading about those risks in these articles just makes me feel awful - it doesn't help my kids in any way, shape or form, and doesn't change a single thing about them. Take my word for it - STOP READING THOSE ARTICLES!!

And do what you can to take care of yourself. I can't imagine how scary and stressful a pregnancy after a preemie is. I'm way, way too scared to ever try again.

lol! I have noticed your twins before. I told DH we need to name #2 Drake because it goes with Leo according to "the nest", and he said that matching someone on the nest is not a good enough reason to use a name, haha

I know, I really should just stay away from it. The thing with my Leo is that he really is pretty much fine now. He had his issues in the beginning, but as he's gotten older I think he's mostly caught up in all the visible areas. Of course the Parent's article got me thinking about all the things I can't see that might end up coming out later. It kills me to think that there isn't anything I can do and I have no idea if there will even be any issues. It's good to be informed I guess, but I can see that doing too much "research" would probably just add to my anxiety about Leo's development and this pregnancy. 

eta: You did have a drake, right? I thought that's what I remembered, but I just realized the names aren't in your siggy anymore. Ignore me if that was totally out of the blue, lol!