How to approach with DH?

kmb0806

Hi,

DH and I have not begun TTC yet and probably won't for at least a year.  However, lately, I have been feeling a desire to adopt internationally.  This is not something we have discussed - at least not in detail and not recently, and I am wondering if I continue to feel that pull, how to bring it up with DH in a way that does not sound so completely out of the blue(even though it is). I'm not sure how comfortable he would be with the idea of adoption at all(in the US or outside).  If we have dicussed it previously, I think it was pretty brief and was in the case of IF.  Recently I have begun thinking of the two independent of each other, as in, not adopting just because of IF, but more for humanitarian reasons.  Any advice is appreciated!

Dr.Loretta

In our case, i just brought it up. We had discussed it in the abstract and it started to become more concrete in my mind, so I just asked him how he felt about it, was he open to it, and when he was, when he wanted to look into it.

I don't see anything wrong with telling him what you told us--you feel a pull toward international adoption, you're looking to do some research, and you wanted to know his feelings about it.

maddieg78

i definitely suggest telling him what ure telling us.. that u feel this desire and that it isn't a situation that u r doing bc of infertility.. just be honest.. understand that he may not be fully on board and discuss all of that... his fears and y he has them.  GL!!

lilmufish

I would do a little research, so if he has questions you'll be able to answer. Then i'd just bring it up one day when you see a story about adoption, or you're talking about kids, etc.  I do recommend, gaining some basic knowledge though it will help in the conversation.

 

jacksjerseygirl

I honestly believe that communication is the most important thing in a relationship. You should feel that you can openly communicate about anything in a relationship IMO.

I would just bring it up - not in a formal way and don't throw a bunch of facts at him. I think the worst thing you can do it is keep something that is important to you inside.

Even though DH and I knew adoption was the path for us from the beginning and he knew that we would 'one day' build our family through adoption. I started doing research MUCH sooner than him and I basically had our agency narrowed down before I brought up 'again' when we should start. I think for him, he felt that he was behind and felt overwhelmed at how much I knew. I think he wanted to take that journey of educating ourselves together - which we did end up doing - he read almost every single book that I did and has gone to all of the in-person support groups and learning sessions that I have. But I think he would have appreciated if I let him in sooner so he didn't feel so 'dumb' about adoption.

Jessie*J

lilmufish:

I would do a little research, so if he has questions you'll be able to answer. Then i'd just bring it up one day when you see a story about adoption, or you're talking about kids, etc.  I do recommend, gaining some basic knowledge though it will help in the conversation.

 

Ditto! And as it's been said before just bring it up! That kind of openess is necessary in a marriage!! GL