Another 1st timer on this board :) (long)

kaylamarcus

Hi ladies,

It's so encouraging just browsing through your posts and seeing that there are so many other people who have great families in these crappy situations.  You guys are so strong and informed--it's really awesome.

I just got married a few months ago and have a little honeymoon baby on the way.  My husband has an almost-12 yo daughter who lives about 6 hours away.  They are very close--talk on the phone 2-4 times a day.  He and bm were never married, and while she is difficult and rude and manipulative, she is not abusive or an addict.  She is remarried with a sd the same age as my sd, and has a baby also. 

Anyways, this whole situation is so confusing and stressful, mostly because we live 6 hours apart.  They have never had a child support or custody agreement that was court ordered, but my husband has always paid child support monthly (by check directly to her) and has always talked to his daughter daily and seen her on a regular basis. 

Since we got engaged bm has made it a lot more difficult to see her daughter, of course.  My dh and the bm both originally lived in the same town, then bm wanted to move away with her (then) FI.  My husband agreed (this was before we were together) because he wanted to move to another town (where we now live) about 3 hours from where they wanted to go.  He said they could move if she would meet him halfway every other weekend, and she agreed and complied for months.  She then wanted to move again, and he did not.  He said again that if she would meet him halfway every other weekend, it was fine.  She agreed, moved 6 hours away, and stopped complying as soon as we got engaged.  In the past year, she has met him half way ONE time, while my dh still lives in the area they both moved to, and she lives with her husband and my dh's daughter in the middle of nowhere 6 hours away...not even in the original city they were both from.  To make matters worse, we live in 2 different states.

I am so uninformed about these laws, and do not know where to find reliable info.  Anything I find on the internet is conflicting or confusing and aah!  My dh and sd are upset because they can't see each other nearly as much as they'd like, I'm upset because when they do get to see each other, my dh is driving 24 hours in 1 weekend and all the burden of transportation falls on us, etc, etc....

I'm sorry this is so long--I don't have any friends or family members dealing with these issues and it just feels so overwhelming and crazy sometimes!  I just don't know if we should really push to go to court and get a schedule set up, because I have no idea if it's standard to meet halfway or what.  I don't want to go through all the stress and money of going to court if nothing will change, and sd still won't get to come be with us very much. 

Any advice (if you've made it through this looooong and confusing and ignorant post!!)?  I'd appreciate anything you guys know about situations like this....tia

 

kjanderson

Wow.  I'd take all this information and meet with a lawyer and see what they think.  Hopefully DH has proof of all his CS payment to BM...bring those with you.  Get out a phone book and call around...see who does free consultations and visit a few of them.  That's where I would start.  GL

mhwood

I agree...talk to a lawyer for a free consultation.

Good luck!   I hope you get this resolved.  It's not fair to your DH or your SD.

 

 

DREWLILY

First, welcome to the board. You'll get a lot of good info and support here. Second, go see a lawyer. BM probably does not like the fact that you are around and obviously aren't going anywhere since you married DH. So now she becomes difficult. Go see a lawyer and get something court ordered, that way if BM doesn't want to play by the rules, you can file contempt of court against her. Good luck and keep us updated.

RedHeadedLeo85

How about agreeing to a bus ticket EOW? She is old enough to ride by herself. Might save you some money...just a thought

Pokes

The fact that DH is voluntarily paying support, doing all the driving to see SD, and already had agremenets for mid-way exchanges will definatly be a help in the long run.

At this point you definatly need to get a lawyer to try to figure things out. They will know the ins and outs of the laws, esp with 2 states being involved.

Currently we have similar issues (except its BM not willing to come get SS for visitations) and live in 2 different states. For us all of the rules we go by are for the state in which they lived when DH and BM divorced. Since your DH and BM were never married I would suspect that rules would be based on the state where SD was born... which if thats where you live... could make things a bit easier.

Phantomgirl

Thread carefully here, how did DH work out the CS?  The first thing I would do is go to the state (SD lives in) CS calculator and see what your DH should be paying. 

You might get your CO for transportation and end up paying more CS, health insurance and more. 

I know your SD is only 12 now, but in a short few years she will be old enough to take the bus to meet you guys, make sure it is worth rocking the boat for those few years.

Also I can totally relate to the traveling aspect of it, my brother drives about 15 hours every second weekend for visitation - it sucks!

 

CaelenEsq

I agree with Phantom about the CS. You definately want to focus on the whole thing and not just transpo. I definately feel ya on that. We're only 3.5 hours away from SD but we are the ones that drive up there and get a hotel and stay. We try to get up there once a month and are preety good about it. We are TTC one of our own so I can imagine how it's going to be with that in the mix.

Good luck and welcome.

kaylamarcus

Wow, thanks ladies for all the advice!  You all managed to get through my wordy complicated explanation, woohoo!   

I think you guys are right that it's the best thing to do to just get a free consultation with a lawyer.....I'm assuming that a good one would advise us to just leave the situation as is if we would end up getting an even worse deal out of a cs and co through the courts, right?  Like some of you said, if she can start riding a train/bus in just a year or so then it might be worth just riding it out if a court order would mean more child support and no more help with transportation from bm.  But a lawyer would be able to say if, in our states, we would get more help if we did go through the trouble of going to court....hmmm well I will definitely run this all by dh and we'll make a plan. 

Thanks so much you guys---this board is seriously great.  You are all so devoted to your families and so welcoming!