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Adoption
jacksjerseygirl
member
HTT - post adoption depression
jacksjerseygirl
member
in Adoption
Do you believe in it? I came across a book written about this topic in the Adoptive Family magazine that came today.
I think that adoptive families (perhaps more so mothers) are under a lot of pressure to fall in love with motherhood and immediately bond with their child. Most often times in adoption you have waited years, maybe have had family and friends help fund your journey and perhaps it feels like all eyes are on you. And, after years of TTC, IF treatments, and waiting for the child to come into your life, perhaps the adoptive parents 'build up' parenthood into something it isn't.
Even biological moms often talk about how it has taken months to feel fully bonded (which is different from loving) to their child. Some have even talked openly about how it has taken them months to not 'hate' being a mom.
Discuss ...
This discussion has been closed.
Re: HTT - post adoption depression
I had it. It was the worst time of my life I never knew it existed until I had it, and I wouldn't ever like to repeat it. I started seeing someone who specializes in PPD and she said it was pretty much the same thing. Did you know that men can get PPD too? I had no idea.
I think it is really interesting. I read that some of the chemical changes in the brain that associated with PPD (relating to biologically delivering a child) can also occur for adoptive parents which can aid in the PAD (post adoption depresssion).
I definitely think it's possible. The huge life change is big enough, but with a newborn the sleep deprivation factor has to be taken into account. It's well known that dramatic alteration of sleep patterns can affect mood.
Our SW already told us to prepare for a rough ride. I'm 35, set in my ways, and used to 8-9 hours of sleep a night. The first year of mommyhood will not be a picnic for me. I'm sure it will bring great joy, but there will also be disappointments and exhaustion like I've never known.
I intend to have my friends and family keep a close eye on DH and myself for signs of mood changes and whatnot so we can be proactive about dealing with it.
some folks touched on it but there's the 'what's the new obsession' part of things too.
And I don't mean that to sound as harsh as it probably will but, it's very easy to focus on the next step. You focus on college graduation then you focus on getting engaged then you focus on the upcoming wedding then you focus on buying a house then you focus on having a baby...
When there's a lot of work in that focus, like what most people w/ trouble TTC/looking at adoption face, it's easy to focus on acheiving the step and then be a bit at a loss of what to focus on next--I mean, obviously you focus on the kid but day to day work isn't the same as having a huge milestone to aim for.
I experienced both PPD and PAD and I can say that PAD is very real and for me identical to PPD. It took about 3 months with my son to feel better and right after that my daughter came home and I got PAD about 2 months after she had been home. It lasted about 3 months. I was able to just see a therapist and deal with it through cognative behavior therapy.
It was awful, completely awful. It was more than just hating being a mom. I never wanted to be home or around my children. I was angry at my children and my husband. I had visions of hurting both my children and my husband (that's when I really knew something more than baby blues was wrong). I felt disconnected with my life, like I was watching someone else's life on a movie screen. I was exhausted but I couldn't sleep. I couldn't focus. I had several crying episodes a day at work. I felt out of control.
Please don't flame me for being honest. I wish more women were honest about what they dealt with for PPD because I think it would help other women to recognize the signs. I had many signs right of the bat with my son, and when I tried to express the concerns to my doctor she brushed it off as me being exhausted from being a new mommy. It was my husband who urged me to go talk to someone and I called my Employee Assistance Program to find a therapist.
If you think something doesn't feel right I encourage you to ask other mommy friends about their experience and to seek help as soon as you can. No need to suffer.
Thank you for sharing. I wonder if adoptive moms (who are impacted by PAD) remain silent on the issue for fear that it could harm their finalization?
I think post-adoption depression and bonding issues are 2 different things altogether.
And yes, I believe in PAD.
I think depression and/or anxiety are very real and can hit anyone at any time of their lives - especially after going through such a life changing event like adoption.
When I just took Owen to his 1 year check up a few weeks ago his pediatrician asked me how I was feeling and how I was holding up. She said she worries so much about her adoptive moms because she sees us putting so much pressure on ourselves to be "perfect", more so than her biological moms (of course, this is a generalization and there are exceptions to every generalization).
I expressed to her how I do feel a lot of pressure because I know Owen's birthmom put such a tremendous amount of trust in me and I never want to let her down; consequently, I feel like I have to try to be that "perfect" mom so that I can continue to earn the trust she placed in me. But, because it's impossible to be a "perfect" mom, I sometimes end up feeling like I'm failing Owen and failing his birthmom.
In addition to those emotions, I feel like I can't ever really complain (for lack of a better word) about any of the hard parts about being a mom or talk through my feelings of inadequacy with my family or friends because my DH and I worked so hard to get a baby and wanted a baby so badly, I don't want them to ever think I'm being ungrateful now. Does that make sense?
Of course we are not ungrateful, being a parent is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me and I love Owen more than I ever imagined possible. I just never expected to feel some of the things I feel.
Please don't judge me for saying any of those things.
You said this perfectly. The bolded paragraph is exactly how I felt, although I didn't want to hurt my husband. I wanted the kid to leave, I wanted to escape, I felt like I had ruined my whole life. There were times I had to put her in her crib screaming because I couldn't trust myself not to hurt her. And to make it all the worse, I felt like a total failure, a fraud and I was incredibly embarrassed because DD was all I had ever wanted.
My best friend had gone through a situational depression when she was going through her divorce, and she basically forced me to seek professional help. I mean she called my insurance, found a dr., babysat my DD for my appointment and I think she would have driven me if she had to. I do believe she saved my marriage and possibly my life.
I hope no one else ever has to go through this...I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I tell my story because I want other parents to know so they can get help as soon as possible. It is not at all worth it to try and stick it out on your own.
I'm so glad to see this as a topic. It is so real.
On another board here on the nest I remember someone making the big announcement they were going to adopt because she didn't want to go thru PPD again after she gave birth to her child. Two of us tried to educate her on PAD. I don't think she ever "got it."
We discussed PAD as part of our homestudy classes. I had never heard of it previously, but do believe it's a very real issue. I think it is def something that should be discussed even if it is just getting some literature to read and discuss w/ SW.
The adjustment can be really challenging and the sleep deprivation is no picnic for sure, but all very worth it:)
I COMPLETELY, 150% agree and relate to this! My DH understands my stress with being a new mom, a new mom SAHM (at least for the summer). I do feel like I can't complain to family or friends about 'new mom' issues and perhaps some that are unique to adoption because I should be 'grateful' (and I am) for our son and therefore should not complain.
I also feel like I am stuck with online support. I don't totally relate to the 0-6 board because I think some feelings are unique to adoption (and there is too much drama-rama there to really feel like it could be a support board) and I feel like complaining about mom issues on the adoption board might be uncomfortable for others who are still waiting to become moms (again, the thought that I should just be grateful and put up or that others will think to themselves 'just be grateful and put up' lol).
Anyway ...
I actually believe they are highly connected. If you don't feel that bond and if you are under pressure, stress and anxiety about being a new mom anyway - the lack of feeling bonded and any negative feelings you might have about the adoption or the child only adds to the potential deep depression/stress.
I'm so glad (in a selfish way), now that I've read through these posts ... that even mild depressive feelings about adoption and the adopted child are not isolated to me!
Sometimes I wonder how the human species has managed to survive though in general!
I have to say that my experience on the 0-6 months board was positive. I was a new mother with the same concerns those first few months wether I gave birth to my daughter or adopted.
I guess my response is the same. I believe that they are highly connected and not two entirely different things.
ETA: I do acknowledge that there is not absolute connection but I do think that they are 'highly' connected. In most articles I have read about PADs, bonding seem to be high on the list.
It seems that PAD is very common when adopting internationally as well of a non-newborn. In several articles/studies I read, it is estimated that as high as 65% of those surveyed that adopted IA experienced PAD.
https://www.adoptionarticlesdirectory.com/Article/Post-Adoption-Depression---The-Unacknowledged-Hazzard/53
https://www.adoptionissues.org/post-adoption-depression.html
This, but much more eloquently than I stated
My mom had PPD with me, but still tells the story of how she instantly bonded with me after I was born. Yet a few months later was begging my dad not to go to work because she might hurt me if left alone with me.
We recently got some literature from our SW on PAD, so I'm off to read it tonight.
I can relate to this as well. The feeling of needing to escape, that I had made a mistake, that I could just give the baby back, not trusting myself not to hurt them, felling like a failure/fraud and definitely embarrassed about my feelings. It's why I waited so long to see someone...the embarrassment was too much.
For me it was about not bonding but it was also very much about an overwhelming sense of loss. For bonding I felt disconnected from my DS and then I felt like I didn't know my DD. My sense of loss was from a loss of many things: a loss of my life prior to children, a loss of myself, a loss of my relationship with my husband, a loss of not being pregnant any more, a loss of not having more time with just my DS, a loss of time with my DD, etc.
I'm glad others are becoming aware of this issue.
And for all of you adoptive mommies here...I would love to share more with each other. Some issues are not just parenting issues, but adoption related and this is the only board on the nest I feel comfortable sharing. I think this board is very understanding and I would hope the women who are still waiting for their child will support us in sharing the trials and tribulations of mommyhood.
I totally agree that PAD is the big, dead elephant in the room. And it's not just a letdown after the anticipation of the adoption--to say that is to do a disservice to the women (and their families) that experience it. Nobody wants to hear that you're depressed--after all, you've finally achieved your dream and become a parent! You should be on Cloud 9! Admitting it to your social worker is even harder--especially if you haven't finalized. Because as crappy as you feel, you don't REALLY want anyone to take that precious child away.
I had PAD with both my sons, made worse by terrible cabin fever (maternity leave in Jan. and Feb., in Chicago). I experienced the same things many of you mentioned--the crying jags (especially in the middle of the night!), the feelings of disassociation, the desire to have somebody--anybody--take the baby away, even for a little while.
Being an adoptive parent is hard. It's often difficult to determine whether an issue is based on your child's personality, or on their status as an adopted child. It's hard to have to explain to people why you're reluctant to do CIO with your 16-month-old, who STILL isn't sleeping through the night. Most parents don't understand that adoption ISN'T a single event that takes place ONE DAY in a courtroom.