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Adoption
CaptainSerious
member
I'm so upset
CaptainSerious
member
in Adoption
We just got the clarification we've been seeking. They want us to explain why we want to adopt if we are "fertile." It seems they can't imagine why anyone would.
The letter from our psychologist has to explain:
* that, to our knowledge, we are physically capable of having a biological child;
* that we have not TTC because we made a commitment to adopt;
* that we will not TTC while we are awaiting placement from Peru;
* why we want to adopt if we can have children biologically; and
* that we may TTC in the future.
Our lawyer's e-mail actually said that they want to know if we have had any miscarriages or just don't want biological children...and if we "just don't want biological children" they want to know why not...including (in his words):
if there's any phobia, fear or health complication on any of them for having one.
I'm beside myself with fear that they will deny us simply because we might possibly be fertile. I'm so...upset, scared, angry, lost. I want to scream and cry. I want to know why this is so difficult. Why I feel like I'm being punished. Why (other than financial considerations) I shouldn't just throw in the towel and adopt domestically. I'm practically shaking.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I'm so upset
Ugh - so sorry that you have to deal with this. Especially since you said this was already done for the most part.
Yes, there are many reason why someone is called to adopt. I just don't understand why "they" think some reasons are better than others.
You want to adopt a child, enough said.
Sorry you have to go through this.
My Blog
I wish I could give you a big hug.
Okay ... step back for a second. When you made the decision to adopt, did you not prepare yourself for questions that family and friends and maybe even strangers might ask about WHY you are adopting?
I think that a majority of people who do adopt, do so because of health issues or fertility issues.
These seem like natural curiosity questions to ask of someone who is not TTC and unaware of medical or fertility issues who wants to adopt . I know you don't want to hear that. I am NOT condoning the implication here that perhaps they are going to discriminate against you because you have not TTC and may or may not have IF issues. YOU should be just as able to adopt as ANYONE else who meets other minimum requirements.
But ... perhaps, the government just doesn't see a lot of people come there way to adopt who have not had fertility issues. From their perspective, it is a long wait ... it is a lot of money ... and a lot of times people don't "put themselves through all of that" unless they have "no other options". Just look at it from their side, which may NOT be educated in adoption or the reasons, psychology behind why people choose adoption.
Does that make sense at all? I know on the surface this looks like they are judging you or planning to close the door to you because you just might be fertile ... BUT ... if they weren't interested in allowing you to adopt then they wouldn't have asked for all this clarification and all these questions they woul dhave just shut the door and denied you, right?
So the ball is still rolling. Answer the questions, I'm sure that prior to this you had already thought through these types of questions and your reasons for choosing IA instead of TTC. Right? Answer them honestly and heartfelt and see if you can include a short statement or something so that you can personally tell them in your own words why you wish to adopt a child from their country instead of TTC.
(((BIG freaking HUG)))
We have answered these questions. The first page and a have (and more) of our application letter dealt with this topic alone and in depth. It was also extensively addressed in our homestudy and two pages of our psychological report. If that's not enough, I just don't know what else I can tell them.
Are you using an agency? What did they suggest ?We went through this when we were adopting our oldest son from Russia. ?We were in the orphanage talking with the orphanage director, doctor, and our translator, trying to figure out how to present ourselves to the judge because we too had not tried to have biological children before we were adopting. ?Apparently this is so crazy to other cultures, they couldn't fathom our desire to adopt if we "could have our own." ?
In the end, we just said we wanted to adopt and it was our desire. ?My husband has a cousin who was adopted from Russia in the 90's, so we said that as well. Is there any one close to you who has adopted that you could use that as inspiration? ?
?Good luck! ??
I don't know. I keep coming back to the pastor who's family was denied because the Peruvian authorities were afraid he was only adopting to "save a child." At least he was able to appeal and have the decision overturned, but how do you appeal a decision that says you aren't capable of being a good adoptive parent if you can have biological children?
If they really think that, why don't they just make an infertility diagnosis part of their requirements?!?
Okay. I'm just trying to find some 'light' in all of this. :-( Maybe make sure that what is sent to them using simple phrases, words and is straight to the point? UGH!
Yes, they are the ones who suggested that the letter include the bulleted points.
Yes. We have several family friends who have adopted, and my husband's father was adopted by his father. We've detailed this all in our dossier. Apparently, that is not enough.
We want to parent children STOP There are children without loving homes STOP We have a home and lots of love to share STOP We do not care if we are biologically related to our children STOP!!!!!
BenandSuzy, I wasn't yelling at you. Please don't think that.
I'm just so angry. That final paragraph is directed at the Peruvian authorities, not you.
Man oh man...I'm so sorry CS.
I would be bothered by this too. :::hugs::
I'm so sorry. I'm not even sure what to say. I don't think they are saying no, but I don't understand why you have to answer these questions again. I also don't understand why they didn't ask you more questions about this when you started the process a year ago. It seems a little late in the game for these questions to be coming up now.
Everything will work out the way it is supposed to, but I know this must be beyond frustrating for you. ::hugs::
I'm with the others --- this is something that would bother me , especially if you've already explained all of this to them. It's crazy what they want from people!
Hang in there! I hope things go well!
Wow, those seem like ridiculous questions to me. If someone is having a biological child they aren't interogated about why they chose that route. I have to say that I disagree w/the above quote about most people who adopt do so because of fertility issues (but I admit I don't know the statistics).
I'm so upset for you!! I'm not sure if I ever told you, but were this close to adopting from Peru, but I just couldn't handle the wait times). And we're also fertitle (at least to our knowledge).
I found a lot of agencies by us wouldn't work with us at all if we didn't have a doctor's letter saying we were IF, which isn't fair if you ask me. I've always, always wanted to adopt and have no clue why it has to one or the other. It's very frustrating and makes me angry.
Please keep us update because I've curious what will happen. Good Luck!!