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Working Moms
Need help - concerns about nanny
Sorry but this will probably be a little long.....
I went back to work on June 1 and we hired a nanny to stay with DS. She is probably in her late 30s, Cuban, and very nice, although her English is quite limited. I was sort of nervous about the language barrier, but she was warm and seemed fond of DS from the get-go, and she's nannied for some friends-of-friends who were happy w/ her, so we went ahead and hired her.
She has an 11 yo daugher and 13 yo son who are polite, nice kids. She asked us and we said it was ok for her to bring one of them each day this summer while they're out of school.
Since we've hired her we have had some concerns though. She seems like she puts DS in the swing an awful lot. We try to drop by the house randomly to check in on them. When we get home late in the afternoon it's generally his naptime. So, I've seen him either sleeping in the swing or her holding him while feeding him or having just fed him. One of her kids is always with her and the TV is always on.
I have been worried about how much she actually plays with him -- gets on the floor w/ him, reads to him, does tummy time, walks him around the house and points things out to him, etc. I'm also worried she does very little talking to him -- even though I've encouraged her to sing/talk/read in English and Spanish -- and even bought some English/Spanish baby books. I have a basket full of small toys and books in the den along w/ a blanket we always use for floor play. But I've never seen her using any of them. I even pulled two out the other day and said "he really loves these" -- but I don't know if she read them to him or not.
What really upset me most was yesterday when I got home, the nanny went to put something in the kitchen and the daughter says to me "He pretty much watched tv all day"
I haven't explicitly told her NO TV but I do NOT want him watching TV. I am really concerned with his language development if all he is doing is being passively held/watching TV/swinging. One of the main problems though is the language barrier. I am not sure how much she will get even if we sit her down and explicitly explain we want MORE interaction, NO tv, and definitely want reading/tummy time/etc every single day. Even if she understands me, will she do it? If her instinct is to just let him sit there, will she really do what we ask while we're gone?
I am miserable being back at work and so anxious about other people caring for him -- now this.
Tonight I am calling her previous clients, who gave her a good report when I called earlier (she watched their son from NB - 8 months). I am explicitly asking them about interactive behavior.
My husband and I plan on sitting down w/ her and really being detailed (how much will she understand?) about what we expect. But I am terrified about whether she'll actually comply! We tossed around the idea of a nanny cam so that once we have the talk we can ensure she is following through. A girlfriend gave me a log (eating/sleeping/activity) for the nanny to keep so we could try that too. Part of me just wants to start interviewing other nannies and once we find one, tell her we're putting him in daycare and give her a few weeks notice.
Any thoughts/advice?
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Re: Need help - concerns about nanny
Oh gosh - what a horrible situation. I'm so fortunate that my nanny won't turn the TV on at all. Well, you definitely have to sit her down and talk to her. Is there anyone you can call that speaks spanish to help with the talk? Maybe one of her kids can help translate? Then either install the nanny-cam or try to come home at different times of the day for a while to see what is happening. Not sure what else you can do except look for a new nanny which I know is awful. I guess see how the talk goes and go from there. Maybe start researching a replacement just in case.
Good luck!
xo
Honestly, your baby is safe and well fed. The TV is probably on all day because one of her kids is with her and that's how she's keeing them occupied since there's no age appropriate toys for them at your house.
And yes, her kids will say that the baby watched TV all day because they have no idea what else 3 month old babies do. I mean, he's still immobile so most of the time he's just going to be looking at stuff. Looking at stuff=watching TV in a kid's mind.
If you want her to start doing more things with your DC, ask that she take him on walks daily. That's a pretty easy request. As your child gets a little older your nanny will naturally interact with him more. He'll start reaching for things and becoming more interested in the world around him.
Not everyone will do things the exact same way that you do them. Even if you find another nanny she won't do things exactly the way you would do them either. I'd stick with her. These are the kinds of things that can be ironed out.
Thanks for everybody's perspectives. I will welcome anymore thoughts as well.
To clarify a few things: This nanny stopped with the previous family because they moved about 30 min away and at that point he was old enough for them to feel comfortable with daycare.
And of course I'm interacting when I am home with my son.
But my husband and I are both residents and work a lot. I have a lot of guilt about not being home with him more....which plays into these concerns, I'm sure.
Follow your instinct. Don't mess with a nanny cam, etc. If you are not 100% confident, move on. Find someone else, and give her notice.
We had *almost* found someone and got cold feet for the same reason -- language & communication issue. She was from Ecuador. Had great references, etc. But she was not what we were looking for. We went back to the drawing board and are still looking but we are confident we will find what we need. Put your needs on paper in a short contract so that there is no misinterpretation of your expectations (X walks/day outside weather permitting, X minutes of tummy time X times per day, activity mat, etc.
This is serious matter. It's about the safety and development of your child. She's not just house sitting!
GL!! (for what it's worth we've found very good candidates on care.com)
This.
This is hard. Yes, your baby is safe but you are not getting the care you expected or are paying for. If you and your DH are working a lot you need to have peace of mind. You need to know that the person spending all of this time with him is interacting with him and engaging him! For me, this is one of the greatest benefits of having a nanny. If you are going to be happy at work, you need to be happy with the care your child is receiving. You will not be a productive and happy employee if you are constantly wondering if you LO is plopped in front of the TV with your nanny's kid.
The first few months of work were tough for me, but now that I see how much my son benefits from having our nanny in his life (she teaches him things I wouldn't even think of!), I feel really good about the situation. You need to feel that way too. Especially since you're a resident! You obviously have a great career ahead of you... you need to be able to concentrate on that when you're at work
There are a lot of great people out there that would give your child the attention he deserves. I would start interviewing other people.
Totally understand your concern - I've been there. First off, set limits on the TV time. My nanny knows it's 30 minutes MAX and that's only after lunch and before naptime (primarily for my 3 year old). She is allowed to watch TV when both kids are napping, but I made it clear that if the baby was up - NO TV.
I also set clear guidelines on what I wanted her to do with the baby each day (my DD - 3 is easier since our nanny had previously been a teach at her daycare/preschool). I explain 3 session of tummy time, each 10 minutes, 2 stories/day, etc.
Part of having a nanny is letting go - no one will ever care for your baby like you will. It DOES get easier - but I will readily admit the first 3 months I considered getting rid of our nanny several times - and most of it was really more about my issues (I'm type A and controlling) and not being explicit enough setting expectations with my nanny and/or setting MY expectations at an appropriate level.
I'm a very well organized and controlled person. My expectations were high for the nanny and I had to put some of those expectations on the backburner but at the same time, I chose someone that was ultimately an extension of me. I applaud you for choosing someone of a different ethnicity. The language and communication adds a lot of value to their development. However, it sounds like you're stomach isn't settled well with this current situation. I advise to start looking for someone else before you LO becomes attached to this nanny.
My nanny brings her older children somedays when they're out of school but my DC loves it because that means 2 people to entertain him! The older child sits on the ground and plays with him and helps her mother out. She'll bring her own things like pens and paper for drawing. When he was your LO's age, the nanny brought her own scarf to make a sling to carry him everywhere, they went on multiple walks daily and she talked non-stop to him, which I'm now seeing as a benefit to his language (he knows more Spanish than English at this point!). There were a tons of things to do at that age and I agree, TV should be off all the time. Music is a good alternative if she doesn't like the quiet.
If it were one or two things you wanted changed then getting a translator and telling the nanny what you want is a good idea. But it sounds like you have a list of things and that given how she lets her older ones watch a lot of TV I wouldn't say she has same parenting as you.