Is this an unreasonable request? — The Bump
Blended Families

Is this an unreasonable request?

My s/o's son is 7 (turns 8 in August.) He lives with us sun, mon, tues, and every other saturday. He spends the rest of the time at his mothers. We only live about 2 miles away from each other.

His mother & him live in a 1br apartment (that is all she could afford) @ first they shared a bed, then after much badgering from my s/o she bought a fold away bed that is next to hers. According to the boy, he rarely slept in it and would always crawl into her bed. Now her brother has moved into the apartment so he is sleeping on the boy's old bed. And he is back in the bed with his mother. (can you imagine 3 people in a 1 br apt..not fun!)

Anyways my s/o knows that her lease is coming up and he wants to "request" that his son has his own room. I would feel bad if she could not afford it, but I think it would be good for him to have his own space as well.

So, what do you ladies think? Is he oversteping boundaries to make this request? Is it valid or should he just let it be?

Re: Is this an unreasonable request?

  • I don't think he is over stepping his bounds to ask, it would be over stepping bounds if you asked her though. He can certainly ask, it's his kid, but he better expect BM to say she can't afford to do that. I think at SS's age, he should have his own room. If not his own room then his own bed. Three people to a one bedroom is a few too many in my opinion.
  • imageDREWLILY:
    I don't think he is over stepping his bounds to ask, it would be over stepping bounds if you asked her though. He can certainly ask, it's his kid, but he better expect BM to say she can't afford to do that. I think at SS's age, he should have his own room. If not his own room then his own bed. Three people to a one bedroom is a few too many in my opinion.

    Agreed. I certainly would never ask her! LOL. Everything ab the child is b/w her and my s/o - I  stay out of it!

    I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks he needs at least his own bed.

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  • Be prepared for her to request more in CS then if she cannot financially afford it...

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  • There is no reason why a 7, almost 8 year old boy should be sleeping with his mother!! when SS visits his BM there is a similar situation (she lives in a motel room.. one room.. with her mother and FI... plus SS on the off time she actually sees him). We do everything we can to make sure SS has his own 'space' in the room when he is there. At that age a kid needs his space!!

    Now that she as her brother living with her, anything tht he can put towards rent should help them be able to afford another bedroom... doesnt have to be anything big.. just a place where SS can sleep... alone!

  • mhwoodmhwood member
    I used to live in a 1 bedroom apartment...my daughter slept in the bedroom, I had a futon.  Your DH could also suggest that to her.
  • I would think that is would be common sense that an (almost) 8 year old boy should not be sleeping in the same bed with his mother. I think dad should ask.

     My DS is almost 8 as well. I'm sitting here wondering how you could live in that small of a home with an 8 yr old. I sometimes think out 3 br home won't be big enough. Kids come with a lot of stuff!

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  • The situation sounds pretty 50/50 so I am guessing there is no CS paid.  (Of course I could be wrong).  I don't think he is wrong in asking but he should expect a "i can't afford it" type answer and not really expect anything to change. 
  • 1)  Is it all she can afford?

    2)  Is your S/O prepared to pay her more support in a month so that this could be paid for?

    Seriously, people. If your faith in humanity is destroyed because your parents told you there was a Santa Claus and as it turns out there is no Santa Claus, you are an ignorant, hypersensitive cry baby with absolutely zero perspective. - UnderwaterRhymes
  • Reese1717 you're right. There is no cs paid. The only thing s/o  is responsible for is all day care costs, lunches during the school year, and insurance. The rest is split 50/50.

    As for her affording it. Obviously I don't know her entire financial situation. It's not like she's working for minimum wage. She has a bachelors degree & is working on a masters. S/o told me once she makes about 30k/year. This seems like it would be enough but on that note i've never had to be financially responsible for things & i just don't know if that would cover it. Also, the child has come over (this has stopped recently) and made comments like "my mom doesn't have any money" (awkward.)  

    sprky79- No he's not. Whether you agree with this or not he just doesn't think that is right.

  • imagetifanico:
    You know how much CS you guys pay and if you consider that its enough to help pay a rent in a better place  then by all means do it. If she is not it would come across kind of insensitive. Of course is nice for him to have his own space but it money is tight then don't push it. If he still sleeps with her mom I would assume he wants it that way.

    I guess the part of coming off as insensitive is what I'm worried about. He does make more $$ than her, and making her feel like sh*t about "not providing enough" isn't anything I think he should do.

    And part of the problem is him sleeping with her. My s/o doesn't agree with it (and I support that.) he thinks someone of his age should NOT be sharing a bed with his mother. He knows that the boy asks & she doesn't enforce the rule. He thinks if he had his own room he would be more inclined to sleep there & it would be easier for her to follow through with him not sleeping in the bed.

  • I don't post a lot, I normally just lurk. I will tell you that I am a BM and if my DD's father requested that I get a two bedroom apartment I would be asking him if he was going to pay for it.

    Also if she only makes 30K a year gross, that is only about 24K after taxes. I know in my area a two bedroom apartment can fun at least $1200.00/a month. 

    I think unless your husband is willing to pay the difference between what she pays for a one bedroom and what a two bedroom cost, I don't think he has the right to make such a request. 

  • She most likely can't afford more than that, and the brother probably had to move in so that she could afford that much.  30K gets you precious little in my city, I can't imagine Houston is much better.  And with grad school tuition and child expenses?  Forget it.  Unless you want your stepson to have her very own bedroom in the middle of the ghetto.

    What is your husband prepared to do to help this desire of his become a reality?  Souds to me like if your biomom wanted to, she could file for establishing child support and could find herself getting more money from you guys than you're paying right now.  Do you really want to risk it?

    Based on what you've said, I don't think she can afford anything bigger.  Since you say your husband makes more, if its that important to him, he can pony up the $$ to make it happen.  Otherwise he can deal.

    Seriously, people. If your faith in humanity is destroyed because your parents told you there was a Santa Claus and as it turns out there is no Santa Claus, you are an ignorant, hypersensitive cry baby with absolutely zero perspective. - UnderwaterRhymes
  • I have been a single mom only making about 30k a year which is very hard to live off of as a single mom, even if bf is helping out and if I hadn't  had my family a one bedroom would have been all I could afford if that. I don't know her, but most people don't live like that because they don't "want" a bigger place. I doubt that she likes her situation or wants to be in a one bedroom with her son and her brother. I see how her situation could be reworked, brother could sleep in the living room on the couch and son could have his own bed, but it's not your place to tell her this. So in my opinion, it is kind of unreasonable to ask this. Unless of course she's driving a mercedes and going on shopping sprees every other day but that doesn't sound like the case
  • Obviously he should be sleeping in his own bed, or on a futon or Mom should be on the couch or something.

    Having his own room is more of a value than a standard. It sounds like they are living in poverty.  I'm guessing the Mom wishes she could have her son have his own room.

    Is your SO willing to pay her $ to help make this happen?  If not, I think you are expecting too much.

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  • imageKarma1969:

    Obviously he should be sleeping in his own bed, or on a futon or Mom should be on the couch or something.

    Having his own room is more of a value than a standard. It sounds like they are living in poverty.  I'm guessing the Mom wishes she could have her son have his own room.

    Is your SO willing to pay her $ to help make this happen?  If not, I think you are expecting too much.

    Trust me, they are not living in poverty. These apartments are super nice. And she drives an almost brand new car. I get what yall are saying, if she could truly afford it...then she wouldn't choose to live that way. (or so we hope.)

    Thanks for the input ladies.

  • imagesprky79:

    She most likely can't afford more than that, and the brother probably had to move in so that she could afford that much.  30K gets you precious little in my city, I can't imagine Houston is much better.  And with grad school tuition and child expenses?  Forget it.  Unless you want your stepson to have her very own bedroom in the middle of the ghetto.

    What is your husband prepared to do to help this desire of his become a reality?  Souds to me like if your biomom wanted to, she could file for establishing child support and could find herself getting more money from you guys than you're paying right now.  Do you really want to risk it?

    Based on what you've said, I don't think she can afford anything bigger.  Since you say your husband makes more, if its that important to him, he can pony up the $$ to make it happen.  Otherwise he can deal.

    Well she lived there quite awhile on her own without the brother so I don't think that is the issue. He told my s/o that he moved to Houston to be closer to his son (he was living in FL, and has an ex wife & a son in Houston.). And not that it really makes a  bit of difference in the situation but Houston is extremely LCOL.

    She may be able to establish child support, and no we don't want to do that. I doubt she would though. She didn't even get an attorney when they got a divorce, which is prob. most likely why we don't pay. To be honest, I can't believe she agreed to it.

  • Would you rather your husbands son live in a crappy neighborhood but have more space?  Would you rather her drive a crappy car that is less reliable?

    You aren't making me feel much sympathy for you.  You guys are in a much better financial place than her, pay no child support, she pays for the roof over your stepson's head, the food on his plate, the gas bill, the water bill, the electricity bill, and you guys kick in far less than what she is.  AND, she's doing it on about 2K/month.  Since you've admitted you don't actually ever handle finances and would not know if that is enough, I'd tell you in Chicago, 30K is not enough to afford much more than what she's affording right now and not live in some shady neighborhood.  AND, you don't know how well she was managing w/o the brother's help.  If I were her, I'd go to the courthouse, fill out the pro se paperwork to establish childsupport, and watch how your attitude about her living space changes when all of a sudden you guys are not only paying what little you're paying now, but 1/3 of your net income also.

    Either pony up the money so that she can move into a larger space or STFU.  You guys don't sound real nice.

    Seriously, people. If your faith in humanity is destroyed because your parents told you there was a Santa Claus and as it turns out there is no Santa Claus, you are an ignorant, hypersensitive cry baby with absolutely zero perspective. - UnderwaterRhymes
  • imagesprky79:

    Would you rather your husbands son live in a crappy neighborhood but have more space?  Would you rather her drive a crappy car that is less reliable?

    You aren't making me feel much sympathy for you.  You guys are in a much better financial place than her, pay no child support, she pays for the roof over your stepson's head, the food on his plate, the gas bill, the water bill, the electricity bill, and you guys kick in far less than what she is.  AND, she's doing it on about 2K/month.  Since you've admitted you don't actually ever handle finances and would not know if that is enough, I'd tell you in Chicago, 30K is not enough to afford much more than what she's affording right now and not live in some shady neighborhood.  AND, you don't know how well she was managing w/o the brother's help.  If I were her, I'd go to the courthouse, fill out the pro se paperwork to establish childsupport, and watch how your attitude about her living space changes when all of a sudden you guys are not only paying what little you're paying now, but 1/3 of your net income also.

    Either pony up the money so that she can move into a larger space or STFU.  You guys don't sound real nice.

    LOL. I certainly was not looking for your sympathy. I originally asked if it was unreasonable to make this request. You shot back with was he willing to to pay more $$..I said no. You think that if he is not willing to pay then he should shut up about it. That's fine. I was simply asking for yalls opinons. I was NOT arguing with you. I was simply correcting you about your beliefts on the brother moving in to help her pay the rent.

    Of course I would never want the child to live in the ghetto or drive around in a crappy car. Trust me, they don't! We ALSO pay for those same exact bills she does she's not a victim because she has to pay electricity.

    No offense to her, as I did not know her or my s/o when they got divorced but she agreed to this set up. She was not forced against her will. If she did not like it she could have taken him to court. I refuse to feel guilty that my s/o doesn't pay c/s when she agreed to that. This was not a judge's descsion it was decided in mediation.

    P.S. I did admit that my s/o makes more money than her. I did not say how much more & I never said that we are in a better financial situation than her. I don't think you should go around saying that when you have NO idea.

  • Just wanted to add, your SS having his own room is no guarantee he'll sleep there.  Co-sleeping can be a hard habbit to break.  My SD's BM had a two-bedroom apartment and SD still slept in bed with BM until they moved to a new home with BM's boyfriend.  Now, obviously, BM wants her boyfriend in the bed instead of SD.  I'm sure it wasn't pretty when SD found out she wouldn't be sleeping in BM's bed anymore. 

    Also, I know a custodial SM and in her DH's custody order with his ex, it states that the child must have her own bedroom and the BM is not allowed to have roommates.  Also, the BM only sees the child every other weekend, so they pay no CS to her in order for her to have to maintain a home. 

     

     

  • I live in Houston as well and you can get a very nice 2 bedroom here for under $900/month.  Even a 1 bedroom with a den would be better than a straight 1 bedroom.

    Maybe presenting alternatives would be better than asking her to get a 2 bedroom?  Can the brother sleep on the couch in the living room?  Can they get a futon to use as a couch/bed for him?  3 people sleeping in 1 bedroom is not acceptable (the apartment complex probably has rules regarding the number of people allowed in a 1 bedroom as well), and an 8 year old boy sleeping with his mother is not acceptable either. 

    We went through this with my SD (when she was 5-6) sleeping with her mother at her house, but being perfectly fine with sleeping in her own room at our house.  It was 100% for the benefit of a needy BM than anything to do with the welfare or fears of my SD.

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  • If she could afford it she would.  I think it's a good idea to figure out alternatives.  We had a one bedroom with a loft for a while and the kids had their beds in the loft.  BM has a 3 bedroom house with her mother.  SDs are 6 and 8 and they NEVER sleep in their room.  One sleeps with the grandmother and one sleeps with BM, they switch nightly.  They have their own room at our house.  Even if he did have his own space, he might not use it!

    Maybe when she gets her masters she'll have better earning potential.

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  • I guess I'm the lone dissenter. I think as long as mom isn't sleeping buck ass naked, I don't see that big of an issue with him sleeping in the same bed as his mother, especially as this is likely what she can afford. I have only slept in the same bed with my kids when visiting the in-laws while H was deployed and let me tell you, sleeping with a short little bugger isn't fun.

    It is possible that instead of paying child support which your H seems loathe to do even though he's unhappy with the living arrangements and knows it's due to money, that perhaps he might be willing to pay for one of those bunkbeds that has a twin up top and a full size bed on the bottom?



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