Would you have another?

isabel68

My 21 month little boy has an ASD, which one, we don't know.  He is really newly diagnosed...  We are totally shattered but are on it and getting him help privately as well as with the state.  However, we always wanted a 3rd baby and now that this has happened, I don't know if I will ever be able to have another despite my husband's desire for another.  Would you have another child if you had one little boy diagnosed on the spectrum knowing that there's a risk of having another with the same diagnosis?  If you are going to be critical, please don't reply here.  I only want to hear from moms of special needs children who know the kind of situation we are in. 

breezy0629

My son with ASD is a lot of work & there is a big burden on my shoulders as his mom... but he doesn't require the amount of work that some more profoundly severe children could. I do feel that in the future, given the right support that he will be able to be independant.....  There are so many different situations that no one answer is right for everyone.

 I assume that your question is part due to the fear of a future child with SN & part due to the amount of work/attention that the child with ASD takes.... Those are the 2 things I always think about....

Having said that, I am SO thankful that before we knew anything about his ASD, DD was 4 or so months old. They are 18 months apart and she has been the BEST thing for him. Thus: I never had to make that decision. So far, we have had no concerns with her development.

A couple examples.... he NEVER and I mean NEVER attempted or even tolerated a straddle toy such as a scooter. As soon as DD gained interest, he couldn't keep his hands off!  Also, he has a peer to practice with 24/7. His language is mostly labels/echo/etc... but we model all the time "Thank you" "My turn" etc... The way he uses his language with her isn't 'typical', but it is so awesome to see him spontaneously use what he has learned!!!!!  Do I think that has had a HUGE impact in his improvements? YES! Absolutely!

I couldn't have asked for a more perfect combination.... their age difference.... ASD first, NT second...etc.... I know God Blessed us in this way.

As far as FUTURE children, I know that I am still learning so much and putting so much energy into DS that I am not ready. However, if I were to find out that I were pregnant again - I would be happy (ok there will be a little scared in me).

In our situation, I am very thankful to have another - but also very thankful and blessed that the decision was made before I ever had to think about it.

I think the percentage chance is around 15%???? to have another on the spectrum.....  

SJC1984

DS, 21 months, has a brain tumor which we are told is a fluke since he has none of the genetic conditions that predispose him for tumors or cancer.  In any case, I still wasn't sure that I wanted another child after all that we'd seen DS go through (stroke, partial paralysis on his right side, 11 surgeries, countless pokes, prods, needle sticks, doctor's visits, chemotherapy... you name it, we've been through it).  In fact, I was pretty sure I did NOT want any more children. 

In any case, one little slip up (and I mean just one) got us our second child, another son, who will be here in about 3 weeks.  In a way I guess I am happy for DS to have a sibling, especially now that he seems to be on the upward swing from this horrible disease, but I am still really scared for how our life is going to change and how this will effect DS1's needs. 

I guess I'm not much help since my decision wasn't necessarily a planned one, but I can't say that I'm not a little glad that it has turned out this way since it was a decision we were very unsure of.  It definitely worked itself out without much influence on our parts (after infertility with DS no less).  Plus, everyone seems to think it will be really good for DS1 to have a playmate and something else for us to focus our attention on besides DS1's cancer.  IDK, we will see I guess.  I wish you and your DH the best of luck in deciding.

breezy0629

I need to add that you certainly need some processing time!!!! Don't expect that you will know the answer to this in the midst of your 'storm' right now. MY DS was diagnosed at about 22 months & I will tell you the truth... we are ONE year out & since he was SO young - this year has been full of confusion!!!! There are so many changes that happen from 2-3yrs that it is hard to get a good grasp on everything.

 I pray you will have someone on your DS's team that can help to guide you through the system!

 .... and......

FWIW, It has been really FUN to see the differences in the development of DS and DD this year. I thought it would be sad... but for us at least... it has been a JOY!  

suzymarie

DS has a genetic condition that he inherited from DH.  We could do IVF w/ PGD to conceive with near 100% certainy that the fetus is NF-free, but we simply don't have the money.

 

We always have known we would have a 2nd, and that the 2nd baby will ahve a 50% chance of inheriting the NF gene.  Yes it is scary, yes I have plenty on my plate already, but we know we want 2+ kids, so here we are. 

JessesGirl81

My situation is pretty unique. My DS was the product of a perfect, full term pregnancy. About 4 hours after birth he started having apnea spells, was rushed to the NICU where tests revealed a very swollen brain and abnormal EEG. He doesn't fit the "typical" oxygen deprived birth trauma case, so they ran a TON of genetic tests on him...none which found anything.

My son is now 19 months and ?typical in every way as far as milestones and speech.I do suspect a possible sensory issue w/food....but suspect it has nothing to do w/his birth history.

Since Noah is my first and a "medical mystery"...I am scared beyond belief to have another. We FINALLY felt ready in April, I got pregnant right away but had a miscarriage in late May. I am angry and now uncertain yet again...they think I have a possible clotting issue which may have caused Noah oxygen deprivation and me to miscarry.

Will I try again, absolutely. NO ONE is guaranteed a "perfect", healthy child...it's a crapshoot for everyone and maybe our odds are a little more "stacked" but in the long run being a parent is all about uncertainty ?

simmonsbaby2

My husband and I are both carriers of the SMA gene.  We have one healthy son and Owen who has SMA.  Each pregnancy has a 25% chance of the child having SMA.  Our choices are either IVF with testing which we would never have the money for...or waiting to test at 14 weeks and decide then what to do.  Pretty shitty choices in my opinion.

We always thought we were done after having Owen but the reality is that SMA is a progressive disease with no cure and we very likely may lose him in the future.  If that were to happen ( and I pray everyday that it doesn't) we would consider having another child.  I guess time will tell.

isabel68

thank you ladies for all your replies.  i think it will be a while till we reach a truly firm decision on this.  i have pretty much written off the idea but i'm facing some pressure about it so i decided to seek your council and i think i am in the right about not wanted to roll the dice again.  hopefully my dh will fall in line with me and not fight me on it.

i have a typical child who's four years old.  it's our little guy that's newly diagnosed.  i feel so blessed to have the two i've got, despite the very scary and uncertain road ahead of us. 

 thank you for giving me your perspectives.

 

suzymarie

Simmons...

 

We did CVS @ 12 weeks with my first pg, as we were considering terminating if Ds had NF.  We decided not to terminate for NF, but we would have if any other major problems had come up (I can't define major until it happens but YKWIM).

 

We will do it again with this pg.  I was happy with that compromise between my ideal of IVF/CVS and what we could actually afford.

 

Sorry for the off-topic side convo- I know this isn't relevant to ASD.

bugmommy

My old DS is on the spectrum - his current diagnosis is PDD-NOS.  He is 3 and his little brother is 16m, so they are 21 months apart.  I found out I was pregnant with DS#2 about the same time I started having questions about DS #1's develpment.  Honestly for us this age gap is HARD.  A lot of what Auntie said (as usual) has merit, although it may be hard to hear.  This is very hard to admit but I'm not sure if I would have had a second if I had known about DS's condition.  At the very least I think I would have gotten DS settled into school or therapy first.  I constantly feel like I should be doing something else and it is draining.  DS#2 brings me so much joy and I love him to pieces but I feel so guilty he frequently gets pushed aside.  I don't have any concerns right now about him being on the spectrum, but he is delayed in communication.  I truly believe this is because I spend so little time talking directly to him, showing him things on his own, etc.  DS#1 is quite jelouse and doesn't like to play with his little brother the way Breezy's son likes to play with his sister.  DS#2 loved to wander around so frequently wants to be doing something other than what DS#1 is doing.  I spend my time trying to carve out little bits for both of them individually - its like raising 2 only children.  I don't think its like this for everyone.  We have had some difficult life situations, I struggle with anxiety anyway, and every ASD child is different.   I wish you the best no matter what you decide and hope you are happy with the decision you come to.

Buckets of Moonbeams

I don't think I would.  I've thought about it before, and if someone told me that any children of mine would be born with the same heart defect that required the same surgery, etc., I would be happy with my one beautiful little girl.  I guess it would come down to an issue of statistics for me.

skittles_123

I think about this everyday, we always wanted three. Now with the ASD dx of our oldest (we have 2 dc), the thought of having a third right now makes me completely stressed out. Financially, emotionally, physically, I have nothing left to offer a third child without going crazy right now.

Maybe a few years down the road, we may re-evaluate depending on how well our ds is doing. But for now, unfortunately we probably will stick with two.

skittles_123

And I must follow up to what Breezy said, that we did not have a dx when dd was conceived/born. But, she has been a complete blessing to ds and our family. They are 2 yrs apart, and she is teaching him the art of sharing and playing together. We teach him appropriate phrases to use as well when playing with her as well. I don't know where we would be without her.

Makinroom4baby

Well, my situation is a bit different. DS is adopted and, like your DS, has PDD but we aren't sure which type yet. Since he is adopted, we don't know the chances of our next child having ASD, regardless of if its biological or adopted. What we do know is that at this point we don't think we could handle Jayden's needs as well as the needs of another baby and keep our sanity. It's a sad thing to admit when we've been trying for 5 yrs now to conceive.

AmyGrnEyz

Our frist son was born with CHD (heart defects) we asked doctor after doctor what we should do about having another one. Our chances were increased but only 5-10% and they kept reminding us it is pretty rare to find two heart kids in the same family. They also said to focus on the 90% chance of not having another heart baby.  I went on to have another son after Jack was born and he is perfectly healthy and giving Jack a sibling was the best gift. The boys were best friends and my heart breaks that our younger son misses him so much! .  I am sure my son knew he was dying and he kept insisting I have another baby which I promised him I would, he did not want his baby brother to be alone.  I am now pregnant with our 3rd child and he/she is healthy as well. Our younger son is very excited about the baby we are expecting. I trusted the doctors and felt if we had another heart baby, we would know exactly what to do. Heart kids are so special, I only had Jack in my life for 2 weeks shy of 3 years but he taught us each day is a gift among many other life lessons. We found out after he died that his life expectancy was only to be one year but because of the love he got during his lifetime, he beat the odds! I wish you luck in your decision.