luker comming forward

Hi, I found this board a few weeks ago and have been stalking it ever since. 

I am very impressed at how helpful and encouraging you all are.  I was a single foster parent for 5 years till I met my husband.  He does not feel he can do foster care- (I met him just as my last two boys who I had had for 2 years were transitioning to their new adoptive home, and he saw how hard it was for me to see them go.)  I have major IF issues and after meeting with an RE we decided adoption was best for us. 

I always wanted to adopt, it took awhile for my husband to get used to the idea but once he did we signed up with my old agency and went going through all the paperwork to adopt through foster care.  We were told over and over the chances of getting an infant through foster care are next to none, then one day my SW called and said a BM walked into their office off the street and wanted to do a closed adoption.  We said yes of course the only thing was she was due in three days!! those were the longest, busiest days of our lives!  Our baby girl was born in November and we got there 20 mins after she was born.  I was allowed to stay at the hospital with her till she was discharged 3 days later.  (sorry this is so long -and this is the short version!) anyway I look forward to being a part of this great board.

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Re: luker comming forward

  • Thanks for joining us.  I look forward to hearing more of your story and insights.
  • What a great story! Thanks for sharing. i hope you post often.
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  • Welcome to the board!  What a wonderful story, congrats on your daughter!
  • thanks, even though I have experience with foster care I have no experience with closed adoptions.  I really would have liked some communication with BM but she did not want to meet us or even see Alanna and does not even know she had a girl.  Our SW did get a few pictures of BM and her other two children and I am wondering if I should put them in Alanna's baby book or keep them till she is older.  I am leaning toward putting them in the book but would like some feed back from you all since Alanna will not be meeting her BM unless she decides to try and find her once she turns 18 what do you think?  If I didn't put them in the book I would keep them till she is older and starts to ask questions about her BM. 
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  • What a wonderful story. Hope our wait is short but wow, I don't know about that short. LOL Glad you decided to "come out". ;) Hope to see more of you. And, yes the ladies here are absolutely wonderful.
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  • No lurking! More lurkers need to come out of the shadows!

    Your story is great. Don't ever apologize for length, many of us are long winded posters ;-)

    I dont know that we have that many closed DA (domestic adoption) posters on here. It will be interesting to hear your perspective - the good and bad that goes along with closed adoptions especially as others come to this board in search of information and first hand thoughts.

    Have you finalized yet or still in the process of post placement studies? We have had one post placement visit and then we have another when he is 2 mo, 4 mo and 6 mo then we finalize.

  • imagefredalina:
    i would try to make it as "open" an adoption as possible.  Since you're not in control of actual contact, i personally would put the photos in the baby book as part of her life story.  "When you were born, this was your mom.  She loved you very much but wasn't able to raise you, so she contacted the nice people at _____ adoption agency, and they just knew we could be a great family together.  We brought you home when you were _ days old, and you weighed ___ and were ___ inches long."  Just matter of fact as part of her birth story.  Any other details you may know like her name and such could fit there, too. 

    I agree fully with Fred. Even though the biological mom does not want this to be an open adoption it doesnt mean that you as the parent have to make the concept/events around your little one's adoption closed.

    All the psychological research I have read indicates that if you make adoption and the simple facts about it as matter of fact as possible then it will be something she can acknowledge and appreciate.

  • Welcome and thanks for sharing your story!!
  • Welcome!  We look forward to hearing from you!

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  • Closed adoption is hard.  My husband was always afraid of open adoption because he did not understand how it worked.  Having it closed  has been hard because we have hardly any information about her history.  One example is that she has a very slight heart murmur and we have no idea if there is any family history of heart problems.  The hospital did screw up and we were given the BM's name by mistake because there are so few closed adoptions they did not know how to handle it. 

    She is AA and we are not so it is not like she won't know soon that something is up!  But we always knew we would be very open with our children about them being adopted.  We tell her everyday that Jesus brought her to us, that she was our answer to prayer and how happy we are that we adopted her ect...

    We are still going through paper work as we were not quite finished with everything when she was born.  We finalize as soon as everything is turned in- they are writing up our finale home study now.  Then they have to put an ad in the paper for unknown father too.  As soon as it is finale will will get a birth cert with her name on it and new social.  We are not having a ceremony and that takes longer and we want to be done ASAP.  She is too young to understand a ceremony anyway.

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  • I also agree with Fred and Jacks about the pictures.
  • Great story!  Please stick around, i'm sure your past experiences and your story will allow you to give great advice to those of us going through the process.  Thanks for coming out of lurking!
  • dd is about the same age!  I'm thinking if i was in your situation, I would make a page in the baby book using the pics she had. 

    Also, another idea that stayed w/ me from our homestudy classes.  One of the other adoptive moms was part of a closed adoption.  They had been willing to do open, but BM chose closed.  She said that she wrote letters to BM once or twice a year and stuck photos in them.  She put them away in a box in case BM ever changes her mind and would like to see them.   I just thought this was a fantastic idea, so maybe something to consider:)

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