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Stay at Home Moms
Or maybe I need a thicker skin.
how do you handle flack about being a SAHM?
I'm a new SAHM and would have gone back to work about two weeks ago if I hadn't decided to stay with my LO. I've had some interesting reactions when people ask me what I do and I tell them I'm a SAHM.
- One of my husband's coworkers said that he could never do what I did which he imagined is "watch game shows all day." He was under the impression that babies only need to be fed 3 times a day and then otherwise don't need any other attention. My husband is trying to educate this person.
- An FU followed by "You have it so easy! I wish I could do that!" from a pregnant woman who plans to return to work. This one, I actually don't mind because I know I'm fortunate to be able to stay home, but another woman chimed in with the exact same words but she doesn't have any kids and isn't pregnant. I simply said that yes, I'm very lucky but that SAH does have it's challenges and that I am keeping current on my professional work so that I'll be able to return after LO is in preschool. I didn't say how my husband and I have made choices over the years to try to make sure that we would have the option of having me SAH and that SAH wasn't an impulse on my part to become idle. It was a really hard decision and I know that getting my career on track after baby is going to be hard.
Or maybe I need a thicker skin.
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Re: how do you handle flack about being a SAHM?
Even if the answer is a bit off of the question, I ALWAYS reply "Isn't wonderful that at the end of the day, we women have that choice?"
Then I change the subject by asking the person a very personal question. Sort of a 'turning the tables' thing.
Many women get what I just did, ie - how do you like being put on the spot? - and never bother me again.
I don't get flack. The standard reply I get is "that's great" or something similar.
But if someone decided to make a smartass comment, I'd probably reply sarcastically about how much I love sitting on my butt, eating bonbons, and screwing the pool boy.
Interesting. I also do not get flack.
I will admit though I felt tremendous guilt for being able to SAH with DS the first few months while DH worked. It was a hard adjusment but now I love it and if anyone does ask about it DH is the first to say it was what we wanted and we wouldn't have it any other way =D
I think in most (not all) cases, people?criticize?or make comments because they don't understand. ?My experience has been similar to yours in that that people doing the talking are women who have yet to have children, or men who are either completely uninvolved fathers or childless. ?I'm fairly certain any parent (whether SAH or WOH) would agree that raising and caring for kids is a full time job. ?If you SAH you are taking on the entire load of that job, with little or none of the care being delegated to anyone else. ?
Most of the comments I get are how it must be so much easier to now be a SAH than be a WOH mom, because I did both. ?For the first 8 months of DD's life, I worked and then I started SAH (just like you, not an impulse, a thing we'd always planned on, etc). ?What I get a lot of now is "how much less hectic my life must be" "how it must be nice to relax all day" etc. I try my best to explain that both have their upsides and downsides, and in my own experience both are hard work in their own ways. ?I've found it helps if you explain why you chose to stay home. ?It isn't so that I can lead a more leisurely life. ?For me, I chose to stay home so that the biggest influence my daughter?receives?is from me, not a stranger. ?I also, selfishly, do not want to miss a minute of anything
?When I communicate to others that my point in staying home is so that I can be the one engaging my daughter in learning, creativity, and loving affection, it seems to make more sense to them.?
?
I've gotten tons of negative comments and lots of flack - ESPECIALLY from my parents (and my mom was a SAHM!).
I think you need thicker skin. People will always make comments about your life choices. You need to just ignore them and let them roll off your back.
I smile and nod and don't say anything. I've learned that I don't need to justify my choices to anyone. And I refuse to sit and explain myself to people that really don't care because they've made up their mind and judged already.
Hang in there!
Totally agree - I have 3 kids under the age of 4, and my 2YO is a SCREAMER right now.
I STILL get flack though - everyone tells me that my kids are spaced TOO close together! LOL!
You can never win!
I saw my dentist this past week and the first thing he said to me is "Are you still just a stay at home mom?" ?JUST?
I was really mad but smiled and said "I have the privilege of being able to stay home with my DD." ?And he said "Well, that's not what I mean..." and tried to back-track. ?He used to remember me from my medical sales career and is confused why I would leave my job for my child. ?
Hmm....
It does bother me, but I always tell people how much of a privilege and honor it is to be able to stay at home. ?Most moms want to, they just can't afford to do it.
At the end of your life, will it really matter how many hours you worked at the office??
Let people think what they want to think. Who cares. I haven't gotten flack from people- the only comments I did get was from old co-workers when I came in to say goodbye. My boss was great about it, but some others in the dept made comments like "You never struck me as the SAHM type" and "with all your education you are going SAH?"
But I did get great encouragement from my MBA mentor who was a SAHM herself for a few years- she told me it was a "great choice" and that "your family will be happier, healthier." She was right. We still keep in touch and she is a great contact for if and when I go back to work.
I also remember years ago my next door neighbor who is a SAHM as well told me one day (when her then 3-yr old was having meltdown as she was taking her out of the car) "It is easier to go to work!"
People who make comments like those are so ignorant, they're just begging to be educated a little bit... truth be told, I didn't have a clue what staying home with a baby entailed myself 'til I did it, so I cut people who haven't done it themselves a little slack when they (mistakenly) assume it's easy. They just don't know, and I'm happy to give them a little insight.
We live in a time and place where its perfectly socially acceptable to pry, push for personal information and then when said information is given or even hinted at - its also seemingly acceptable to give their full on non-professional but very invasive feedback which often includes backhanded complementary criticism!
I personally HATE HATE HATE when people ask "What do you do?" (without knowing me or anything about me) and then when they get my answer they have some even slightly snarky response. I'd never walk up to someone, ask what they do and when they tell me they're in marketing say, "So how do you sleep at night knowing you willingly lie and mislead people for your own profit?" or if they said they're a doctor, say, "How does it feel to be part of a machine which lies to people about their personal options and strips people of personal and constitutional rights. How does it feel to overmedicate children?" [not that I personally believe the above statements - just making a point]
People need a re-education in tact, class, and appropriate conversation!
I always say, yes, it's so great. If they want to know more about what it's like, I tell them, but most people are just making chitchat.
People are going to think what they're going to think. I can't possibly combat all the misinformation/jealousy/thoughtlessness out there. So I don't. My life makes me happy, and doesn't hurt anyone, and in the end, that's all that matters.
I've actually never gotten any flack. If anything, a few people said things like, "You're staying home, right???" As if to imply that I better be, or then they'd judge me.
Either way, there will always be judgmental/ignorant/jealous/etc. people out there. If they are that into your life, they must not be too happy with their own.
This is so interesting that you posted this because I was just talking to my husband about this tonight.?
I am at the point of telling people to lay off about it... Tons of people have asked if I am going back to work or staying home. My reply is I am going to be a STAHM, but am going back full time with school and have two children one in Kindergarten and a newborn... so I will be busy a lot!
There response is "oh really well I guess if you can afford to." It is really old and it's like how can you say that! It does bother me I don't know if they are jealous that we can do it on one income or what but seriously that is the comment I get all the time. I do know that people who are like that are typically not happy or have something riding up their you know what...?
It is so hard to hear that stuff and not take it personally, who likes hearing people mock their jobs (for some, it's their life's ambition to be a SAHM!)?!?!? ugh...
Luckily, I have heard nothing but envy in people's voices and gotten pats on the back for my role in being with my daughter here at home but then again, I just don't care what people say or think and I honestly wouldn't even reply to comments like that... I'm sure the annoyed "you have got to be kidding me with this" look on my face would get the point across. And if it didn't, me walking away surely would.
eclaire 9.10.06 diggy 6.2.11
The only flack I have gotten so far is from my sister (who, incidentally, hates children, hates the idea of being pregnant, and had her husband get a vasectomy at age 25 so she could go off the pill). She has two things she says to me on occasion. One - I can't imagine not having a job, I would be so bored. Two - letting me know that I am not a feminist because I am choosing to spend my time at home taking care of my family. Here I thought feminism was about giving women the right to choose how they live their lives? Its not like my husband is "making me" stay home.
It doesn't really bother me, though, because I understand that to my sister, the idea of staying at home caring for a family would be sheer hell, whereas for me its a dream come true.