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Preemies
MIL resentment issues (sorry, long)
Anyone else find their MIL much less tolerable after they had their LO? Maybe this is just a general postpartum question. But mine went to visit DS on his first day in the NICU before I could go. I was on the mag and passed out and DH was being really stupid and thoughtless. Instead of being mad at him I've resented her for it ever since.
Once I was discharged I made sure I was there every time she wanted to see him (DH put her and my mom on the list of people allowed to visit alone...once again, paperwork filled out while I was on the mag and don't remember!) Every visit made me resent her a little more for some reason. I made it clear to the nurses that she was not allowed to touch him at all if she ever came when I wasn't there. I was pretty much grasping onto any control that I could.
Now that we are home and I have him all to myself I thought this might subside a little -despite only being home a week- but it definitely has not. She has only been to visit once (after asking if we could bring him to her house b/c she hates the 20 minute drive! Um, no!) and though I tried to be nice I don't think I hid my hostility. Everything she said bothered me. So much unsolicited and ridiculous advice. All I would say after she gave said advice was, "well he's a preemie and you never had preemies so everything is different for him and we're doing exactly what the doctor tells us." Nice enough right? Well...when she busted out pictures of her visiting him on that first day before I got to see him...I pretty much lost it inside. Especially when she showed me one of him grabbing her finger. I shut down, quit speaking, held DS tight, and she left shortly after that.
Anyone else feel this way towards MIL? Or maybe even one particular person? Anytime I see her the awful feelings of that first day of his life come flooding back to me, along with that out-of-control feeling. A part of me worries I will never get over this and allow myself to have a decent relationship with her ever again. DH wants me to just drop it whenever I bring it up and says he can't understand why I'm being this way and suddenly "hate his family." Even after I try to explain to him what's going on in my head and why, he says he thinks I should be able to get over it. Maybe he's right, but I just CAN'T seem to do that yet and the negative feelings are running me down during this happy time home with my baby!!
Advice? Sorry about the length, vent over, and maybe I will be more positive tomorrow if I've gotten more sleep. DS still has his nights and days mixed up, but darn he is wide awake and adorable at 3am 
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Re: MIL resentment issues (sorry, long)
I didn't have this with my MIL. (I'm really lucky in that dept) but I am still kind of bitter about so many people getting to see him before I did. And about how everyone was just camped out in my hospital room having a party while I was still completely doped up and hadn't seen my son yet.
But I was mostly angry with my husband.
Everyone was so loud and obnoxious (all my husband's friends) I hadn't slept in 4 days.. was waiting to see if my son was even going to live, hadn't seen him yet (besides when they whisked him out of the delivery room) and they were taking turns going down to see him. It was actually one of the friend's WIVES who suggested maybe I'd like some quiet and ushered them all down to the cafeteria.
I kept thinking I wished they'd shut up, but I was so stoned on mag I couldn't even thinnk enough to tell them all to get out.
And it wasn't until later that I felt so resentful about everyone seeing him before me..
There are other things, too. I was all in a panic in the days before he was born, we had to get a camera (our camera was broken) because they said I was going to be knocked out in the delivery room and I was afraid I wouldn't get to see him. Then when it came down to it, my husband didn't take ONE picture in the delivery room. All of them are after he was in the NICU and in an isolette.
Again- that was all my husband.
As for getting over it.. I don't know. Eventually I just had to start letting it go. When I think about it, I still get upset, but there's a lot of water under that bridge now and I'm mostly okay. In the end, the birth of my son was just traumatic. So many things could have and should have been done differently, but we were just limping along doing the best we could.
I don't know what to say about your MIL. The random assvice would make me crazy. I get it from my grandma (seriously, if she tells me to give him some water one more time, my head might explode) a lot and I just want to scream.
I usually just try to go with "I'll run that by the doctor" or "well, the doctor said.." though often it comes out more like "GRANDMA. NO HE DOES NOT NEED SOMETHING WITH ZERO CALORIES." (or similar)
I guess just try to be as civil as you can and if you have the kind of relationship that could handle it, ask her to stop.
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This exactly. I was fortunate that we live a million miles away from everyone, and just my mom was here (and DH, of course). I was also fortunate that I wasn't wigged from the mag and have full recollection. DH was taking video and bringing it back to me. But it still sucks. We were fortunate that I got to spend time with her in the delivery room (apgars were 9 and 9), take pictures, hold her, etc. I was also fortunate that my doctor let me shower, then go to the NICU, etc. before making me get back on the mag about 5 hours later.
All that said, it still sucks to have the normal birth experience completely taken away. My parents are the same way with the unsolicited advice, and it clearly makes them angry when I disregard what they are saying.
Even though I didn't have nearly as brutal of an experience as most of the ladies on here, it still rips my heart out that we were separated. I mean, we lived together (literally) for 34 weeks, 4 days. She was my heart and soul and it was literally ripped from me. I think no matter what, I will always have resentment, sadness, anxiety, etc. when I think about those early days. How scary it was, how the monitors held the keys to her release, etc. And I don't know that it will ever go away.
I think only people that have been through it can understand. But I don't think you are out of line. I know we've talked about this, but did you have a (decent) relationship with your MIL before? Do you want her to be part of your life? Dear Jackson's?? If the answer is yes, you have to find a way to let it go. It could be as simple as telling her the truth...how awful you feel that as his mommy, you didn't get to experience those firsts like you should have. How unfair all of this is. Etc. Or you could write her a letter, tell her everything you think, and then never send it. Sometimes addressing the issue head on will leave you with the best ending.
Whatever you choose, know that we will be here for you. I know exactly where you are. I look at the pictures of her with my mom (even though I had already spent time with her, etc.) it's never enough.
I'd feel the same way which is why I was so glad that our NICU didn't allow any visitors unless they were accompanied by either myself or my husband. Even when I was finally able to go down and visit DS a couple of times per day people still "knew" and my own mother knew not to touch or do anything but look...I even offered to let her hold him and she said she could wait. I mean, she's a mom so she understood how desperately I wanted to be with my son and how unfair it would be for anyone to "step on my toes" as it were in that situation.
I'm mad at your MIL for you - hugs!
I've been annoyed with my MIL since DH and I got engaged. She has this undying need to always be "first" for everything. After my C-section, I was wheeled up to the NICU to see DS for the first time. I was barfing up a storm since I was coming off the anesthesia (sp) and she insisted on coming up to the NICU to see me and DS. Then she kept insisting on coming to visit me and DH at the hospital for the following days. She would show up with a bunch of random gifts that she apparently "had to bring" and then left them in our room. When I was discharged, I had a whole lot random crap to carry out, along with all the stuff the hospital gave us. Everything she does bugs me. I don't think I will ever get over it. She and I just don't click.
Sorry, I don't have any advice. I can only share your frustration.
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i didn't have the same experience as you (no mag after birth, so i never experienced the haziness). i did notice, however, that when i was in the hospital or when DS was in the NICU, i was in survival mode. kind of a get-it-done, whatever it takes kind of situation. but when DS came home and i suddenly had time to think through my experience, that's when what was "difficult" changed.
it was at that point that i realized all i had missed. i think the moment it actually clicked for me was when i was responding to one of the completely inappropriate posts regarding mnberry's birth story when aaron was born. i just started listing off all the things i didn't get to do (in regards to saying how inappropriate it was for others to be saying she was "too happy") and it all of a sudden clicked. i think that's when the fear stopped and the grieving began. in a sense, i think we all have one or two things that really bother us about our birth experience. know that, just as in any other grieving process, we accept these things as time goes on.
your MIL doesn't understand. my MIL doesn't understand. my sister doesn't understand. my mom, as hard as she tries, doesn't even completely understand. i know that, had i not been through it, i wouldn't understand. it's impossible to get it unless you've been here. maybe DH could talk to her and explain that, as much as it might not make sense to anyone but you, you've been through a traumatic experience and maybe they could stop doing these things?
good luck, hope it gets better soon!
My MIL passed away before I got a chance to meet her. So I can't offer any advice in that regard.
That being said, all of my family and friends got to meet Ruby before I did. It made me sad, but all I could think about was my little Ruby in the NICU all by herself, surrounded by strangers and it broke my heart. So I wanted EVERYONE to go see her, talk to her, and tell her they loved her, because I couldn't.
In laws make us crazy, that's their job. My husband have developed quite a sense of humor about our families, we figure we'd rather laugh than cry!
It is soooo interesting that you bring this up because this was a HUGE topic on at the NICU parental advisory committee meeting I went to last week. You have no idea how many women deal with this the same way. It is really such an issue that they are creating a policy around this at my NICU.
Many women cannot see their LO - or some babies have to leave and go to another hospital and the daddy makes decisions about who is in there without the mother's concent. LOTS of ladies have this same reaction - so WHEN POSSIBLE the NICU is going to talk with the mom and see how they want to handle the situation before the baby is born. There are obviously going to be emergencies but for ladies on bed rest - or at the hospital with inevitable preemies a NICU navigator will visit and go over with the parents who should be allowed to visit and how hands on the MOM wants them (like ok, MIL can go with DH but no holding, feeding, changing, etc) and then the nurse can play bad guy and say it is only policy... so I thought that was interesting but now for my experience....
Very similar to yours.... and I hate to tell you but over a year later my feelings toward my MIL have not changed. It is awful my Ethan brought out the crazy in her. Before he was born I was even planning for her to watch him full time and I had to find new child care. She got shingles wehn I was in the hospital and had Ethan so she was not allowed to visit me or him (which no one was cause of flu restrictions) but she got mad at me cause I prevented her from being involved in his birth (it was a c-section and I was on mag - feel like I was barely involved in his birth).... it went on from there... she was so drama filled... when I finally brought him home - after 2.5 months - all 4 lbs of him, she told me not to listen to the doctors, he needs to gain weight and I need to feed him INSTANT MASHED POTATOES! NOT KIDDING.....
Girl, I could go on and on... mostly I am sorry and I hope your relationship gets better. I tried to figure out how to fix it but in my case, you cannot change crazy and I have limited involvement....
Good luck!!!
I seriously love you ladies. I feel a lot less crazy. Reading your similar experiences and your advice helps so much. I am going to give this more time and hope for the best, but I think becoming a mother has already changed me so much, even in this short amount of time! Nothing will really be the same, ever. Mrsjrmiller, I think it is awesome that this is being brought up. I wish that someone from the NICU had come to ask me questions when I was first admitted, or even shortly after-even if I was on the mag! I know DH was just doing what he thought was best, but the entire experience is so much different for the mom. Putting as much control as possible back in the mother's hands should sort of be the goal (as long as it is in the baby's best interest).
Thank you again